


Wonder Whose Arms

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Arguing, Body Worship, Confessions, Dirty Talk, Drinking, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Friendship, Frottage, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Angst, Love, M/M, No Smut Till Last Chapter, Nonsense, Pining, Self-Hatred, Sharing a Bed, Shinya is the Real MVP, Slow Burn, holiday fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-22 12:19:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 49,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13166778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: When Die confesses to Kyo that he's been receiving unwanted attention from another man, Kyo offers assistance in what seems like the best manner at the time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my Christmas fic for this year!! I know you're thinking, "But Tony, Christmas is over already. What... are you doing." To which I say, ummm, oh well, it's late but maybe it's still fun!?  
> Also it's... gonna be a bit longer than I meant for it to be (surprise, surprise!).  
> I love and appreciate you all and hope you're enjoying the season.  
> PS I always have to make these like original character villains because I could never make anyone who exists act as awful as I need people to act for the story! It would be too slanderous! And I guess this is AU where Kyo doesn't have sukekiyo gigs etc taking up his holidays hmmmm  
> ANYWAY please enjoy this first chapter, I'll try to hustle and post the next one super soon xoxoxo  
> (PPS ummm rating to be edited as required if/when the story gets to that point)

Kyo was not a nosy person. He was much more likely to stand back and wait for someone else to ask his opinion on their situation, rather than get involved immediately in whatever’s going on and demand details about someone’s life.

That said, he couldn’t very well ignore the way Die was acting after their photo shoot; how he kept looking at his phone and sighing. As soon as the makeup came off he just looked completely exhausted, and Kyo wasn’t used to seeing him in that kind of distress.

Die was still sitting there staring at his phone after the rest of the band was long gone, leaning one arm on the makeup counter as Kyo was pulling off his false eyelashes, and Kyo finally caved, tossing out a casual, “What’s up?”

Die didn’t answer right away. When he did it was just a shake of his head. “Nothing,” he said, though the tired way he rubbed at his face gave the lie to this claim.

Kyo spent another quiet moment removing his makeup before saying, “What kind of nothing?”

Die looked up at him in the mirror and sighed again. “It’s… remember that guy, Seiji, who did the interview with me about DECAYS stuff last month?”

Kyo chewed at his lip as he tried to call up the image of the guy. He was pretty sure it was the same one who had interviewed Kyo about sukekiyo only a couple months earlier, the one who had been so pushy and outgoing he’d even talked Kyo into giving him his phone number. He seemed to remember Die mentioning he’d been the same with him, that they’d gone for drinks after the interview and everything. “Vaguely. He was pretty friendly, yeah?”

“ _Very_ friendly,” Die said, frowning.

When he didn’t say more, Kyo ventured, “So what’s wrong? Did something happen to him?”

“What? No,” Die said. “No, nothing like that. He’s just invited me on this retreat thing for the holiday…”

“That sounds fun,” Kyo said. “Just you?”

“No, it’s a whole group, we’re supposed to go stay at some resort and there are Christmas parties and it’s a charity thing.”

“So what’s the problem?” Kyo asked, having finally gotten his face clean. He started putting away his things, packing his makeup kit meticulously.

“I’m kind of worried, I guess, about spending that much time with him,” Die said, looking uneasy. “I’m pretty sure he’s gonna try to… make a pass at me.”

Kyo shrugged. “That should be pretty easy to clear up; just let him know you’re not gay.” He zipped his bag and then realized Die hadn’t responded. He looked over and saw him just sitting there making the strangest face.

Oh.

Kyo looked away quickly, extremely embarrassed. “Or, you know, _say_ you’re not.”

Die cleared his throat kind of awkwardly. “He… knows already.”

Oh.

Kyo frowned as he went about wiping down the makeup counter. How was it that this guy Seiji knew something like that about Die that he himself hadn’t known until a minute ago? Was he really that bad a friend that Die felt he couldn’t confide such things to him? Maybe he ought to make an effort to be more nosy.

“So skip it,” Kyo suggested. “If he makes you uncomfortable, don’t go.”

“I said I would a while ago,” Die said, shaking his head. “And I can’t back out. It’s supposed to benefit victims of the earthquake, I would look like a total asshole.”

“Hmm.” That did make things trickier. Kyo thought for a minute, leaning his hip against the counter. “Tell him you have a boyfriend. That should get him to back off, right?”

“No,” Die said, shaking his head again. “I mean, it _should_ , but he wouldn’t believe me. He’s not the kind of person who will take no for an answer unless he can see the direct threat right in front of him.”

“Gross,” Kyo commented. “You really can’t just say you’re not interested and have him leave you alone?” He was starting to think maybe Die really _ought_ to skip the retreat if that’s the kind of person who was hosting it.

“He’s not a bad guy,” Die said. “He wouldn’t actually cross any lines like you’re thinking; but I don’t want to make things so uncomfortable between us, and if I tell him I’ve got a boyfriend and then can’t _produce_ said boyfriend, he’ll call my bluff in a second.”

Kyo nodded slowly. He didn’t like the sound of Die being harassed by this person for the whole length of the retreat just because he didn’t buy him having a boyfriend. Coming to a decision he said, “Tell him you’re dating me.”

Die’s head jerked up and he looked at Kyo with wide eyes. “ _What?!_ ”

Kyo shrugged. “Not like you’ll _actually_ be dating me, but Seiji and I have met. He knows who I am; it gives him a face to put with your imaginary boyfriend, but also an excuse for why you never mentioned it before.”

Die stared before he said, “No. I couldn’t ask you to be that for me. If he told someone and it got out…” He looked away. “Besides, I don’t even know if it would work.”

“Try it,” Kyo said. “Seiji has my phone number from when he interviewed me before, too. If he has suspicions or some shit, he can come to me and I’ll back up your story.”

Die grimaced. “I just…”

“Think about it,” Kyo said. “Would this guy try anything with you on your retreat, if he knew back home you had _me_ waiting for you?” He raised an eyebrow and then flexed his biceps to further drive his point home.

Die laughed, and Kyo found himself oddly relieved by the sound. “No, I doubt that he would.”

Kyo grinned. “Then we agree.” His phone buzzed and he took it out to find a message from Shinya, asking if he was heading home yet. “Oh, shit, I forgot, I’m supposed to be meeting Shinya for dinner. I’ve got to go.”

“No, yeah, go!” Die waved him off. “I’m actually going to meet Seiji for a drink soon, planning for the retreat.”

“Let me know if you need anything else.” Kyo grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair where it had been lying. “And you know…” He hesitated. “You know you can talk to me about this stuff. Or any stuff. Right?”

Die smiled, something smaller than his usual heart-stopping grin, but still very genuine. “I’ll try to remember that. And Kyo—thank you. Seriously.”

Kyo nodded and headed out, pleased that he was able to offer something useful to his friend, even if Die didn’t trust Kyo enough to be out to him.

 

Shinya was on his phone when Kyo arrived to meet him for dinner, but he looked up and smiled as Kyo approached, meaning he wasn’t officially late.

“How was the rest of the photo shoot?” Shinya asked. He’d left well before Kyo, having finished his portion of the shoot already.

“It was good. I got to see some of Die’s shots too; they looked fantastic,” Kyo said.

Shinya rolled his eyes. “Die always looks good. But yours turned out… Well, however you wanted it to?”

Kyo laughed. “I think so. We got to do some fun things with the lighting.”

“I’m sure,” Shinya said, smiling indulgently. “And the fans will like it as long as we’re all there.”

“Yeah, of course.” Kyo picked up a menu and started jotting down his sushi order on the provided pad of paper. “Did you want me to get two of the nasu?”

“Get three,” Shinya said. “I already ordered one before you got here.”

Kyo snorted, but went ahead and ordered three.

Dinner passed pleasantly. It had been a long while since Kyo had gone to hang out with Shinya, and it was nice to just talk about their respective projects and Shinya’s pets and anything else that came up.

“Oh, I meant to ask,” Shinya said as Kyo was stacking up his eighth empty sushi plate, “Would you be able to come by and feed my animals for a few days around Christmas?”

Kyo mentally pictured his calendar and nodded. He felt sort of flattered that out of all of Shinya’s countless friends he would still ask Kyo for such a favor. “I’m honored that you’d think of me.”

“Well,” Shinya made a face, “Mostly you’re one of the only people I thought wouldn’t have plans for the holiday.”

“Fair enough.” Kyo added some hot water to his cup of green tea. “So where are you going?”

“The girl I’ve been seeing,” Shinya said. “She invited me to her parents’ down in Miyazaki for Christmas.”

“Wow, that seems significant,” Kyo said. “How long have you been together now?”

“It’ll be a year in February.”

“Busy month,” Kyo said with a smile. “That sounds like it should be really nice though; of course I can look in on your kids while you’re away, just let me know the dates."

Shinya went on a bit about his travel plans then, about flights to Kyushu being less expensive than he’d expected, and something about the weather, but Kyo was only partially listening. He had gotten distracted by the thought of most other people heading out of town, having plans for the holidays. Had Die mentioned his retreat to Shinya? If so, had he also discussed his dilemma with him?

Kyo found himself frowning as he wondered whether Shinya had known all along that Die was gay. He knew Shinya and Die were pretty close, so maybe Die had confided in Shinya years ago and not trusted Kyo with it. Still, on the off-chance that Shinya _didn’t_ know, Kyo couldn’t really bring it up and ask.

“Kyo? Hellooo?” Shinya prodded his arm and Kyo looked up, abruptly, not having realized just how much he’d been tuning him out.

“I’m sorry,” Kyo said, rubbing at one eye. “I don’t know exactly where my head was just now. What were you saying?”

“I was just talking about dog food,” Shinya admitted. “But your phone buzzed a few times; I didn’t know if it was something important.”

Kyo picked up the phone from the corner of the table and unlocked the screen, expecting something from Yuchi or maybe even Gara.

Instead it was from a number he had saved as “That Too-Friendly Interviewer,” a text saying, _Hey Kyo, it’s been a while! I interviewed you a few months ago… I don’t know if you remember?_

Another message followed the first: _I heard something interesting and wanted to check with you—are you currently dating Die, the guitarist from your band?_

Kyo huffed out a small laugh. Die had been right about Seiji wanting proof, apparently. He thought for a moment about how he should respond, and then decided to make it a full performance.

_Who the fuck have you been talking to?_

He set the phone down, feeling rather smug, and found Shinya watching him curiously.

“I’m almost afraid to ask just what’s so amusing,” Shinya said, and took a sip of his tea.

“I’m just helping Die with something,” Kyo said.

“Oh?”

Another text came in. _Die himself, actually. Is it accurate?_

_Is he there with you now?_ Kyo texted back.

_He is_.

_What, is he drunk? He never knows when to keep his big mouth shut_ , Kyo said. He wondered if that sounded a bit harsh, but he figured he was, after all, going for an intimidating character.

_No, please, don’t be too angry with him. He was just being faithful to you_.

_Excuse me?_

_I didn’t know he was in a relationship._

_Okay? Well, now you do, so back off_. Kyo smiled to himself as he set the phone down again.

“What are you helping Die with that is making you make _that_ range of facial expressions?” Shinya asked warily.

“Oh, um.” Kyo scrunched up his mouth, debating how much he could tell Shinya without outing Die. After a minute he said, “This guy has been kind of bugging him, so I’m posing as Die’s boyfriend to get him to lay off.”

Shinya’s eyebrows rose. “His _boyfriend_?”

“It’s a long story,” Kyo said.

His phone vibrated again. _Of course. I’m sorry, I didn’t know._

Then, _And your secret’s safe with me. This meeting with Die is purely social. You don’t have to worry about me publishing anything about your private life._

_I would just sue you if you tried_ , Kyo replied.

_Understood_.

Kyo put the phone aside once more, grinning triumphantly at Shinya. “I don’t think that guy’s going to be bothering Die again.”

Shinya frowned. “You didn’t threaten him, did you?”

Kyo shrugged. “Only with legal action.”

Shinya made a face that clearly stated his disapproval, but didn’t comment further. He spent another long moment looking at Kyo before he looked back at his tea.

They transitioned to discussing a rumor that had been circulating regarding someone else in the industry, and Kyo’s phone didn’t buzz again for the rest of the meal.

 

It wasn’t until he was already dressed in pajama pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt, freshly out of his bath, that Kyo's evening was thrown into chaos by a loud and frantic knock at his front door. Puzzled, he went to answer it.

Somehow he wasn’t prepared for the utterly frazzled and dejected husk of a rhythm guitarist he found in his hallway.

“ _Die_?”

Die looked at him miserably. “I fucked up, Kyo.”

Kyo stepped back and gestured Die inside. “What happened? You look like hell!”

“I tried texting, calling…”

“I just got out of the bath, I haven’t had my phone.” Kyo locked the door behind him. “Are you okay?”

Die shook his head helplessly as he knelt to untie his shoes. “I really fucked things up, and after you were so nice…”

The way he was talking was somewhat alarming, especially since he _didn’t_ seem to be particularly inebriated. “Die, what’s going on? You’re kinda scaring me. Did… Did Seiji _do_ something? Did he not buy it? I thought he was gonna back off.”

“He bought it,” Die said. “But now… you’re invited.”

Kyo blinked.

“On the _retreat_.”

Kyo’s brow wrinkled. “It’s okay, Die, I just won’t go. I’ll tell him I’m busy.”

Die shook his head again, clearly distraught.

Kyo grabbed Die’s wrist, pulled him to his feet. “It’s not that big a deal.”

“He _tricked_ me, Kyo, you’re not listening!”

Kyo started towards the living room, looking at Die over his shoulder. “How do you mean?”

“He was asking me all this stuff, stuff about you and projects and us as a couple, and I was trying to sell it, you know?” Die followed Kyo into the living room and started pacing around the couch. “But he was asking about what our plans for the holidays were, if you were going to see family since we have the time off.”

Kyo just nodded for him to go on, watching his pacing from a safe spot on the couch.

“And I should’ve known then it was a trap,” Die said, raking a hand back through his hair, “But I’m apparently a fucking idiot, ‘cause I told him no, you’d just gone to see your family a couple weeks ago.”

“Which is true.”

“Which is _true_ , but I shouldn’t have _said_ it!” Die’s voice was rising to an unusual pitch. “‘Cause then the next thing he says is, ‘Oh, how nice you guys don’t have anything else going on, you can spend the time together!’ and I go, ‘Yep!’” He stopped pacing, standing still behind the couch, and rubbed at his forehead. “But then he’s all, ‘Except for the retreat.’”

Kyo finally got the sense he knew where the story was going.

“So he _knows_ , Kyo, that you don’t have _anything else_ going on! I proudly blabbered all about your wide open schedule, and he already added you to all the bookings, even though I spent the better part of an hour basically _begging_ him not to!”

“Calm down,” Kyo said, and turned himself around to better face Die, leaning his elbows on the back of the sofa. “I’ll talk to him.”

“I _tried_ already; he won’t let you back out of it! He’s a dick! He’ll tell everyone he can get hold of how you don’t care about kids orphaned by the earthquake!”

“I don’t care if he says shit about me,” Kyo said. “I’ll know it’s not true. It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“You shouldn’t _have_ to handle it!” Die said. “The entire thing is my fault. I’ll just tell him the whole thing was, I dunno, a _joke—_ I’ll get him to leave you out of it.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Kyo said, getting up from the couch. “It was my idea in the first place. If he really wants to drag me into this, I’ll take care of it.” He came around to get ahold of Die’s arm and led him to sit down. “My whole thought with this was that I wanted to help you out. If I’ve only made the situation worse for you then I want to fix it.”

Die was staring at him in a kind of disbelief. “ _Why_?”

“Well, ‘cause I told you, it was my—”

“But why are you being so nice to me? You don’t have to put yourself through this bullshit on my behalf, I would never ask you to.”

“I know you wouldn’t.” Kyo stood again and walked over to the closet at the edge of the living room. “Maybe that’s why I feel like I have to offer.” He pulled out a pillow and a small assortment of other bedding, pushed the closet door closed with one foot, and made his way back over to Die. He didn’t go further into how it was probably some self-interested ploy to make himself feel less guilty about the fact that Die clearly hadn’t trusted him with the truth about his sexuality.

Die looked like he was going to argue more, but then he let out a short laugh and shook his head. “I want to be surprised, but at this point I don’t know what I think I should expect from you.”

“You can expect me to want to help you out when I have an opportunity,” Kyo said. “I mean, you know I consider you a close friend.”

Die seemed amused by that for some reason. “Yeah, of course. You’re my friend, too.”

Kyo nodded and set the bedding down on the couch. “I’ll talk to Seiji. Don’t worry about it. I’m not mad at you. You should stay the night; it’s late.”

Die thanked him and Kyo left the making up of the couch to his discretion, heading back down the hall to his room. He picked up his phone from the dresser and swiped past the missed calls and texts from Die, then thought for a moment before sending a text to Seiji:

_Thanks for the invite, but I’m afraid I can’t make it. Maybe another time._

He didn’t know if he should expect a response right away, and was somewhat startled when one came only a minute later.

_Die said your schedule was wide open._

_He doesn’t have my calendar memorized_ , Kyo texted back.

_But surely he knows of anything really important_.

Kyo frowned. Die wasn’t kidding about this guy being a dick. He was already trying to pressure Kyo, despite his never having agreed to attend to begin with. Kyo was still thinking about how best to respond when the phone started vibrating in his hand with an incoming call from Seiji.

Reluctantly, Kyo answered the call with a quiet, “Hello?”

“Kyo, hey, it’s Seiji,” came the drawling voice across the line.

“I know,” Kyo said, moving to his bedroom door. He peered down the hall to check that the living room was dark, and closed the door so his voice wouldn’t disturb Die.

“Hey, I just want to be really upfront and reasonable about the whole thing,” Seiji said. “I’ve already put your name down as attending—if you pull out now, it looks pretty bad.”

“I understand that,” Kyo said. “But I _don’t_ understand why you would sign me up for it without even speaking to me.”

“Die was sure you’d be into it!”

“No, he wasn’t,” Kyo said. “What’s your real angle here? A good chunk of the public has already decided for whatever reason that I’m an asshole, so threatening me with bad press is hardly going to get me to do what you want.”

“I’m just trying to help you out,” Seiji said, and Kyo didn’t like his tone at all. “If you’re worried about your _relationship_ getting out, it won’t. The press around the whole retreat is going to be _very_ tightly controlled.”

“I’m not worried about that.”

“No, you don’t seem to be too worried about _anything_ …” A pause, then, “Is Die there right now?”

“He’s sleeping in the other room,” Kyo said truthfully. “I’m trying not to stress him out by making him overhear this call; he was a mess when he came from having drinks with you.”

“How long have the two of you been together?”

Shit. That wasn’t a detail they’d agreed upon, and Kyo didn’t feel comfortable just making it up on the fly. “Excuse me?”

“You and Die. How long have you been a couple?”

“How is that any of your business?”

“Die already told me, you know,” Seiji said tauntingly.

“Then why the hell are you asking me now?” Kyo growled.

“I was surprised,” Seiji said. “I didn’t think he was seeing anyone when I interviewed him before. He definitely acted like… a single man.”

Something angry and protective prickled along the back of Kyo’s neck. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“It just means maybe you _should_ be more worried about your relationship,” Seiji said. “Sending your lover away among other available, attractive, _interested_ bachelors for the holiday?” He tutted condescendingly and Kyo wanted to strangle him through the phone. “Doesn’t sound like you value him that much.”

“Who the fuck asked you? Die knows how I feel.” It came out with more heat than Kyo had even expected. He wasn’t sure why the way Seiji was talking was getting him so worked up. The entire thing was a hoax anyway, and it was certainly seeming like more effort than it was worth. Wouldn’t now be a fine time to admit it had been a shitty plan and throw in the towel?

“Are you so sure about that?” Seiji asked. “A _real_ lover wouldn’t want to be separated from his partner at the most romantic time of the year. I can assure you right now, that if you let your _darling_ boyfriend go to the retreat alone, from the moment he arrives next Thursday evening, I will do my utmost to show him what a _real_ lover is like.”

Kyo was somewhat stunned by his bluntness. “Are you for real? Your threats of PR ruin didn’t go over like you wanted, so now you’re coming after my boyfriend?”

“All I’m saying is it’ll be a good time to try to get him alone, while he’s feeling all emotionally neglected and vulnerable.”

Kyo ran his tongue over the points of his teeth as he considered his options. He was feeling increasingly trapped. The entire point had been to get this guy to back off of Die on the retreat, and now he was essentially _guaranteeing_ that he would be harassing him nonstop if Kyo wasn’t there to keep an eye on things. Exactly what Kyo had been trying to prevent, only with the added bonus of it being explicitly Kyo’s fault.

“You’re fucked up,” Kyo said. “I think I’d better just tell Die he shouldn’t go, either.”

“Ooh, controlling where he does and doesn’t go? Sounds like an abusive relationship to me,” Seiji said.

“I’m hanging up.”

“If neither of you come, I guess it makes your whole band look bad,” Seiji said mildly. “Especially if it gets out _why_ you’re withdrawing.”

Kyo froze. He didn’t care overmuch when it was just him being threatened, but attacking the whole band? He couldn’t have that. And maybe he wouldn’t care if a news story went around about _him_ being gay—it was easy enough to just deny things that weren’t true—but asking Die to go through it would be unacceptable. “What the hell do you want from me?”

“Honestly, _Die_ ,” Seiji admitted. “That’s one cute piece of ass you’ve got there. If you’re set on not going it works for me. You may think you’re tough with your god-like abs, but if he _chooses_ me over you, you can’t really get mad when you’re not around. And believe me, I can be _very_ persuasive.”

Kyo dragged a hand through his hair and tugged a little at the strands. He couldn’t let Die go and get relentlessly preyed upon because of him, and he couldn’t let him get outed publicly and slammed in the press because of him either. He closed his eyes, thinking desperately, but he couldn’t come up with any alternative course of action.

“Dream on, you sick fucker. We’ll both be there.” And he ended the call before Seiji could make any retort.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to write and edit faster! I will try!  
> Er, you guys don't REALLY mind reading a Christmas-themed fic in mid-January, do you? Heh. I'll try to do better in the future. <3

Kyo made sure to be up before Die the next morning, though honestly he didn’t think he slept more than a few minutes here and there anyway. Still, he wasn’t in a rush to get Die up and out of his apartment; he had hours until he needed to be anywhere else. Sukekiyo had their last meeting before going dark for the holidays, but not until lunchtime, and even that was a low-pressure thing. He’d already poured coffee into two mugs and was leaning against the kitchen counter, thinking everything through, when he heard Die stirring on the couch. He waited patiently for the smell of coffee to lead Die to him, and sure enough, only a minute later he was coming shuffling into the kitchen.

“One of those for me?” Die asked of the two mugs. At Kyo’s nod, he took the one closest and just held it in both hands, staring down into it with a furrowed brow. At length he said, “So did you manage to talk to Seiji?”

Kyo nodded again. “I did.”

Die took a sip of the coffee and set it back down on the kitchen counter. “I gotta go pee,” he said, and went out of the room.

Kyo didn’t try to stop him. He knew the situation must be even more stressful for Die than it was for him, getting this unwanted attention from this guy who actually seemed to be kind of deranged. He wasn’t sure how to tell Die what conclusion he’d come to with regard to a plan, despite his having spent most of the morning pondering the issue.

If he just told him outright how the conversation had gone, he was sure Die would be terrible distressed, that he would blame himself and try to take responsibility to make things right, but it _wasn’t_ his fault, and Kyo wasn’t willing to let him think it was.

While he waited for Die to return, Kyo moved his and Die’s coffees to the small table tucked against one wall of the kitchen and took a seat in one of the two wooden chairs there. He concentrated on maintaining an utterly calm demeanor, so as to not drive Die into some kind of panic when he explained the situation, and when Die at last came back to the kitchen, Kyo made his best effort to offer him a smile.

Die blanched. “Oh, _god_. It’s bad, isn’t it?”

Kyo shook his head quickly and gestured for Die to sit. “Not bad.”

Die still looked wary as he sat across from him. “You talked some sense into him?”

Kyo pursed his lips. “Not exactly. But. Well, before you freak out, I want to make it clear that everything is fine.”

"Why would I need to freak out if everything is fine?”

“Because you might not _understand_ that everything is fine, at first.”

Die put his face in his hands. “You didn’t manage to fix anything, did you?”

“I just…” Kyo was amazed by how bad Die could make him feel, even when everything he’d done had only been to help Die out. “I’m going to be coming with you.”

“What?!” Die looked up incredulously.

“On the retreat,” Kyo said. “I’m just. Gonna come along.”

Die stared at him. “Posing as my boyfriend.”

Kyo shrugged and nodded.

“You’re insane.”

“I’m trying to _help_ ,” Kyo said, doing his best not to feel insulted by Die’s reaction.

“Right, and no offense, but you’re failing.”

“Nah, I’m gonna go ahead and be somewhat offended by that, actually,” Kyo said.

“We can’t carry out a charade like that the whole retreat,” Die said. “There are going to be people there, Kyo; there are social events we’d be expected to attend as a couple.”

“I’m prepared to deal with that.”

“I’m not!”

“Then you have a week to get your ass prepared!” Kyo said, louder than he meant to. “I mean… to deal with… the charade.”

Die was still looking at him like he was something out of his nightmares. “ _No_. No, Kyo, that… it won’t work, and I’m not comfortable… I’ll tell Seiji everything.”

“You can’t.”

“Of course I can,” Die said angrily. “It’s my business, and honestly none of yours.”

“It is mine, now,” Kyo said. “It’s everyone’s. And I’m not going to let you go—”

“ _Let_ me?!”

Kyo rolled his eyes. “That guy is bad news, Die. And he is out to get you. I don’t know what kind of friend I would be if I sent you straight into his lion’s den without being there to watch your back.” Looking down at his rapidly cooling coffee he muttered, “I guess the kind you don’t even trust enough to be out to.”

He hadn’t really intended to say that bit loud enough for Die to hear, but now Die was staring at him with a strange new hurt added in with his disbelief. 

“What did you just say?”

Kyo couldn’t bring himself to repeat it, so he just scowled down at the table.

“What, like I _owe_ you that kind of personal information?”

Kyo looked up at that, not having meant it that way at all.

“Newsflash, Kyo, the world doesn’t fucking revolve around you,” Die said through gritted teeth. “You’re not _entitled_ to details about who I do or don’t take to bed, and my life isn’t only here for you to mess around with like you’re arranging pieces in some art show—I have to _live_ it.”

“I know,” Kyo said, more meekly than he expected his voice to come out.

“Fuck you and your shit ideas that now _I_ have to clean up after,” Die said, getting up from the table. “And you add too much sugar to your coffee.” He turned and grabbed his coat from the couch on his way through the living room. The door slammed a moment later, signaling his departure and making the silence that followed all the more deafening.

Kyo sat in stunned stillness for almost a full minute before he got up from the table and kicked one of the wooden chairs over with a cry of frustration. He was tempted to throw the cup of coffee Die had left behind (too much _sugar_?? Like Kyo hadn’t seen Die spoon _disturbing_ quantities of sweetener into his coffee more times than he could count in all the years he’d known him?) against the wall, but in an effort to be less destructive, he just pushed both hands into his hair, holding tight as he dropped into a crouch, his face almost against his knees as he tried to calm down.

Guilt was warring loudly with whatever self-righteous outrage was bubbling within him. On the one hand, he was horrified to think that Die saw him that way, as meddling and short-sighted and entitled—he didn’t want to act that way and he _certainly_ had never meant to imply that Die was in any sense obligated to divulge his private life to him. On the other hand, he couldn’t believe that Die would be such an ungrateful son of a bitch—what, _Die_ had to clean up after _Kyo_? Like he hadn’t come crying to Kyo’s doorstep the night before after he’d made a proper mess of things? And even before that Kyo had only been trying to protect Die from someone from whom he’d acted like he didn’t want attention.

Kyo could almost have laughed at his own stupidity now, for trying to get between Die and what was now more apparently a persistent ex. Here Kyo had gone through all this trying to keep Seiji away from Die, but going by what Seiji had said (“ _He definitely acted like a single man…_ ”), Die had probably seen fit to fuck him before, so why was it Kyo’s job to keep it from happening again now?

The thought made him angrier though he couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. He supposed it was just that Seiji seemed like such a sleaze bag he felt skeeved by the idea of someone like that being Die’s type. After all, Die was attractive, a decent person—not to mention a fucking rockstar. Couldn’t he afford to be a bit choosier?

Not that it was any of Kyo’s business. As Die had so helpfully pointed out.

That brought the guilt crashing back in. If only Kyo had just kept out of it instead of sticking his nose where it didn’t belong… It didn’t matter that he was trying to help if it wasn’t something he should have been involving himself in anyway.

Kyo wasn’t sure how long he’d been crouching curled up on his kitchen floor when his phone started vibrating and snapped him out of his daze. With some physical struggle, he pulled himself upright and got out his phone to answer the call from Takumi.

“…Kyo?”

“Yeah, what.”

“Um, where are you?”

“What?” Kyo said again.

“Are you nearby? The meeting started ten minutes ago.”

Kyo wanted to hope he’d dozed off and this was just an unpleasant dream, but it was lacking the surrealistic horror aspect most of his nightmares stuck to. He stole a glance at his watch and found that it was after noon. “Shit.”

“You… forgot…?” Takumi sounded bewildered.

“Not… exactly,” Kyo said. “I just lost track of time. You guys have the meeting without me, okay? Something came up.”

“Are you okay?”

“More or less.” Kyo picked up the two abandoned mugs from the table and emptied them into the sink. “Fill me in on the meeting later, yeah?”

“Of course,” Takumi said, but he still sounded unsure.

“I’m fine,” Kyo said, almost aggressively. “Go take notes for me.”

Takumi agreed and hung up, leaving Kyo once again alone with his thoughts. His brain seemed uncomfortably loud in the small kitchen.

Righting the chair he’d knocked over earlier, Kyo wondered how he could possibly right things with Die. Even with years of working alongside him and knowing Die could have a bit of a temper, he had seldom seen him so angry, and had never had it directed so fully at him. It hurt, the pain lingering to a surprising degree, and Kyo didn’t know how to deal with it except to want to hurt _more_ , in a manner that he could control himself.

He spent the afternoon doing idle tasks around the apartment, trying to keep his hands busy, even if he couldn’t get his mind to cooperate in any productivity. He still wasn’t sure whether he was more angry with Die or with himself by the time the sky was darkening.

Once he’d set his rice to cook he went to plug in his phone and found he had missed a text from Shinya.

_Call me re:Die_.

Shit.

Kyo stared at the message, feeling panic creeping up his spine and out across his shoulders.

Shit shit shit.

Of _course_ Die would go to Shinya. He obviously trusted him a lot more than he’d ever trusted Kyo.

And with good reason.

Shinya would never have tried to pull something idiotic like this and just made Die’s problems worse. Shinya actually had some fucking sense.

Trying to ignore the shaking in his hand, Kyo hit the icon to call Shinya, and psyched himself up for the lecture he was undoubtedly about to receive.

A couple rings later, Shinya’s calm voice came smoothly across the line. “Hello.”

“Hey, yeah, it’s Kyo.”

“I was waiting for you to call.”

“Yeah, I-I know.” Kyo chewed his lip anxiously. He’d expected Shinya to get right on with the shaming and was only increasingly stressed out the longer he had to wait. “So what did he tell you?”

“Sorry?”

“Everything, I’m assuming,” Kyo said, “Starting, I’m sure, with how much of an idiot I am.”

“Kyo—”

“I am, okay, you don’t have to sugarcoat it—god, did he tell you that too, about the coffee? That was just him being all pissy and weird, which he has a right to, I guess—”

“ _Kyo_ ,” Shinya said again, in that rarely-used voice capable of shutting up any and everyone. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Kyo paused. “But. You said to call you. About Die.”

“Yes,” Shinya said. “His birthday is next week; I thought we might plan something for him.”

“Oh.” That made sense, of course. Maybe Shinya could just ignore all the other stupid stuff he’d been saying, and they could discuss Die’s birthday instead.

“So what were _you_ going on about?”

“Nothing,” Kyo said, convincingly.

“…You’re going to lie to me about it?”

Okay, fine, not that convincingly.

“It’s just a small thing,” Kyo said. “I kinda screwed something up and, um, I guess Die got. Pretty mad.”

“Pretty mad?”

“Yeah, you know, he kind of… told me off, in no uncertain terms, and stormed out.”

“What did you do?” Shinya asked. “What ‘small thing’ did you screw up?”

“It’s kind of complicated to explain.”

“This isn’t related to what you were telling me about yesterday.”

“It… might be,” Kyo said, wincing.

“The guy isn’t backing off?” Shinya sounded concerned. “Tell me Die at least was in on your little plan to pose as his lover.”

“He was,” Kyo said quickly. “It just kind of all went to shit, and instead of fixing it like I was supposed to, I said some stuff I shouldn’t have, and now Die thinks I’m a terrible person, which… I dunno, maybe I am.”

“What did you say?”

“It was… kind of personal,” Kyo said.

“Hmm.”

“I swear, I was just trying to help him, Shinya. How can I always screw things up so badly?”

“It’s hard for me to say without knowing the details, but I believe you were trying to help.”

“But this… _asshole_ who won’t leave Die alone, he was saying how he was going to keep coming after him the entire retreat he’s going on for the holidays, so what was I supposed to do? He threatened Die, he threatened the band; I said I would go on the retreat too, to look out for Die.”

At that, Shinya went quiet. At length, he said, “You… offered to go along?”

“Not offered really, I was more blackmailed into it,” Kyo said. “But I agreed.”

“To attend the retreat, still pretending to be dating Die.”

“It seemed like the only option.”

“Kyo…” Shinya sighed. “Surely you can see what an uncomfortable position you’ve put Die in.”

“The position was uncomfortable before I got here,” Kyo argued.

“But you’re asking him to go and fake a relationship with you, _in front_ of people,” Shinya said. “It’s one thing to just say it, but if you’re on a retreat with this person you’re trying to protect Die from, there will be expectations, and asking Die to go through that…”

“Better me than someone else!” Kyo said. “At least we’re friends!” _I hope we’re still friends, anyway…_

Shinya got quiet again, and for a minute Kyo thought he might have hung up, but then he heard him sigh once more, a soft exasperated little sound.

“Well,” Kyo said, unsure what else there was to explain. “So he got pissed at me for meddling and being a generally shit person, and yeah. Now I don’t know where we stand.”

“No,” Shinya said tiredly. “He didn’t give any indication as to his next move?”

“He said he was going to tell the truth, admit that the whole thing was sham, but Shinya, he _can’t_.”

“You don’t think that would be wise at this point?”

“The guy’s a _reporter_! He’s gonna—He could really do something bad to Die, if he’s mad. Not to mention the rest of Dir en grey.” Kyo rubbed at his forehead, the stress of the whole thing getting to him.

“Hmm.”

Kyo waited for Shinya to say more. He needed his friend’s wisdom possibly more than he ever had before.

“I think… you may actually be right.”

Kyo blinked, sure he had misheard him.

“It’s too dangerous a situation for Die to risk angering this reporter,” Shinya said. “And going with him on the retreat in order to keep him safe… seems possibly _extreme_ , but it also makes sense. I don’t want Die to get hurt, either.”

“So what should I do?” Kyo said. “I don’t think Die’s ever been so mad at me.”

“Would you like me to speak to him?”

“If you think it would help…”

“Very well,” Shinya said. “When is the retreat?”

“We’re supposed to go next Thursday.”

“The day after Die’s birthday.”

Oh, right, they were supposed to be planning something. “I guess.”

“Never mind about that,” Shinya said. “You have enough on your plate. I’ll talk to Toshiya about setting something up for him.”

“Okay,” Kyo said a bit numbly. No wonder Die didn’t consider him as good a friend as he liked to think he was. He was completely useless in times of crisis, and Shinya was stronger than any of them. If only he’d come to him first, maybe they wouldn’t have ended up in such a deep hole. 

Truly, Kyo felt that he was sinking deeper and deeper into some inescapable pit, everything spinning out of his control, and he was helpless to get himself out of it. What if Die had already talked to Seiji? What if all the headlines tomorrow were throwing the whole band under the bus? What if Die really thought all those awful things about Kyo that he had said, and what if he was right?

“Don’t panic,” Shinya said gently. His voice somehow cut through Kyo’s thoughts, strong enough for Kyo to grab hold of and pull himself up from the threatening abyss. “Die doesn’t hate you.”

At times, Kyo was sure Shinya really was from some other planet. He couldn’t see any other explanation for how he knew things he shouldn’t know, understood things that Kyo couldn’t even describe. If his friend was literally an alien, Kyo supposed he was no less grateful for his friendship. He offered up his thanks quietly and Shinya ended the call.

Kyo stood holding his phone for a long time, then carefully set it down, and went to finish making his dinner. Later that night he worked on new music that he couldn’t be sure he would share with anyone else, but it felt right and necessary to make it anyway.

 

* * *

 

Takumi’s notes from the sukekiyo meeting were waiting in Kyo’s inbox the next morning. He spent most of the day responding to emails from various people and working on nitpicky details for sukekiyo, but there wasn’t as much business as he was really used to since a lot of it was put on hold until after the holiday. He took the afternoon to just walk around the city, bundled up warmly enough that he wasn’t overly worried about people recognizing him on the street. He tried not to let his thoughts linger on the matter with Die, but found himself pulling up the messenger application on his phone again and again. He knew he had to wait, had to let Die be willing to hear from him before he went meddling again.

At the same time, he was afraid. Every hour that passed gave Die more opportunity to confess everything to Seiji and potentially bring all their careers crashing down around them. He hadn’t gotten any urgent calls from management yet, so he assumed no news was good news, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t still worried.

He used a lot of self control not contacting Shinya either. He didn't want to be a burden to anyone and he knew that if Shinya said he would speak to Die then he would. That was one thing he _didn’t_ have to worry about.

The next day followed the same pattern. Kyo went out to keep himself busy, he worried, etc. He tried to enjoy things about the holiday season, but there was too much stress, solid in the back of his mind, something he thought he could feel physically occupying his skull, for him to appreciate much about the world around him.

Thumbing his messages open again for the hundredth time in two days, Kyo gave a start as his phone vibrated in his hand, and a surprising little _1_ was highlighted next to Die’s name.

_Are you at home?_ was all the message said.

Kyo looked around. He wasn’t at home. He was actually at a temple, one of his favorites in the city, people-watching. He typed his reply quickly, _Not currently. Why?_

The ellipses appeared at once, indicating that Die was typing. _Need to talk to you_.

Kyo couldn’t tell what the tone of the message was and it left him uneasy. He wet his lips before responding. _Okay, I can be home within the hour._

_See you there._

There was nothing else to say, so Kyo slid his phone into his coat pocket, and started to make his way towards the exit.

He reasoned as he walked that Shinya must have spoken to Die by now, and had presumably talked some sense into him. He also reasoned that it didn’t matter too much what Die had to talk to him about since it was a relief that he was talking to him at all, especially apparently before he talked to Seiji. They could work out any misunderstanding without getting an unpredictable member of the press in the middle of it—at least any more than he already was.

And really, Kyo was just glad Die was reaching out. It seemed like he might give Kyo another chance to kind of plead his case, and possibly be forgiving. It had been such an ugly feeling, having Die angry with him; there wasn’t much he wanted more than for things to be all right between them again.

So as he arrived home to wait for Die, Kyo readied himself to listen to and consider whatever Die might have to say. Surely, they could work the whole ordeal out one way or another.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, all! I hope this year brings us all many good things and inspirations. Here is some more nonsense. Love~

The version of Die that arrived at Kyo's door was so drastically changed from the one only a few nights prior that it might have been a completely different person.

“Hello, Kyo,” he said, taking off his sunglasses. He pushed his flawless hair back behind his ear. “Is it all right if I come in?”

“Of course,” Kyo said, quickly stepping aside to let Die past him. 

“I reacted poorly the other day,” Die said. “I want to apologize first and foremost.”

Kyo looked at him uncomfortably, waiting as he slid his expensive coat off his narrow shoulders and let it hang over one arm. The way he was talking was strange and forced and didn’t sound like the Die he knew. “You don’t need to apologize.”

“I feel that I do,” Die said, though his face still seemed eerily emotionless. “I said some unnecessarily hurtful things to you.” He removed his boots and put them out of the way without losing a shred of dignity, and Kyo was aware of how small he felt in Die’s presence. He wondered how much of that was just the attitude.

“I said stuff I shouldn’t have, too,” Kyo said. “And I shouldn’t have put you in an awkward place like that. I mean, I was trying to help, but I should have involved you more in that decision.”

Die nodded shortly and swept past Kyo into the living room. He draped his coat over the arm of the couch and sat down, taking out his phone and looking at it with a crease between his brows.

“Did you… um,” Kyo started uncertainly, “Did you end up talking to Seiji?”

Die’s eyes flicked up to Kyo for only a second before refocusing on his phone. “No.”

Finally, Kyo was unable to ignore it any longer. “Why are you acting super weird?”

“How do you mean?” Die sat up a bit straighter.

“You’re being all… cold and polite and not really looking at me. You said you wanted to apologize, but if you’re still pissed, I don’t get why you’re here.”

“It’s not—” Die shifted on the couch, looking down at his phone again before meeting Kyo’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m not mad.”

“No? ‘Cause you were pretty damn mad when you stormed out of here the other day.” Kyo was still standing a ways back from the couch, somewhat concerned that Die might blow up again and not wanting to get too close, just in case.

“I know,” Die said. “I _was_ mad. And I said shit I regret, and now I want to move forward from that. I didn’t talk to Seiji. I talked to Shinya.”

Kyo nodded.

“He helped me see a little bit more where you were coming from,” Die said. “I get you were just doing the only thing you felt you could, and while I’m still not _happy_ about it… I’m willing to work with you.”

Kyo took a few wary steps towards the couch. “Work with me?”

“We’ll go on the retreat together.”

“I thought you said I was insane for even suggesting it.”

“I did,” Die admitted, “But we don’t really have a choice, so,” he held up his phone, “we have to just map everything out, very carefully.”

Kyo raised an eyebrow. “What do you have on there?”

“A plan. Or, part of one. We still have a few things to fill in.” Die looked slightly embarrassed as Kyo slowly came over and took a seat at the opposite end of the couch. “Um, Shinya helped me work it out.”

That made a little more sense. It didn’t really seem to Kyo like the kind of thing Die would do on his own, but Shinya having had a hand in it cleared it up somewhat.

Die was quiet, looking at his phone again before he asked, “What did you tell him?”

Guilt surged abruptly through Kyo for having mentioned any of the situation to someone else without Die’s permission. “I… I just told him about Seiji. I didn’t out you.”

Die shook his head. “No, I know. He didn’t seem to know many specifics, so I could tell you must have been trying to be discreet.”

“I’m sorry; I know I shouldn’t have said anything,” Kyo said.

“No, it’s all right,” Die said. He shrugged. “I mean, Shinya already knows, anyway.”

Of course Kyo had suspected as much, had figured that Shinya was more likely to be in on the finer points of Die’s private life than he was, but somehow the confirmation stung. Just the smallest amount. “I didn’t want to risk it anyway.”

For the first time since he arrived, the briefest of smiles crossed Die’s face. “Thanks.”

“I’m sorry I fucked everything up,” Kyo said.

“It’s not your fault.” Die rolled his eyes. “Or, well, it’s only partially your fault. So don’t worry about it. Let’s just figure out the details.”

Kyo waited for him to go on, still not really sure what kind of details Die wanted to work out.

“I already told Seiji that we’ve been together a little over two years,” Die said.

“Yeah, he asked me,” Kyo said.

Die winced. “How did you answer??”

“I evaded the question.”

“Yeah,” Die snorted. “Guess you’re a pro at that.”

“Meaning what exactly?”

“Only literally what I said,” Die replied. “You’ve done enough uncomfortable interviews in your career to have developed a skill for getting around questions you don’t want to answer. It’s good! It’ll help us out when we’re trying to pull this off.”

Kyo still didn’t feel like Die meant it as much of a compliment, but he let it go. “So what, our anniversary is around Halloween, somewhere in there?”

Die nodded, looking at the open document on his phone. “I figure we can say, you know, I asked you out right before we left for the overseas tour—”

“ _You_ asked _me_ out?”

Die looked at him in surprise. “Is that a problem?”

“I’m just wondering if it’s realistic,” Kyo said. If it were a real relationship, and not a pretend one, Kyo thought he would have noticed Die before Die thought about making a pass at him. “I don’t think you’re the type to make the first move.”

Die quirked an eyebrow.

“I mean of the two of us,” Kyo said.

“You don’t even _speak_ to most people.”

“But obviously I speak to _you_ ,” Kyo said. “If this were a real thing, and I were attracted to you, I would have fallen for you _years_ ago—”

“Oh, would you have?”

“Sure, I mean, look at you,” Kyo said reasonably. “And after a long period of inner struggle, I would have finally confessed, say, at the _party_ before we left for our overseas tour, when you were drunk and I thought you wouldn’t remember.”

Die looked nothing if not amused. “Only I did remember, because I felt the same way.”

“Exactly! And the rest is history!”

“Fine,” Die said, turning back to his phone with a smile still pulling at the corner of his mouth. “You asked me out then. Next question: we don’t live together, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“So what stage are we at with that? Do we have plans to move in together? Do we stay at one another’s home for extended periods of time?”

Kyo grimaced. “Have I _ever_ been to your place?”

“I’ve been over here more in the past few days than I have in the past ten years combined,” Die said.

“But I guess, we’d have to stay over regularly,” Kyo said. “You’d have a toothbrush here and everything.”

“And you get along with my cat.”

“Naturally,” Kyo said. “But I might rather you had a dog.”

Die’s mouth dropped open, scandalized. “Then get your own dog, asshole!”

Kyo laughed. “You should write that one down.”

Die was laughing too. “All right, all right. So are we out to our families?”

Kyo’s laughter ended with a huff. “I mean, I’m not. Are you?”

“Are you—Do you mean, in reality?” Die asked.

“Yeah, real you.”

Die paused. “Only my brother,” he said softly. “Probably they’d be fine with it and everything, but I guess… The way things are between me and my family right now, it’s good. I don’t want to fuck with that. It feels selfish.”

“It’s not selfish,” Kyo said at once. “But I can understand not wanting to change things if they’re good.”

“And, in the story, you’re not out to your family either?”

Kyo thought about it and shook his head. “They’re too traditional, and we’re not all that close. I don’t share that kind of thing with them.”

Die typed their answers into the document on his phone. “So neither of our families know. Sad.”

“Sad? I don’t think so,” Kyo said, frowning. “The family you’re born into is hardly the most significant indicator of how accepted you are, especially at our age. At a certain point you build your own family, whether that’s settling down and having kids, or surrounding yourself with friends and collaborators like we’ve done.” He smiled at Die.

“Right. So are we out to the rest of the band?” Die’s face was stoic once more.

“I… Oh.” Kyo’s smile faded. He thought if _he_ were gay, he probably would be out to his bandmates; even though he valued his privacy, especially in personal matters, he thought he would see it as enough a part of his identity and his emotional experience that he wouldn’t be bothered with trying to hide it.

Die however had already it made it pretty clear that he didn’t feel that way. Shinya had known about his orientation, but he’d never told Kyo, and that made it hard to know if the others were in the loop or not. If Die wanted to keep a relationship private that was certainly his choice, but while Kyo hadn’t put much value on his blood relations knowing things, it felt much sadder to say he would hide such an aspect of himself from his bandmates.

“Bit trickier, isn’t it?” Die said when Kyo’s silence dragged on.

“I would… want to be out to them,” Kyo admitted quietly. “But if you wouldn’t, we would have to go with whatever you’re okay with.”

“Is that okay?” Die’s eyes were narrowed as he looked at Kyo.

“It has to be,” Kyo said with a shrug. “You come out as _you’re_ comfortable with; it’s a completely personal decision and I wouldn’t pressure you to come out if you weren’t ready.” He shook his head then. “Not that it would have anything to do with me anyway, since the whole thing is pretend.”

“Of course,” Die said, and looked back down at his phone.

The quiet stretched between them like a rubberband about to snap, and finally Kyo sighed.

“I’m sorry I was—” he began, but Die just talked right over him.

“I guess other than that we just need to make sure we know the basics of each other’s likes and dislikes and so forth."

Kyo blinked at how blatantly he’d been mowed over, but he wasn’t going to push something Die didn’t want to talk about. Recovering, he said, “I think I know more about you after all these years than you give me credit for.”

“You think so?”

“Like I happen to know you like a shit-ton of sweetener in your coffee.”

Die looked up at him, guilt flashing across his features. His mouth opened and then closed. “I guess I do."

“And you have a sexual relationship with your guitars.”

A short laugh fell out of Die's mouth. “Guess that’s hardly privileged information.”

“Still, it’s important for me to acknowledge my competition.”

Die licked his lips, thought for a moment. “What side of the bed do you like to sleep on?”

“Oh,” Kyo said, somehow caught off-guard by the question. “I guess… the right-hand side? If that’s… all right?”

“That’s fine with me.” Die nodded.

Most of the next hour was spent trading small, casual details that could come up, inventing answers where there was no pre-existing one. It was actually one of the nicest evenings Kyo could remember having in years. It was surreal how much he could learn about Die in a single sitting, after knowing him and working alongside him for decades. In all that time, how had he never thought to ask Die something like what his favorite smell was?

They had more in common than Kyo had ever realized before, shared opinions on a number of things, both inconsequential and terribly important to him. He even found himself kind of looking forward to the opportunity to hang out with Die more on the retreat.

“I’m supposed to feed Shinya’s pets,” Kyo said, suddenly remembering.

“Today?”

“No, but during the time we’ll be gone on the retreat.” Kyo rested a hand on top of his head as he tried to think of how to do both obligations at once. “Shit. I forgot.”

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Die said. “He’ll get it; I’ll tell him right now. I can even give him the info for the same person who’s coming to look in on my cat.”

“I feel like I keep inconveniencing everyone,” Kyo said.

“Shinya’s an understanding guy,” Die assured him.

“He is,” Kyo agreed. He bit his lip and then said, “Don’t you think we could at least be out to _him_?”

“Just Shinya, and not the rest of the band?”

“Isn’t that what you had going on before?” Kyo said with what he hoped was a casual shrug.

Die studied him for a moment. “It really bothers you, doesn’t it?”

“No,” Kyo said hurriedly. “What does? I’m fine.”

“Why does it upset you that Shinya knew I was gay and you didn’t?” Die asked plainly. “You’ve never shown any particular interest in my dating habits before.”

“That’s not the point,” Kyo said, shaking his head. “And it doesn’t bother me. Or I guess maybe it does, but that’s a me problem. You don’t owe me any information, like you said.”

Die hesitated, shifted in his seat. “Does it maybe bother you… just because I’m gay? Is _that_ the actual problem?”

Kyo’s eyes went wide at that. “No! You’re my friend! That doesn’t matter to me!” He winced. “I mean, it _matters_ if it’s important to your identity and everything, but I would never think more or less of you for something like that.”

Die’s eyes searched Kyo’s face. “Then…?”

Kyo shrugged again, more helpless than casual this time. “You don’t trust me.”

Die’s eyebrows shot up. “What?”

“You told Shinya, but even after everything we’ve been through together you think I wouldn’t accept you,” Kyo said. “It’s part of you and you didn’t feel safe letting me in on it. It’s not your fault, it’s _mine_. But it still hurts.”

Die stared sadly at him and finally set his phone off to the side. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Kyo.”

“You don’t owe me an explanation,” Kyo said firmly. “I just hate that I must have done something to make you feel unsafe. You’re my bandmate and I want you to know I always have your back.”

“I… Thank you.” Die looked down at his hands in his lap. “That means a lot to me.” It was quiet until he said, “We can be out to Shinya then. He’s our ally in this already anyway.”

Kyo smiled slightly, glad they could come to a compromise. Shinya would be good to have in their corner when all was said and done.

“I should get going,” Die said, and stood up.

It felt abrupt to Kyo and he stood as well, wondering if Die was angry again.

“Sorry, it’s—nothing’s wrong,” Die said, catching the look on Kyo’s face. “I just… have to leave for Osaka tomorrow, for DECAYS.”

“Oh, right.” Kyo had pretty much forgotten about Die’s upcoming series of gigs with DECAYS. He’d imagined the retreat was the next big thing, but it wasn’t, he supposed, for Die. He felt yet another unbidden little ripple of guilt, this time over the fact that he wasn’t planning to attend any of Die’s concerts. 

“I’ll be back Monday,” Die said. “But I’m gonna be busy till the live is over on Wednesday.”

“Your birthday.”

“…Yes,” Die said, eyeing Kyo almost suspiciously. “I have that one last live that night, and then I guess we go on Thursday.”

Kyo nodded. “Tight schedule.”

“I like to keep myself occupied.” Die picked up his coat and started to put it on. 

“Feel free to text, if you have any more info for me,” Kyo said, walking with Die to the door.

“Yeah, same to you,” Die said. “I’ll send you a copy of what we have so far, too. To study, or whatever.”

“Ugh,” Kyo said, and laughed.

“It won’t kill you to study for once in your life,” Die said with a smirk. He knelt to put his boots on.

“Guess there are worse subjects at least,” Kyo said.

Die gave him a kind of funny look and shook his hair back over his shoulder. “Speak for yourself. I’ve got to study _you_ , remember.”

“Eej.” Kyo patted him awkwardly on the shoulder. “Sorry about that.”

Die laughed and finally opened the front door. “Take care, ne?”

“You too,” Kyo said. “Safe travels.”

Die waved once more, inclining his head, and then he was gone, leaving Kyo’s genkan feeling much colder than it had a moment before.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *creeps in awkwardly* Heeeey guys... Um. Heh. I hope some people are still kind of interested in this fic. I am a human trash pile, I know, for not posting anything in so long, but I have been writing. My year so far has been largely preoccupied with this kind of surprising new relationship, my first in almost four years (and he's a Dir en grey fan, what??), but more than that, I've been having some issues with my computer making it hard to post. It's working better now, so I'm reeeally hoping that means I can get back to sharing my stuff with y'all.  
> Other than that, I'll be honest, this fic in particular I lost a lot of momentum for; I got some feedback on it and got really discouraged, and so I've mostly been working on other things. But here's this chapter at least. I'm not making promises that the next chapter will be soon, but eh. I'll try. Thanks so much for your support and I love you guys! I hope I can be around here more consistently! This isn't much, but enjoy??

Despite Kyo’s usual tendency to be an infrequent texter, he had an ongoing conversation with Die basically the entire time he was out of town. Originally, Kyo had messaged Die when he'd thought to remind him of his allergies so he could note it in his document, but by the time the weekend was ending, he was asking about how the concerts were going and laughing at Die’s anecdotes about some ridiculous airport drama. It made him wonder why he and Die didn’t talk this much under regular circumstances.

Meanwhile, he had been helping Shinya and Toshiya with planning for Die’s birthday.

As Shinya had assured him, most of the preparations had been taken care of before Kyo was really brought onboard. Shinya had made sure all the proper people were invited and was grudgingly hosting the gathering at his own home. Toshiya had been put in charge of handling refreshments, and the catering orders had already been put in. Kyo had merely been _consulted_ at various stages, his input valued. When Wednesday rolled around, all that was left to do was set up and decorate.

Kyo arrived in the afternoon, his modest gift tucked under one arm, a bottle of alcohol in his hand. Toshiya answered the door cheerfully and showed Kyo where to put his offerings.

“You’re early,” Kyo commented as Toshiya added Kyo’s contribution to the assortment of booze already cluttering the kitchen counter. “I mean, even earlier than me.”

“I had to go pick up the drinks, so I just brought them right over,” Toshiya said. “I have to leave again in a bit though, to get the food from the caterers.”

“I’ve been making good use of his height,” Shinya said, walking into the kitchen with a tablecloth. Automatically, Kyo moved to help him get it spread evenly over the bare table. “No offense, but he’s more suited for certain kinds of decorating than you are.”

“I accept that,” Kyo said.

They got all the drinks moved onto the now-covered table, and Shinya appointed them all cleaning tasks, keeping them busy all the way up until Toshiya was leaving to get the food.

“I’ll bring Kaoru back with me, too,” Toshiya said. “I don’t have room for anyone else though.”

“They can manage on their own,” Shinya said. “Just make sure everything’s ready before Die gets here, and that it looks good. Kyo, I’m counting on you to help with that, too.”

Kyo frowned, confused. “Why, where are you gonna be?”

Shinya looked blankly at him. “I have to bring Die.”

“See you later!” Toshiya sang as he headed out.

Shinya called his thanks after him, and went back to work scooting furniture around the front room.

Kyo looked around, taking in the work they’d done. The place looked great, festive and sparkling in a way that maintained a kind of elegance. Toshiya had draped semi-sheer fabric so it flowed gracefully along the living room ceiling, hanging from the support beams, giving an almost otherworldly ambience to the whole space. The birthday gifts that had already been brought were stacked neatly under a tiny Christmas tree which acted as the centerpiece for the small coffee table in front of the sofa.

Before Kyo had a chance to compliment Shinya for his attention to detail, Shinya was ducking out of the room, saying, “I’m going to check on the animals.”

Kyo was left standing awkwardly alone in the pristine living room. He pulled out his phone, absently thumbing open his messaging app and finding he had a new text from Die.

_We just had soundcheck. My voice sounds like shit. I don’t know how you do this all the time._

Kyo smiled to himself. _I work hard these days to take care of my instrument, just like you do with your guitar._

He added, _Though I’d guess that drinking before the show isn’t doing you any favors…_

He opened Twitter and scrolled through it for a couple minutes until he got a notification for a new message.

It was a selfie of Die flipping off the camera, and Kyo laughed before responding, simply.

_Happy birthday_.

Shinya’s voice made Kyo look up from the screen, “What’s got you chuckling this time?”

Kyo shook his head, putting his phone back into his pocket. “Just Die.”

"You two are… texting each other?”

“Well, we have been,” Kyo said. Feeling defensive, he tacked on, “You know, discussing our game plan and everything.”

“I’m not judging,” Shinya said. “I’m just surprised.”

Kyo didn’t really believe that. He was reasonably sure Shinya was always quietly judging him. “He was messaging me about vocalist stuff.”

“Hmm.”

Kyo felt the need to get off the topic. “How are the animals? Ready for the party?”

“Yes, they should be fine,” Shinya said. “They might not like being shut up for the evening, but I refilled their water and I’ll be in to check on them later, take them out…”

“I’m sorry again, that I won’t be able to help out with them during the holiday.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Shinya said. “Someone’s coming to look after Die’s cat too, so he gave me the info and it works out well.” 

Kyo nodded.

“What about you?”

“I… don’t have pets.”

“I meant, is it working out well? Your convoluted plan thing?”

“Oh,” Kyo said. He scratched at the back of his head. “It’s fine, so far. It’s good.”

“Yeah?”

“Sure,” Kyo said. “We’ve worked out most stuff. I’ve learned a lot about Die lately.”

“I bet,” Shinya said. “I just hope you’ll be careful and considerate.”

“Do you think I’m usually inconsiderate?” Kyo asked with a frown.

“No,” Shinya said. Then, “But you can be thoughtless.”

“What? Like I’m insensitive?” Kyo’s frown deepened. It called to mind Die’s angry comments about the world not revolving around Kyo.

“Not necessarily,” Shinya said. “Just… be mindful. Don’t forget that this is probably more difficult for Die than it is for you.”

“I’ll only be there to help,” Kyo said, a little confused by Shinya’s seriousness.

“I know.” Shinya looked at his phone. “I should probably get going.”

“Already?”

“I’m going to watch the concert,” Shinya said.

Kyo’s mouth moved to one side of his face. “Wish I could go.”

“I need you here anyway,” Shinya said. “I trust your aesthetic judgment.” He cocked his head to one side. “To an extent.”

Kyo snorted. “Fine, just…” He couldn’t think of how to express the sentiment he wanted Shinya to pass on to Die. “Have fun.”

“I will.”

“And Shinya—Thanks,” Kyo said, stopping Shinya on his way to the front door. “For your help with everything, with Die, and the reporter. You’re our one ally with that ordeal.”

“Anytime.”

He went out, leaving Kyo once more alone.

He sat in the silence of the house for a long few minutes before getting up and keeping himself busy readying music for the get-together. He couldn’t really shake the feeling that he wished he could actually go support Die at his show. Even if their relationship was pretend, their friendship wasn't, and if he had had more forethought he could have arranged to go alongside Shinya, and hidden himself away enough that he wouldn’t have been noticed. Instead he was stuck here in an empty house while Shinya demonstrated yet again that he was a better friend to Die than Kyo could hope to be.

He didn’t have any good reason for why he would feel remotely competitive about such a thing. He supposed somewhere in the back of things he must have still been feeling like he needed to prove himself. 

At present his best option then was to channel that energy into making Die’s birthday celebration the best it could be, showing Die his appreciation in a completely tangible way. If nothing else, he was looking forward to seeing him. It hadn’t been long at all, but Kyo felt strangely eager to see Die again, more aware of it than he usually was between Dir en grey activity and the like.

Kyo had a decent playlist put together when at last Toshiya and Kaoru showed up.

“Is there more in the car?” Kyo asked, holding the door open as his bandmates filed in, weighed down with bags and boxes from the catering company.

“I think we got it all,” Toshiya said.

“No, not quite; I left flowers in the backseat,” Kaoru said. “Hey Kyo.”

“Hey.” Kyo looked past Kaoru to the car. “Want me to grab ‘em?”

“If you would,” Kaoru said. “—Or, it won’t trigger your allergies?”

“It’s more pollen than, like, bouquets,” Kyo said. “Just carrying them inside should be fine.”

“It’s not a lot. Thanks,” Kaoru said over his shoulder as he carried his load to the kitchen.

Kyo went out to the car and found the flowers as described in the backseat. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight of the mixed bouquets, recognizing one type of flowers in the bunch as Die’s favorite from his study guide. It was a bit unwieldy, but he managed to carry them all in one trip, and Toshiya was propping the front door open for him as he approached the house.

He set everything down on the kitchen island and immediately started sneezing.

“Tsk, what did I say? I warned you about the allergies,” Kaoru said, steering Kyo out of the kitchen as Toshiya went about arranging the flowers in vases.

“Nah,” Kyo said, and sneezed again. “Probably someone’s just talkin’ about me.”

“Yeah right,” Toshiya said from the other room. “If we sneezed every time someone was talking about us, we’d never stop.”

“Speak for yourself,” Kaoru said, rolling his eyes.

“Talking about us, writing about us, getting off to the idea of us…”

“All right, all right, enough already.” Kaoru looked deeply unsettled, and Kyo almost felt bad for laughing at him.

“I don’t know if these flowers are gonna be good though, allergic triggers or not,” Toshiya said as he carried two vases into the living room. “Don’t you think they’re kind of busy? Too many colors at once?”

“I thought they looked nice…” Kaoru said, though he sounded a bit unsure.

“Maybe they’d be better without these orange ones in here,” Toshiya said, gesturing towards them.

“No!” Kyo said quickly. “What are you talking about? Those are Die’s favorite, leave them in!” He hurried forward to take a vase from Toshiya. Holding it somewhat protectively against his chest, he moved to put it on the end table in the corner.

Toshiya was still making a peculiar face at him when he turned back around, but he elected to ignore it.

Once the flowers were all in place, Kyo helped with setting up the food, and from there there wasn't much else to do aside from wait for everyone else to arrive.

“Don’t you guys feel bad, being here instead of at the live?” Kyo asked, looking at the kitchen clock again.

Toshiya shrugged. “I’ve been to see them before. Besides, someone’s got to get all this stuff ready.”

“And I don’t know about you, but I’m not interested in putting myself in the middle of that crowd,” Kaoru said. 

“I just wish I was supporting him anyway.” Kyo wasn’t sure why he felt it more strongly than he ever had with any of DECAYS’ previous performances. Maybe just because he’d been learning about Die, feeling closer to him. Continuing to not go to his shows made that closeness feel somehow superficial. “Shinya’s there and everything.”

“That’s just how Shinya is,” Kaoru said, taking a beer out of the fridge. He started towards the living room. “They’ll be here soon and you can support Die all you want, without it seeming like you’re there just for the publicity.”

“And I’ll be glad to be done with all this,” Toshiya said, following after Kaoru. Kyo went along, still thinking distractedly about the concert he was missing. “It’s the holidays and planning for this has taken up a lot of my energy. I’ve hardly gotten my shopping done.”

“Oh, you have big plans for Christmas and everything?” Kaoru asked.

“Not too big, gonna see some friends, do some volunteer work, maybe enjoy some snow,” Toshiya answered, reclining on the couch with his hands behind his head.

“Sounds well-rounded,” Kaoru said, and took a sip of his beer. “I’m going out of town too, but I’ll be trying to get some work done.”

“Do you ever do anything else?” Toshiya laughed.

Kyo stopped listening to them, pulling out his phone and messing around on it instead. They didn’t bother asking him his plans for the holiday, which was for the best, since he wasn’t sure what exactly he would have told them. They went on for a while, talking about the end of the year and what they hoped to accomplish in their personal lives, only drawing Kyo back into the conversation when they finally brought up what was next for Dir en grey.

“After the Best Of album is out, we’ll be able to focus more of our attentions on moving forward,” Kaoru said.

“Finally,” Kyo said with a sigh. “That Best of album has basically been haunting me ever since we came up with it. I don’t want to release all that same shit over again.”

“I know,” Kaoru said. They’d all heard Kyo’s thoughts on the matter more times than anyone could have cared to. “But twenty years is significant. We had to commemorate it somehow.”

“And we couldn’t very well do a tribute album, with other bands covering our stuff,” Toshiya said. “I mean, do you think there would be fifteen or twenty vocalists out there eager to do what you do?”

“There could be,” Kyo said. “I’m sure Gara would be game.”

“Not everyone is Gara,” Toshiya said. “Besides, the fans will love it, and isn’t that what matters?”

“I _guess_ ,” Kyo said, unconvinced. He was pretty sure what mattered more was making something new, using music to change the way people thought about the world. He was envious that Die was making new things with DECAYS, while even with sukekiyo he hadn’t gotten to put out much new content in the last several months. They’d had their cover for the MUCC tribute album, but it wasn’t really the same as working with his band to make something new that he could truly be proud of—even if that pride was usually short-lived.

If he hadn’t been preoccupied with the upcoming retreat and studying Die (perhaps more thoroughly than he had studied most topics in his scholarly history), he would have thought more about new works for sukekiyo. He was still feeling guilty about having missed that meeting. It wasn’t like him at all; even when his emotions got the better of him, he always showed up and did the work. He had received several checking-in type messages from Takumi since then, and could tell his bandmate was concerned.

It was only more embarrassing because there really was nothing to be concerned about. Die’s words had hurt him, perhaps more so because Kyo could recognize the truth in them, but there was no real reason for him to take it so hard. Everything with Seiji was more Die’s problem than his own anyway. He just felt responsible.

Kyo reasoned that he could get some work done while he was traveling and that he would forward any progress to Takumi. That should get him to fret over him less. He knew his sukekiyo colleagues saw him as some pillar of paternal strength in their group and he wanted to put them at ease as much as possible.

This was what his thoughts had wandered to when they were interrupted by the text popping up on his phone from Shinya simply saying, _ETA 5 min._

“Shit, they’re coming!” Kyo leapt up from his seat, shoving his phone into his pants pocket.

“Wait, now?” Toshiya sat up.

“Yes, now,” Kaoru confirmed. “Shinya texted me, too.” 

Kyo scrambled to start the music. “Is there anything we’re forgetting?”

“Are you sure we should we start the music already?” Toshiya said. “Are we supposed to hide?”

“It’s not a surprise party,” Kaoru said. “I mean, it’s obvious something’s happening if Shinya is bringing Die to his house.”

“How can they be almost here already?” Kyo said, feeling sure he should have done something else to prepare. For some reason he thought Die would have texted him when he was finished, that he would have had more warning…

“They’re coming!” Toshiya called, peeking through the blinds of the front window.

“It’s fine!” Kaoru said. “I don’t know why you’re trying to stir up some panic. Everything is ready.”

“I’m gonna check on the animals,” Kyo said, and went off down the hall to where he could hear dogs yapping and pawing at the door. 

It was cowardly, but he didn’t want to be just standing there when guests started pouring in. It would make him look too much like a host, and he didn’t want anyone to have more reason than they already did to try and speak with him.

He slipped into the room and closed the door behind him, leaning back against it and closing his eyes as the dogs put their paws up on his legs, fighting for his attention. He could hear the faint sounds of the front door opening, a muffled cheer, and then the muted timbres of various people’s voices, distant enough that he couldn’t pick out which one was Die, which one Shinya…

He slid down the door, crouching as he petted the animals that surrounded him. He kept his eyes closed, his head cocked as he listened still to the soft sounds of the burgeoning party. There was no reason for him to hide away in here. The animals had plenty of food and water; Shinya had laid out puppy pads and there was a litterbox in the corner for the cat who was still not showing himself. Visiting the animals couldn’t last as an excuse for very long.

As expected, in no time at all, there were voices drifting down the hallway, audible enough for Kyo to make out the words, “ _Where’s Kyo?_ ”

“ _Hiding somewhere, no doubt…_ ”

“ _Why did he even bother coming?_ ”

Kyo gave the dog on his right a final pat on the head and got to his feet. Taking a steadying breath, he opened the door and came out into the now-empty hallway, following the sounds of music and voices back to the living room. 

Unlike the hallway, it was crowded with people; Die’s bandmates, other friends from the industry. It took a while for Kyo to actually locate Die himself, smiling angelically amidst a group, highball in one hand. Kyo hesitated before making his way over, determined at least to pay his respects.

“Happy birthday, Die,” he said with a small bow, once he was close enough to wedge himself into Die’s surrounding cluster.

Die’s face seemed to do something strange, lighting up and then falling all at once. “Kyo!” He held out an arm, beckoning Kyo in for a half-hug. “I wasn’t sure you’d be here.”

“It's your birthday.” Kyo shrugged. He was uncomfortable knowing the eyes of the people whose conversation he had interrupted were on him, and regretted his decision to come up and speak to Die at this moment.

“There have been plenty of my birthday celebrations that you’ve missed,” Die said. Quickly he added, “And I’ve missed a lot of yours, as well.”

"Sorry I couldn’t make it to your actual performance tonight,” Kyo said. 

Die gave a dismissive kind of snort. “The crowd would have eaten you alive, are you kidding? I’m just glad you’re here now.”

Kyo couldn’t fully understand it. Only an hour ago he had been so excited to see his friend, looking forward to this reunion with him, despite its having been only a short period since they saw each other last—and now he was trying to figure out the fastest and least obstructed route to get away.

It was so different from how he’d imagined it. When Die had been texting him, it had been just the two of them, and so much easier to be himself than it was with all these other people here. He felt like one of Shinya’s little dogs, struggling to keep Die’s attention on himself, and he never enjoyed interactions like that with anyone. He only stayed by Die’s side a few minutes longer before excusing himself and going to find something to drink. 

He found a bottle of water, and Shinya found him.

“There you are! I’ve been looking for you to tell you how good the place looks. Thank you for supervising while I was away.”

Kyo shook his head. “You and Toshiya did most of the work. I really didn’t do… basically anything.”

“That’s not true,” Shinya said. “I had completely forgotten to get music ready, and I can tell this is one of your playlists. Just say ‘you’re welcome’ and leave it at that, won’t you?”

Kyo let out something very near to a laugh. “You’re welcome.”

“That’s more like it,” Shinya said, and looked out across the room as he took a sip from his own drink. Lowering his glass he said, “Now what’s the problem?”

“What problem?”

“Something is upsetting you.”

“Oh, that,” Kyo said. “It’s just. I don’t know. Thinking about the retreat tomorrow, stressing about how we’re going to pull it off…”

“Thinking it’s going to be a bit harder than you imagined once you factor in the performance aspect?”

“How the fuck do you do that?” Kyo asked, not unkindly.

A smile hid itself away at the edge of Shinya’s expression. “I simply observe. And I know that while it might not have seemed so daunting to make a plan and write things down, it’s different when people are going to be watching how you two interact. It’s what I tried to warn you about before.”

“Yeah, and so you’re right.” 

“What exactly are you worried about? You’re not one to put much stock in what others think of you, anyway.”

“Not when it’s just _me_ ,” Kyo agreed. “I mean, I never really like people looking at me, or making a fool of myself, but I can handle it if it’s just _me._ This is about Die, though, and he…” Kyo scowled as he watched Die from across the room. “Who’s gonna buy it? That someone like him would be with someone like me? How am I supposed to not let him down with this?”

Shinya took another sip of his drink before responding. “I think that’s the key. You care for Die. He’s your friend and you don’t want to let him down. Follow that honesty and maybe it won’t be as much of a stretch as you think.”

Kyo only stayed long enough to see the cake brought out (a huge elegant thing, covered in strawberries and brightly-burning candles), then he bid everyone goodnight and took his leave.

The train ride home was eerily quiet, and all Kyo could do was hope that Shinya was right. Die was depending on him, and it was his duty as Die’s friend to make their act believable. If he kept that in mind, maybe it could all work out—and if he was lucky, he could get through it without majorly pissing Die off again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! I've been writing this story again! And enjoying it! Um. This chapter isn't the part I was having fun writing or anything, but it's just a little thing, and I have high hopes that the next update won't be too far in the future! Thanks for stickin' with me!

Die barely spoke to Kyo when they met up at the train station. He was bundled up warmly, wearing one of the biggest pairs of sunglasses Kyo had ever seen on the man, and acting so standoffish that at first Kyo thought he was angry with him. After a while he decided it was more likely that Die was just hungover and didn’t feel like being all that talkative.

Still, as they sat together, both engrossed in their own work even as they sat side by side, Kyo couldn’t imagine how anyone would read them as a couple. He was just starting to wonder if the entire charade was hopeless before it even began when Die suddenly snapped shut the book he was reading next to him and Kyo looked up, startled by the noise.

“Why did you leave so early last night?” Die said, turning to face him.

Kyo felt like he’d missed something. “What?”

“You took off without hardly saying anything.” Die’s fingers caught the ends of a few strands of hair and toyed with them. “I don’t know if you’re pissed about something, but we’ve got to work together this weekend, and we need to be able to talk to each other.”

“I’m… not pissed about anything,” Kyo said, feeling quite honestly confused. “I just don’t like parties.”

“We’re gonna have to go to parties on the retreat,” Die said. “You can’t just take off early and leave me there, or it’s gonna look—”

“I know, okay,” Kyo said. He carefully closed the laptop he’d been working on and set it aside. “I kinda figured the thing didn’t start until today, so I didn’t realize I’d be getting in trouble for stuff I did last night.”

“You’re not in _trouble_ ,” Die said, rolling his eyes. “I just… I’m sorry. I’m stressed about the whole thing. I keep thinking about… It’s easy to think we just have to fool Seiji, but if anyone there has reason to believe we’re not together, and says as much to him—It feels like a mistake and we haven’t even started yet.”

“Believe me, I feel the same way.” At the face Die made, Kyo hurriedly went on, “Meaning only that I’m nervous about how it’s going to go. I’m not backing out. But you know, I think we should try to have fun.”

Die kept fidgeting with his hair.

“We don’t hang out that often, but we’ve been friends for so long… This could be good for us! A bonding experience!” Kyo grimaced as soon as he’d said it. He wasn’t sure what was prompting him to start spouting bullshit, and he wasn’t interested in finding out. “I’m sorry.”

Die let out an amused snort. “Bonding experience?”

“I don’t know,” Kyo said. “I guess I just mean, even if it’s not my scene, spending time with you isn’t the worst thing I can imagine. Maybe we can even get some work on music done.”

“I guess that sounds more like what I’d expect from you,” Die said, laughing.

“I am a creature of habit.” Kyo found himself smiling, his tension eased as it always was once Die started laughing. After a pause he asked, “How long did the party go on after I left?”

“Ha, to be honest, I’m not really sure.”

Kyo raised an eyebrow in question. 

“That is to say, I lost track of time. I may have been drinking more than was altogether wise.”

“No, _you_? Drinking excessively?” Kyo leaned in a little closer. “What, was it a special occasion or something?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Die said, still fighting back a giggle. He shook his head and settled back in his seat with a sigh. There was quiet until he spoke up again, his voice softer now. “You want to know what’s really ridiculous?”

“Hm?”

Die stayed facing forwards, eyes on the back of the seat in front of him. “I’m glad you’re coming with me. Even with how stressed out I am, how much is at stake, how fucking sure I am that we’ll never pull this off—” He turned his face just enough to look at Kyo for a second before letting his eyes close—“It’s nice to know I’m not… alone.” He shrugged, turning away again.

Kyo nodded once. “Then I’m glad I’m going, too.”

The rest of the journey was spent in companionable conversation. Die shared some more stories from his lives with DECAYS. Kyo could recognize within himself a twinge of jealousy as he talked about it, or, he supposed, more _envy_ than jealousy. It was strange to hear Die talk about doing shows without him because Kyo so enjoyed performing. It made him want to be onstage too.

Once their train arrived it was only a short taxi ride from there to the hotel, and Kyo hardly had time to remember that he needed to be switched on. The moment had come, the one he’d been dreading, and as they approached the check-in counter, they saw Seiji there waiting for them, grinning a shark-like grin. Kyo clutched the strap of his duffel bag tighter, and shot a glance towards Die, hoping to pass some kind of signal that they were both ready to begin whatever this was, but Die wasn’t looking back at him, his eyes locked on Seiji, a furrow in his brow.

Seiji spread his arms in welcome, bowing as they came closer. “Right on time!” he said cheerfully. “I hope your travel was pleasant enough?” 

“Uneventful,” Die answered.

Kyo didn’t say anything. He was watching Seiji with narrowed eyes. He remembered him more, seeing him in person, from the time he’d interviewed him a few months ago. He’d thought it then, to a lesser degree of course, that somehow Seiji’s look just rubbed him the wrong way. 

It wasn’t that he looked _bad_ , exactly. He was reasonably good-looking, his brown hair worn a bit long, flipping out away from his face, his eyes bright and friendly, dimples bracketing his smile—that was it, though, Kyo was sure. His _smile_. It seemed simultaneously insincere and completely threatening. Kyo didn’t want to get any closer to someone who smiled like that. 

“Come, follow me,” Seiji said, picking up a manila folder from the check-in counter. “I have your room keys for you, and I’ll show you directly to your quarters.”

“That’s not necessary—”

“ _Please_ , Die, what kind of host would I be if I just sent you on your way?” Seiji said, tossing his hair. “Besides, there are a few items I want to discuss with you both.” He turned and started towards the elevators, and after a shared look of unease, Kyo and Die had no choice but to trail along after him.

Seiji pressed the button to call the elevator and then pulled two papers out of his folder and handed one each to Kyo and Die. “These are your itineraries for the weekend. As you can see, we have a lot going on.” He leaned over Die’s shoulder to point at a couple events. “There were a few changes made since the preliminary plans I emailed you, but this is up to date.”

Kyo could tell Die was already uncomfortable, his shoulders tensed as he tried not to actively lean away from Seiji. “Ah, great. Looks like it’ll be fun,” Die said, without much enthusiasm.

“I sure hope so!” Seiji laughed and squeezed Die’s arm.

Kyo was about to snarl at him, something about keeping his goddamn hands to himself, when the elevator arrived, a whole group of elderly ladies was getting off, and he snapped his mouth shut, stepping aside respectfully to let them pass.

Aboard the elevator, Seiji handed them more papers from his folder. “This is rather important for you both to sign, or you won’t be able to attend the retreat at all.”

Kyo’s heart leapt excitedly at the possibility of an escape—but he supposed it wouldn’t free them from any of Seiji’s threats to malign Die and the rest of the band in the press, and he turned his attention dejectedly to the form he’d been handed instead. 

“As I told you,” Seiji was saying, “ _Very_ strict confidentiality, no photographs, no press, no discussion of anything that takes place on the retreat outside of the charity events. It’s all detailed there, and just sign the bottom line, if you would.” He passed Die a pen. “This is for your safety, of course, but it’s also kind of what makes it _fun_.” 

Kyo was somewhat surprised to see him smiling again, and was struck by just how much his face looked like it had been molded out of plastic, parts of it stretched weirdly to make that horribly wrong smile fit in its place. What kind of lunatic was this man anyway, thinking that paperwork was what made his weekend getaway fun? He shook his head as he took the pen from Die when he finished, and scrawled his name on the form.

“Because you’re able to be yourselves! And believe me, you’re not the only ones here who have such a… situation,” Seiji said, taking the forms back. He glanced at them before nodding and tucking them back into his folder. “It’s actually something I had in mind when I was planning the whole thing!”

_Yeah, sure, blackmail a bunch of people at the same time_ , Kyo thought bitterly. The elevator was still going up, but they were nearing their floor at last.

“So,” Seiji said, “There’s nothing to be afraid of here!” He looked at them expectantly.

Kyo stared back. What did he expect them to do? Start making out in front of him, just because they _could_?

“That’s good to know,” Die said, far more politely than Kyo would have managed. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to put on your disguises just because I’m here,” Seiji insisted. The elevator dinged as the doors opened. “This whole floor is people here for the retreat, so you don’t have to worry about anyone seeing you.”

Die awkwardly dragged his suitcase out of the elevator, and pushed a hand through his hair. “I understand that, but we’re not really big on… public displays of affection, anyway. Habit, as you can imagine.”

Seiji followed him out of the elevator, Kyo just behind. “But that’s exactly my _point_. Here you’re able to be close to each other without _worrying_ about it! You can cast aside those habits that force you to hide who you are!”

On the one hand, Kyo couldn’t believe that Seiji was still arguing about it. He couldn’t imagine what he wanted to see them _do_ , and had to think he must really be some kind of sick pervert, trying to pressure them this way. On the other hand, he thought what Die was saying wasn’t quite fair. It was true enough that they would have to hide physical aspects of a relationship between the two of them from the public, but whenever Kyo dated women, he never felt any shame walking down the street holding hands with them. He wasn’t likely to do much more than that, not wanting to draw attention to himself, but he enjoyed that closeness, and he assumed that _if_ he were dating a man, he would feel the same way.

And so he came to a decision, and even as Die started to argue with Seiji again, he shifted his luggage so that he could grab Die’s free hand, and held it tight.

Die’s words stopped all at once, and he looked down at Kyo in ill-concealed surprise.

Kyo simply shrugged, saying nothing, and Seiji seemed pleased enough to shut up.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Seiji said, reaching into the pocket of his blazer. “Here are your room keys.” He held them out, and Kyo made sure his duffel bag was secure on his shoulder before taking both keys with muttered thanks.

Kyo felt like wasting no more time talking to this unpleasant mannequin of a man, and started down the hall, pulling Die along with him. He barely acknowledged Seiji’s calls after them of, “Goodnight!” and “Breakfast is served until 9:30 tomorrow morning!”

He only dropped Die’s hand when they reached their room and he needed both hands to use the key card and turn the handle. 

As soon as they had pushed into the room Die sighed irritably, brushing past Kyo to put his suitcase up on the dresser. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

Kyo blinked at him, confused. “Shouldn’t have done what?”

Die gestured broadly with his hand. “Let him pressure you! What kind of weekend is this going to be if you just do shit like that ‘cause he makes you feel like you have to?”

“He didn’t make me feel like I had to,” Kyo said. “I thought realistically, I just _would_. Knowing me, as your boyfriend, I would hold your hand.”

Die turned away, busying himself with unzipping his suitcase. “Just because you think you _would_ doesn’t mean you had to, in this situation.”

“Did it bother you?” Kyo asked. He crossed the room, dropped his bag down onto the foot of the one large bed, and sat beside it. “Maybe we should go over some physical boundaries.”

“It didn’t _bother_ me,” Die said sharply. “I just don’t think you should… let him get to you like that.”

“I didn’t see it that way,” Kyo said. He wasn’t sure why Die was making such a big deal out of it. They were supposed to be a couple and he was mad that Kyo had held his hand? “I’m sorry for surprising you with it, though.”

“Whatever,” Die said. “It’s fine.” He took his armful of toiletries into the bathroom without another word, leaving Kyo sitting alone on the bed.

_Well, this is going to be a fun trip_ , Kyo thought sarcastically, leaning back on his hands. He looked around the room. It was actually pretty nice; spacious, with a good-size television, and lamps that were conveniently placed. Kyo was a simple enough man that it more than suited his needs, and the bed seemed comfortable. If it wasn’t for the Plastic Pervert, and Die’s inexplicable moodswings, maybe they really could have had a nice weekend.

As it was, he supposed, they’d just have to muddle through.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope no one forgot that this is a holiday fic! Maybe we'll get to the part where it's actually Christmas by, like, next Christmas, hahaha  
> Anyway, enjoy this chapter please!

Kyo was not so terribly shocked when he awoke the next morning to find Die curled up as far on the other edge of the bed as was physically possible. He’d practically had some kind of fit about it the night before, sputtering how they needed space and there was no way this weekend could be over fast enough.

“This bed is plenty big enough for the both of us,” Kyo had said. “I don’t take up that much space, and anyway, compared to bunks on a tour bus? I’ll take this any day.”

Die had just shaken his head, grumbling, and gone so far to the opposite edge of the bed that Kyo had worried he would fall off. It couldn’t have been comfortable.

Waking up, finding how he hadn’t changed his position, Kyo couldn’t understand it. Was it that Die didn’t want to be close to _him_ specifically? Sure, he got that Die probably didn’t want him to be uncomfortable, but he couldn’t have cared much less about Die being gay; it wasn’t like he thought that automatically meant Die would try to hit on him or anything. After knowing him for this long, there were few people with whom Kyo would be _more_ comfortable sharing a bed.

He tried not to get hung up on the guilty worry that seemed to accompany the thought of Die singling him out as uncomfortable to be around, and went through his morning routine, not concerning himself with Die again until it was nearing nine o’clock, and he realized Die still hadn’t moved from the bed.

“Die,” he said, as he pulled out a sweater from his duffel bag. He looked over, but Die didn’t budge. Had he not set an alarm? They would stop serving breakfast soon, and surely Die would be unhappy if he didn’t eat something.

It was a difficult situation, and Kyo pursed his lips as he considered it. On the one hand, he didn’t want Die to miss breakfast, but on the other hand, he didn’t want to crowd Die, when he’d made it clear that he wanted to retain some amount of personal space. If he disturbed his sleep by getting too close, or by touching him, Die might react badly. Either way, it seemed like Die was likely to start his day in a negative mood, and maybe there was just no avoiding it.

Taking a few steps closer to the bed, Kyo held his sweater at arm’s length and waved it, so it fell lightly against Die’s sleeping form. “Diiiie… Time to wake up…” It had no effect. Kyo stood there shaking his sweater at him for another minute or so before he had the idea to play some music on his phone. He could play it loudly enough that it would wake Die from a distance, and maybe he could even play it off like he’d woken him by accident.

After pausing to actually put the sweater _on_ , Kyo flipped to the music player on his phone and scrolled through his library, settling on a D’erlanger song in hopes of waking Die as peacefully as possible.

He cranked up the volume and hit play before hurrying into the bathroom to start brushing his teeth. Within moments he heard Die groaning and the sounds of him getting out of bed. He poked his head out of the bathroom, toothbrush still in his mouth.

“You’re up!”

“Unfortunately it would look that way,” Die said, rubbing a hand over his face. “What time is it?”

“About nine,” Kyo replied. He ducked back into the bathroom to spit and rinse, and came back out to find Die sitting at the foot of the bed, impressively half-dressed already. “I thought you wouldn’t want to miss breakfast.”

“Thanks,” Die said, and yawned. “God, I don’t feel like I got any sleep at all.”

“Well, that’s not surprising, considering how you were putting so much energy into leaving a full meter of space between us in the bed.”

Die froze for a split second, his button-down dangling from one hand, before looking back at Kyo. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Bullshit,” Kyo said easily. “You were hugging the edge of the bed so hard it’s a wonder you didn’t roll off. That afraid of touching me by accident? Thought I was going to, what, contaminate you or something?” Kyo tried to keep his tone light, as if he were joking, but he still worried that he was letting more of his insecurity show than he should have.

“What? Where did _that_ come from?” Die asked, looking completely baffled.

“Just I don’t know why else you would be making such a big deal out of us sharing a bed,” Kyo said, his words spilling out before he could catch them. “It’s not like we haven’t roomed together god knows how many times over the years. I don’t think staying on your side of the bed is gonna make that much difference if you’re worried about my snoring keeping you up, so, it’s me, right? Something about _me_ that makes you not want to get that close—which, fine, it’s not like I want to be close to you either—” Kyo was aware of how badly he needed to shut up. He wasn’t even sure why he’d said as much as he had already. Taking a breath, he went on, “So, I’ll see if I can get a room somewhere else in the hotel. I’ll still be here so we can make appearances together and everything, but it’ll give you your space.”

Die was just staring at him, his expression too hard to read.

“If Seiji finds out somehow,” Kyo said, “we can tell him, I dunno, something like the truth. We’re not used to cohabitation, and decided we’d like to have our own rooms.”

“That…” Die sighed. “It’s not very believable.”

“But it’s true!”

“If we were a couple?” Die said. He shifted, looking awkwardly away. “We’d want to share a room. So we could… be together.”

Kyo scrunched up his mouth as he caught Die’s meaning. “Ah. Right.”

“I don’t have a problem with your snoring.”

“Oh. No?”

Die shook his head. “And I don’t think I’m gonna catch anything from you. I… apologize for making you feel that way.” He looked down at the shirt still lying forgotten in his lap. “I just don’t want you to feel… I don’t know how I’ll move around in my sleep, you know? I know how much you value your personal space, you don’t like physical contact with basically anyone, and knowing, now… what you know.” Die swallowed, and started to put the shirt on, but it didn’t provide enough distraction for Kyo to miss how uncomfortable he was. “Not that I _think_ I’m gonna do anything to upset you—”

“No, of course, I don’t think you would—”

“—I just don’t want you to feel—”

“—and I don’t! I’m fine with it!”

“Really?”

“Did you see _me_ moving all the way to one edge of the bed like that?” Kyo said. “I honestly have no problem with it. I know you well enough that I don’t even mind some physical contact. I’d rather it was you than most other people. I trust you.”

Die looked at him for another few seconds before nodding and returning his attention to the buttons of his shirt. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Just don’t worry about it so much. If there’s anything I’m not okay with, I’ll speak up before it happens, yeah?” Kyo checked the time and grimaced. “Breakfast closes in fifteen minutes. We might want to hurry if you want to at least grab something.”

Die finished dressing and brushed his teeth in record time, and the two of them headed out to the elevator. As they rode down to the restaurant level, Kyo brought up another issue.

“So we’re clear, you’re against me holding your hand at all?”

Die looked startled by the question. “Wh—Why, do you really… _want_ to hold it or something?”

Kyo shrugged. “I think it would feel natural a lot of the time. I won’t do it if you don’t want me to, though, obviously.”

“It’s not—” Die cut himself off with a small frustrated noise. He looked down at his hand, curled it into a fist and stretched it out again. Then he held it out to Kyo. “It’s fine. If you really feel inclined, I’ll try not to act too surprised.”

Kyo took the offered hand with a half-smile. “Thanks, babe.”

“Now _that_ I’m gonna have to veto,” Die said.

Kyo laughed, linking Die’s fingers with his. It felt different from what he was used to; Die’s hands were not remotely feminine. On the contrary, Die’s hand made his own feel small, slender and delicate in a way that was disorienting—but he didn’t really mind it.

The second the elevator doors slid open Die yanked his hand away again, but he must have caught the look on Kyo’s face because he said quickly, in hushed tones, “The restaurant will be open to anyone in the hotel, not just people who have signed Seiji’s documents. This isn’t our audience.”

Kyo looked at the entrance to the restaurant and nodded slowly. Die was right, of course. This wasn’t part of their performance. He did his best to keep that in mind as he followed Die in to where breakfast was laid out, and to ignore the surprising sting he felt from having Die pull away from him like that.

Everything was pretty picked over, what with them having arrived so late. Kyo hardly paid any attention to the food, and made a beeline for the coffee instead. He was stirring in sweetener when his phone vibrated and he took it out to find a text from Shinya.

_I probably shouldn’t bother myself with worrying, but I haven’t heard anything. You guys made it there okay?_

Kyo was sort of touched by Shinya’s concern. He messaged back, _We got here fine. No disasters so far._

After he hit send, he frowned. It wasn’t a _disaster_ so to speak, but he wondered if he should mention Die’s moodiness? There wasn’t much Shinya could do about it from so far away, but he often understood things that Kyo didn’t. Maybe he could shed some light on the way Die had been acting…

_And are you remembering to be mindful, like we talked about?_ Shinya said then.

_I’ve been trying,_ Kyo replied truthfully. _I don’t always get what Die’s upset about. He made this big fuss about sharing a bed. He said it’s not an issue with me specifically, but I can’t shake the feeling that I must have done something._

_Done something like what?_

_Something to make him not trust me? I don’t know what. I wish I did._

There was a longer pause before Shinya’s next message came in: _I don’t think that’s the problem._

_Easy for you to say. He actually told you he was gay._ Kyo was surprised that it had come out like that. Wasn’t he supposed to be over that by now? Still, it all circled back round to the same thoughts. Die couldn’t trust Kyo, he didn’t consider him important enough to share things with, to be honest with. It was Kyo’s fault.

_Didn’t he tell you, too?_

_Not intentionally. It just kind of… came up. If I was a better friend, I would have known._

_That’s not how these things work._

Kyo was still thinking of what to say when Shinya texted again, _Are you sure you’re not the one with the trust issue? You feel betrayed that he hid something like that from you?_

_Absolutely not_ , Kyo sent back without hesitation. He added _, It’s his right to decide who he trusts enough to share that with. The problem is with me if he didn’t see me as trustworthy._

_It’s not necessarily a problem with you, either._

Kyo shook his head at the words. _Then why does he put so much distance between us? Die’s one of the most touchy-feely people I know, but he acts like he can’t stand being within arm’s reach of me._

_I’m sure he’s just trying to respect your comfort zones._

_I trust Die._

_I believe you._

“Where’s your breakfast?” 

Die’s voice had Kyo looking up from his phone. He shoved it hastily into his pocket, and held up his coffee cup.

“That’s not food,” Die said. “They’re putting everything away.”

Kyo shrugged. “I never feel much like eating before I have to give a performance.”

“You can’t just not eat anything for four days, Kyo,” Die said. He looked down at his own plate of food, and picked up a miniature croissant. Before Kyo could stop him, he was shoving the small pastry into Kyo’s mouth. “There. At least you won’t have to go through the whole morning on an empty stomach.”

Kyo bit into the croissant, and pulled the other half away from his mouth as he chewed. “You need the energy more than I do. You didn’t sleep well.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re welcome.”

“There’s chocolate in here,” Kyo said, holding up his uneaten half of the croissant. He pushed it towards Die’s face. “You sure you don’t want half?”

Die turned away, laughing. “I’m sure, oh my god, stop.” He turned back to Kyo, still smiling. “I know it’s chocolate, that’s why I gave it to you.”

Kyo didn’t know what to say to that, and finished eating his croissant in silence.

* * *

 

“Psst. _Kyo,_ ” Die hissed, elbowing him in the side. “Do you _see_ who’s over there??”

“Hm?” Kyo glanced in the direction Die was indicating. To his admitted surprise, he saw a rather prominent female artist in the industry—one with whom he had even hoped to collaborate in the past, though he’d been turned down—in what certainly looked to be lesbian embrace with another woman he didn’t recognize. Rather than shocked, he found he felt something warm and happy for them, glad they could be free to be at ease with each other here. “Guess Seiji really did round up a bunch of people for this…”

“That’s at least the _fourth_ gay couple I’ve seen,” Die said. 

“Not counting us?”

Die snorted. “No, _actual_ gay couples.”

“You never know. Some of them could be fake, too,” Kyo said. He pulled another cardboard box towards himself, and started digging through it, sorting out the contents. 

“I doubt any sane person would put themself through this, so I’m thinking we’re probably the only fake couple here,” Die muttered.

There was no reason why Kyo should have taken offense at such a statement, and yet it made him feel irrationally defensive. Rather than argue he just said, “I guess so,” and focused on his task. “I think this… is pants?” He held up the clothing item he’d just pulled from the box in front of him.

Die looked over and grimaced. “I guess you could call them that.” He took them from Kyo, folding them and placing them in the box with other pants.

For the past three hours they had been working at this. The charity event for the day was a clothing drive, and Kyo had flat-out refused to work at one of the front tables where he would have to interact with the most people, meaning they’d ended up in the back, sorting and organizing all the donations received. Kyo had already lost count of how many fully organized boxes of clothing they’d finished packing, which he took to mean it was a successful event.

After a few minutes of working from their individual heaps of donations, Kyo spoke up again, “Where do you suppose he found them all?”

“The clothes?”

“No,” Kyo said, “the couples.” When Die didn’t respond, he elaborated, “I just mean, I’ve been in this business for all this time, but most of the people here, I had no idea were anything but straight. How does he know so _many_?”

Die shrugged. “You find it’s kind of like that, if you actually belong to the LGBT community. Everyone knows everyone else. It’s not that surprising to me that he would make those connections, or that he would try to think of a way to bring everyone together without calling it a Big Gay Retreat or something outright.”

“I guess you must know a lot of people I don’t.”

“Maybe. You know a lot of people I don’t, though, too.”

“Makes you wonder.”

“Does it?” Die glanced up from the box he was rifling through in search of the mate to the shoe in his hand.

“So many people have something they’re hiding,” Kyo said, nudging a small spider off the sleeve of the shirt he was folding. “Even if it’s not something like their sexuality, I guess everyone has stuff they’d rather keep private.”

“Sure,” Die said. “I thought you were gonna say it makes you wonder why some of the people we _know_ are gay aren’t here.”

Kyo looked at him and frowned. “Wait, like who?”

Die raised his eyebrows.

“Who??”

“Well, if you don’t know, I’m certainly not going to tell you.”

Kyo’s mouth dropped open. “Die! That—!” His indignant gesturing sent the box he had balanced tumbling over, spilling second-hand clothing all over the floor. Scrambling to pick it up, he sputtered at Die, “That’s really unfair, you know.”

Die was just laughing, making no move to help Kyo gather up everything he’d knocked over, but when his laughter cut off abruptly, Kyo jerked his head up to see why.

The answer was of course found in the form of Seiji, leaning against a table, watching them with that ill-fitting grin on his face. 

“Hope you guys aren’t jokin’ around so much you’re not gettin’ anything done!” he said. Die looked ready to fight, but before he could say anything, Seiji was waving a hand, “Please! I kid, I kid! I can see how much we’ve already got sorted, and wow. It seriously warms my heart. We’re really making a difference here.”

Kyo hated that Seiji could actually make him feel resentful about doing charity work. He wanted to snap something about how they weren’t doing it to _warm his heart_ , they were doing it to keep _families_ warm who struggled to afford proper clothing after losing everything in the earthquake—but he just growled and finished putting the fallen donations back into their box.

“Anyway, I just wanted to come by, touch base,” Seiji said. “Brought you guys some lunch.” He bent to pick up two bentos and two bottles of water from a little wagon he was dragging behind him, and set them on the table. “I know you’ve been workin’ hard, so take a break whenever, rest, get some food in you!” He moved like he was about to leave, but then stopped, turned back to them. “Oh, and the party tonight—you’re both coming, right?”

Kyo had nearly forgotten that they were expected to go to the nightly parties. He was kind of impressed by his own level of disinterest in attending.

“Please, say you are,” Seiji said, pouting in a distinctly unappealing way. “I _promise_ it’s gonna be fun, and I _know_ Die wants to come have a drink with us!”

Kyo looked over at Die and realized that was probably true. No matter how awful the party sounded to _him_ , Die enjoyed going out drinking and socializing—and he’d as much as said that a number of these people were his friends. And if _Die_ was going, Kyo pretty much _had_ to go, in order to keep an eye on things and make sure Seiji didn’t try anything.

“Of course,” Kyo said tightly. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

Seiji clasped his hands together, delighted. “Excellent! It is an Ugly Sweater Party, don’t forget! There will be prizes, so don’t be afraid to go big!”

They both nodded, thanked him for lunch and watched him continue on his way, bringing his wagon to the next couple of volunteers.

“We don’t have to go,” Die said, as soon as he was out of earshot.

“I just told him we’d be there,” Kyo said.

“But I know you don’t want to—”

“Of course I don’t _want_ to,” Kyo said, rolling his eyes, “but I think we’re a ways past that. I don’t _want_ to ever look at that guy’s creepy, third-grade art project face again, but here we are.”

Die lifted a hand to cover his laugh. “‘Third-grade—’? That’s harsh.”

Kyo shrugged one shoulder. “He’s a douche; I feel no remorse.”

Die reached for the bentos. “Feel up for eating something?”

Kyo’s stomach answered for him, gurgling audibly, and he held out his hand to take one of the packaged lunches from Die.

They didn’t talk as they ate, sitting up on top of the tables, until Kyo noticed that Die was kind of picking around at his food more than he was eating it.

“What’s wrong?”

Die shook his head. “Nothing.”

Kyo peered over at Die’s lunch. “Did that bastard give you fish?” He couldn’t offer to trade; their meals were the same, but he snatched Die’s out of his hand anyway.

“Hey!”

Kyo held up a finger, and went about rearranging the food from the two bentos, moving the things he knew Die didn’t like onto his own, replacing them with sides from his plate that Die would be willing to eat. He handed Die his redistributed lunch a minute later, and Die just stared blankly at it.

“Still no good?” Kyo asked.

“No, it’s. Thank you.”

Kyo smiled, nodded once, and went back to eating.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Die said quietly.

“I know,” Kyo said. “Consider it me paying you back for sharing your breakfast with me this morning.”

Die scoffed, but he didn’t argue, and they finished the rest of their meal without conversation.

* * *

 

“I don’t understand what an _Ugly Sweater Party_ even _is_ ,” Kyo said, flopping back on the bed in the hotel room.

“Pretty much what it sounds like,” Die said, pawing through the dresser drawer that he’d emptied his suitcase into.

It was only twenty minutes until they were supposed to be at the party, and Kyo had not mustered up any enthusiasm for the evening. 

“What’s fun about wearing ugly sweaters?” Kyo asked. “I don’t think I even own any ugly sweaters.”

Die gave him a look which seemed to suggest he disagreed, and turned back to his drawer.

“It’s just not much of a theme for a party,” Kyo said. He ran a hand through his hair, mussing it up slightly. “Can’t I just wear whatever I want?”

“Of course you can,” Die said. “It’s probably what everyone would expect from you anyway, if they thought you’d go to the party at all.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Die sighed. “You know what I mean, Kyo. It’s not your scene; you said so yourself.”

“You act like everyone has these predictions for what I will or won’t do,” Kyo said, his eyebrows knit together. He propped himself up on his elbows to see Die better. “Do people… Do you talk about me? With other people?”

There was a pause, Die’s movement stopping. He glanced over his shoulder at Kyo. “Occasionally. Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m not worried,” Kyo lied. “I don’t care if people talk about me.”

“Obviously.”

“I mean, yeah, like we were saying the other day—you weren’t there, but Toshiya and Kaoru and I were talking about it.” He fell flat against the bed again. “People are gonna talk anyway, so why should I care what they say.”

“You shouldn’t,” Die said. “But I do have an extra sweater, if you want to borrow it.”

Kyo sat up. “Really?”

Die tossed it on the bed. “ _Ugly Sweater Party_ was on the itinerary from the beginning. I came prepared.” He pulled another sweater out, grinning at it, though Kyo couldn’t see the design on the front. “The contest aspect of it appeals to my competitive nature.”

“I didn’t realize you were so competitive.”

“Don’t you kind of have to be, to make it in the show business world?” 

Kyo shrugged and stripped out of the plain cable-knit sweater he was already wearing. “I don’t think of myself as trying to be _better_ than anyone else. Just different.”

“Which you would be anyway, because you’re you.”

“It’s harder to be like other people than to be different,” Kyo said. He pulled the sweater Die had thrown on the bed closer and looked at it. “Where the fuck did you get this god-awful thing?” It was a sight to behold, fire engine red with gold thread knit into it here and there making it shimmer. It had somewhat malformed pine trees unevenly scattered across the background, and over that a design of strings of traditional, brightly-colored Christmas lights, which protruded in an awkward three-dimensional manner from the fabric of the sweater itself.

“Thrift store,” Die answered. “Glorious, isn’t it?”

Kyo couldn’t really deny that. The more he stared at it the more he hated it—and loved it. He tugged it on and found the sleeves were rather comically too long for him, which seemed appropriate. He let out a snort of laughter and wiggled his way off the bed to go look at himself in the mirror. It looked even worse than he imagined. “This is ridiculous.”

“And that,” Die said, “would be what makes it a fun theme for a party.”

Kyo turned to look at him, and found he’d put his own sweater on. It was, if possible, uglier than the one he’d given Kyo, an almost embarrassingly deep V-neck, the pattern all zigzags but with a highly unattractive reindeer appliqué stuck crookedly on the front. Underneath were some words in English, and Kyo squinted, trying to translate them.

“It says, ‘Be My Mistle-ho,’” Die said. At Kyo’s expression, he explained the pun, and Kyo wrinkled his nose.

“That doesn’t even make _sense_!”

“Nope,” Die said gleefully. “But it makes for quite a horrendous sweater.”

In a strange way though, Kyo thought the sweater didn’t exactly look _bad_ on Die. Maybe that was just his nature—he was so inherently glamorous, he could look good in anything. “Was that one a thrift store find, as well?”

“It was,” Die said. “I saw it one day, and almost died laughing in the store, but I didn’t buy it.”

“What!”

“It seemed too over-the-top, I couldn’t imagine when I would want it!” Die said, picking his phone up from the dresser, and sliding it into his pocket. “But I was kicking myself for the next week, just drowning in this _regret_ that I hadn’t gotten it when I had the chance.”

Kyo checked his pocket for his own phone, and moved to put on his shoes. “So you went back?”

“And I was so sure that it would be gone, that someone else would have seen the treasure that I had foolishly left behind.” Die got his shoes on and waited for Kyo to be ready before pulling the room key out of the lightswitch and opening the door. “But it had been moved to a discount rack in the back. The store didn’t think they’d ever get rid of it, thought it was some cursed object—apparently when I found it, it had already been there over a _year._ ”

“It was just waiting for you to come along,” Kyo said, walking alongside Die to the elevator bank.

“Right? Fate.”

“It suits you.”

“Shut up!” Die said, laughing. The elevator opened, revealing a handful of people riding down from a higher floor, and as they boarded, Die muttered, “Asshole,” under his breath, making Kyo chuckle.

The hotel lobby was decorated a bit gaudily for the approaching holiday. Kyo hadn’t taken much time to notice it the night before, but passing through it now on the way to the banquet room where the party was being held, he paused to take out his phone and snap a shot of the ten-meter tree, all done up with lights and weighed down with ornaments.

“We match,” he told Die, jerking his thumb at the tree and looking down at his sweater.

Die cocked his head. “Hmm. Tree’s a smidge taller.”

Kyo just flipped him off and pushed past him towards the double doors of the banquet room. Once he reached them, he held the door open for Die to go in first, and was surprised as he followed after him to realize that he was in a pretty decent mood. Sure, he figured that wouldn’t be the case by the end of the evening, but it was worth recognizing even for the moment. As soon as the door closed behind them, he took hold of Die’s hand, and instead of looking surprised or uncomfortable, Die just smiled down at him, and squeezed his hand back.

For the first time this trip, it really feel like they could face whatever was to come, because they’d be facing it together.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, I'm a monster who doesn't get things done on time. This past month has been rough, not gonna lie, but I'm hopeful that various areas of my life are looking up. I hope the same goes for you.  
> I'm not sure when the next update will be and I won't promise anything, but I hope it's soon because I know this chapter ends in a somewhat awkward spot. Lovelovelove thanks for all your comments and everything, I appreciate every one of you.

Kyo took several long, groggy moments to wake up. He still couldn’t bring himself to pry his eyes open, instead trying to burrow into the warmth surrounding him, all fluffy hotel pillows, and soft comforter, and something… else. Something even warmer.

Frowning, Kyo cracked one eye open and found that his arms were thrown haphazardly around a sleeping Die, who had apparently wandered from his position so determinedly at the far edge of the bed.

Kyo was about to move, but one of his arms was actually _under_ Die, and he didn’t want to throw him off. Besides, he didn’t look like he _minded_. 

In fact, Die looked utterly, serenely _comfortable_. Kyo tilted his head, peering at him with both eyes open now. Die looked different like this. Soft and vulnerable, so at peace with himself and with everything around him.

_Beautiful_ , Kyo thought.

Then he noticed he’d thought that, and shook it out of his head. Where had that come from?

He started trying to shift away, but to his surprise, Die nestled closer into his embrace, resisting the removal of his human blanket. Kyo couldn’t help but wonder whose arms Die was imagining around him. Surely, if he knew it was Kyo’s embrace in which he was enveloped, he would be eager to shove him away, but whoever it was in his dreams, he didn’t seem to mind being held by them at all.

Somehow, Kyo didn’t want to disturb him. He didn’t want to break whatever this fragile peace was that Die was enjoying. It was all too clear that he didn’t get to experience it as often as he deserved, and Kyo was loath to take it away from him.

He decided he would just give it a few more minutes, and lay back down, not worrying too much about how he let his arm drape across Die’s torso, as he went over the events of the previous night in his mind. How was it that Die had ended up so much looser than their first night here, not staying as far from Kyo as possible, even at his own expense?

It wasn’t that Die had been drinking a lot. Sure, there had been booze at the party, but Kyo was sure it was nothing compared to what Die was used to. So maybe it was just that he and Kyo honestly were bonding? He wasn’t as uncomfortable rooming with him?

Kyo could admit that even he felt they were closer after last night. All in all, it hadn’t been the _worst_ party he’d ever attended. He and Die had almost made a game of it, one of them always trying to keep an eye on Seiji wherever he was floating around, making sure they moved in the opposite direction if they saw him trying to approach. It had resulted in their physically bumping into more people than he kept count of, and a good number of beverages met their sad end on the hotel carpet, but what had been most unusual was how much Kyo had _laughed_. 

It had been ridiculous, and they probably should have been behaving more responsibly, especially as senpai to so many of the other attendees, but being with Die had made it kind of _fun_ , and Kyo wasn’t at all accustomed to laughing that much.

There had been one point after a very near miss escaping Seiji’s approach, and an even nearer collision with a server carrying a tray full of glasses, where they had ducked behind one of the many round tables, covered in a purple tablecloth, and crouched there for a full five minutes, trying to catch their breath. Earlier in the evening, Die had hit on an all too passable impression of Seiji and his robotic smile, and didn’t seem likely now to forget just how easily it made Kyo lose his shit.

“ _Stop_ ,” Kyo said, waving a helpless sweater paw at him, “Goddamn you, let me breathe.” He had a legitimate stitch in his side from laughing so hard.

“ _Please!_ What’s the problem, Kyo?” Die said in a mockery of Seiji’s upbeat tone. “You’re not having just _so much fun_? My smile doesn’t just _warm your heart_?”

“Ohh my goddd.” Kyo covered his face with his hands then. “You know what, though, what he reminds me of?”

“What?”

“Like you ever see those abandoned freaky-ass carnivals?” Kyo said, wiping tears from his eyes. “They’re all run-down and fucked-up, and there are some low-budget animatronic fuckers still lurking around… You know they don’t actually work, but you’re still scared they’re gonna come to life and just…” He raised his hand in a stabbing motion. “He looks like one of those.”

“You really hate him, don’t you?” Die said, stifling his own laughter.

“I think he’s sick,” Kyo said with a shrug, tired from running and laughing so much. “I guess I’d hate anyone who was coming after you like that though. I mean, where does he get off?”

There had been a pause then, until Die went back to doing his Seiji voice, “Pleeease, Kyo, you big kidder, you know you love him!”

Kyo had, very reasonably, shoved him to the floor.

There was a buzz that might have come from either of their phones, and Kyo lifted his head enough to see the clock on the nightstand. It wasn’t late, but he knew he really should get up soon if he wanted a chance to shower before they started on the day’s scheduled events. Delicately, he tried to remove himself from the bed without waking Die. He only just managed it, and snatched up his phone from where he’d left it charging (on top of the dresser, right next to the box of truffles Die had won last night as his prize for Ugliest Sweater) on his way to pull out his clothes.

Sure enough he had a notification of a new email from Takumi. He made a face. He’d thought he might have a chance to get work done on this trip, and so far he’d been totally neglecting his sukekiyo duties. He shot off a quick reply to Takumi, trying to be as work-minded as possible, even though it was surprisingly hard to focus on something that seemed so far away. 

He dug out his clothes for the day, and let his gaze fall once more on Die where he slept. He looked so alone in the bed now, a wrinkle in his brow that hadn’t been there before, and Kyo wanted to just reach over and smooth it out. Shaking his head, Kyo carried his toiletries into the bathroom and set to work starting his day.

 

* * *

 

 

Kyo was as quiet as possible as he slipped back into the hotel room, in an effort to not wake Die, but once he took a few steps inside, he found that Die was already sitting at the foot of the bed with hair still damp from his shower, reading something on his phone.

“Good morning!” Kyo said, surprised but not displeased to see Die up and dressed already.

“Hey!” There was a soft smile on Die’s face as he looked at Kyo. “I was about to text you.”

“I just went to grab us breakfast,” Kyo said, holding up the food he’d managed to sneak out of the hotel restaurant. “I know yesterday we were running late, so I went ahead and brought the food to you this time.”

“That’s… surprisingly thoughtful of you,” Die said.

“This way the selection was less picked over,” Kyo said. He crossed to the bed and handed Die the plate he’d made for him. “And you don’t have to worry about being seen by people outside the retreat.”

“I appreciate it,” Die said, looking down at the plate. “This is what you always do, huh? Sit up in your room with your food instead of hanging around the rest of us?”

“I value any semblance of alone time when we’re on tour,” Kyo said.

“I can understand that,” Die said. “Could’ve just ordered room service, you know.”

Kyo waved him off. “Quit looking for something to complain about and eat your sausage.”

Die’s mouth twitched at the corner. He shifted around on the bed, said a quiet, “Itadakimasu,” and started to eat.

Kyo set down his own plate on the bed. “I didn’t think you’d be awake, so I was figuring I’d go get us drinks from the vending machine. What would you like?”

“Just coffee, whatever they have,” Die said.

“Hot, cold?”

“Hot, preferably.”

Kyo nodded and went back out of the room. He didn’t have to go far down the hall before he came to a vending machine in its little nook off to the side. Just as he was putting his money in the slot, he heard someone passing by, and spotted a couple of women on their way to the elevator, one with shorter hair, wearing a striking red skirt; the other with a long braid, and slightly tinted glasses.

He recognized them vaguely, though he couldn’t have put a name to either of them, but they quite obviously recognized him by how they were looking, and then whispering to each other.

Kyo scowled, returning his attention to the vending machine. The truth was that he minded people talking about him a little bit more than he had claimed when he and Die discussed the matter the night before. One the one hand, he did know that people would say whatever they wanted, that it didn’t matter much. In cases like this, he felt a bit differently about it. These were people in the same field as him, at the same retreat, and they would rather whisper behind his back than say something directly to his face? That rubbed him the wrong way.

And more than that, he was concerned with what Die had said, that he did _occasionally_ talk about him to other people. It was natural, he supposed, but what was Die saying about him? In general, Kyo figured that when people walked by like that, clearly discussing him without letting him in on it, they had to be saying something bad. Were those the conversations that Die was part of? Did Die defend Kyo, or agree with the gossip?

It was a pointless thing to dwell on, and Kyo did his best to push it from his mind, as he felt he was doing with more and more of his thoughts lately. There were just too many with which he didn’t feel equipped to deal properly, and he found himself wanting to just switch them all off long enough to get some rest.

He returned to the room with his and Die’s drinks, and left his shoes by the door before coming to sit on the bed.

Die was typing something on his phone, but looked up and thanked him for the coffee.

“Whatcha writin’?” Kyo asked, some leftover paranoia making him wonder if it was something about him.

“Working on my daily entry for the mobile site. I didn’t post one for yesterday.”

“Oh, wow,” Kyo said. “Are you… writing about being here?”

Die shook his head. “I’m reflecting, comparing what I’m doing this holiday season to what I was up to years ago.”

“You’re so diligent about that stuff.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your dailies,” Kyo said, picking up a banana from his plate. “They’re actually daily. I’m so lazy, I hardly ever post updates.”

Die frowned. “Just because that’s how I do it doesn’t mean that’s how you have to do it. I know you write things all the time; you don’t have to post them every single day.”

“I guess I just don’t like being tied to a strict posting schedule like that.”

“Ah, yeah,” Die said. He typed a couple more things and set his phone aside. “I need the routine. If it’s not regular I can’t stick to it at all, but it helps me to know what needs to be done and when it needs to be done by.”

“That makes sense,” Kyo said. He didn’t think he could manage that way, needed the freedom to change his mind and let things happen organically, but he understood the appeal of things being well-organized, too. “That reminds me,” he said around a mouthful of banana, “what’s the charity thing for today? More donations?”

“Not today,” Die said. He opened his coffee and took a sip. “Today is photo shoots and interviews.”

“Huh? I didn’t know that was part of it.”

“It’s kind of the ‘payoff’ for the artists involved,” Die said. “We get the publicity, photos and interviews playing up how decent we are, participating in a cause like this, and maybe we get a chance to plug any other causes we’re involved with, too.”

Kyo wasn’t pleased at all. He didn’t like having things like that thrown at him without a chance to prepare for them. “It’s gonna take forever for them to do those for everyone here.”

“They’ll probably all be pretty short,” Die said. “And everyone is doing one or the other, photo shoot or interview, not both.”

“Dibs on photo shoot,” Kyo said. “I’m assuming Seiji’s taking it upon himself to do the interviews and thanks but no thanks.”

Die laughed briefly. “Yeah, really.”

“Maybe we could do the photo shoot together,” Kyo suggested. “It would take less time, and that could be…” He shrugged, rather than let his sentence finish the way it was going, with the word _fun_. 

Die raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? You’d want to do a shoot with me, instead of solo? Don’t you think I’d cramp your style?”

“No, I’ve never thought that,” Kyo said, frowning.

“I guess because you just ignore anyone who’s in the photo with you.”

Kyo stared at Die for several seconds, lost for words. Was that what Die thought of him? That he would rather work alone, that he had total disregard for anyone sharing his photo shoots? He ran mentally over group shoots he’d done in recent years and realized with some dismay that of course it would seem that way to Die. There was rarely any interaction whatsoever between him and a counterpart.

But that was just how those things worked out. That was the direction they were given, to work with the camera, not with each other.

At length, Kyo’s unhelpful response was, “It’s not like you spend the photo shoots getting real snuggly with the rest of the band either. You usually just look like you can’t wait to get away from the rest of us.”

“Excuse me?”

“You know that look you have,” Kyo said, despite knowing he should stop talking. “Like you’re embarrassed to be seen with us freaks, and you can’t believe you have to pose alongside us.”

Die’s jaw worked back and forth. “If that’s how you feel, then I guess you wouldn’t _want_ to do a shoot with me, would you.”

“It’s not about how I _feel_ ,” Kyo said. “I’m just telling you how you look.”

“Right,” Die said shortly. “Well. Luckily they probably want us solo anyway. I’m gonna go get ready.” He stood up and went into the bathroom. He didn’t slam the door behind him, but it was a near thing.

_Dammit_ , Kyo thought, pushing a hand back through his hair. Things had been going so well, and he had to go and say some stupid thing to piss Die off again. It wasn’t like he didn’t know that Die had a temper, so why couldn’t he just be more careful how his words came out of his big mouth?

He really hadn't been trying to offend him. On some level he thought Die should have been able to just laugh it off, if that wasn’t really how he felt. Then again maybe he’d struck a nerve. Maybe Die really _didn’t_ like being in photo shoots with Kyo, and felt more attacked because what Kyo had said was true.

It didn’t matter anyway, since Die was probably right that they wouldn’t let them do the shoot together; what was more important now was that Kyo properly apologize when Die came out of the bathroom. They had been getting along so well, he really hadn’t meant to make such a mess of things.

But when Die came out of the bathroom, he didn’t really give Kyo a chance to say much of anything. He hardly looked at him as he went around the room picking up what he needed and then he headed for the door, not seeming like he cared one way or the other if Kyo followed him.

_Great_ , Kyo thought, _now we’re back to this_. What about the progress they had made? The companionable evening they’d spent at what could have been a dreadful party the night before? And then this morning, waking up, he’d felt like they’d grown closer…

“Die, can you slow down for a few _seconds_?” Kyo hissed, trying to keep up with him as they headed for the elevator. He wasn’t going to let Die avoid talking to him. They had too much at stake to not be working together. “Hey! I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean… for what I said to come out the way it did.”

“It’s fine,” Die said, not looking at him as he boarded the elevator.

“It’s obviously not fine, look how you’re acting!” Kyo tried not to let himself get carried away, to react in anger. He knew he was more than capable of turning arguments very ugly, and with how _unreasonable_ Die was being, it was difficult to keep his own head level, but he couldn’t control Die, he could only control how he responded to him, and he tried to stay focused on that. “I don’t know why you always want to make things into bigger issues than they need to be. I said something stupid, I’m apologizing. Can’t we just move on?”

“Which of us isn’t moving on?” Die snapped. “You’re the one still talking about it.”

“Storing it away to brood on and throw back in my face later doesn’t count as moving on,” Kyo shot back. He’d hardly noticed the elevator ride and already they were getting off again, walking towards the same area of the hotel where donations had been set up the day before, now sectioned off into dressing rooms and makeup stations.

“What are you even talking about?” Die said, and whatever cool front he had been trying to put up was cracking, letting real, visceral anger peek through. “When have I ever thrown anything in your face?”

“You never just tell me what your problem is in the moment,” Kyo said, trying to keep his voice low as he was becoming aware that they were attracting the attention of other retreat participants. “You just bottle things up, and I never have any idea you’re pissed at me until it’s too late for me to do anything about it!”

“ _You_ don’t—” Die cut himself off abruptly. He looked around, saw just how public their little argument had gotten, and glared back at Kyo, his teeth bared. “I don’t even care about what you said, okay? It doesn’t make any fucking difference to me. Just drop it.” And with that he was turning on his heel, sweeping off, all majestic hair and billowing coat. 

Kyo was left standing there, feeling awkward and small, with far too many eyes on him.

“Lovers’ quarrel?” 

Kyo turned to find, to his surprise, one of the women he’d recognized in the hall earlier that morning, the one in the red skirt, though she was on her own now, sitting in a nearby makeup chair, curling her hair.

He shrugged uneasily, but took a couple steps towards her, just so any further conversation could be kept more private.

“He’ll calm down,” she said confidently. “Just give him some time. I’m Yuko, by the way.”

Kyo almost felt guilty, having apparently deceived this woman into really thinking they were a couple, but at the same time, something about her calm, neutral demeanor was comforting, and he found himself trusting her.

“Pleasure to meet you,” he said. Then, without meaning to, “He just blows up over the smallest, stupidest things.” Kyo leaned against the makeup counter, scooting aside a few papers lying there. “I’ll think everything’s fine, and then out of nowhere, he’s pissed off again. And it seems like it’s always something I did, something I said…”

Yuko shook her head. “It’s just the stress of being here. My girl’s the same way.” She let a lock of expertly curled hair free to rest in its proper place and moved on to the next section. “Sure, a retreat like this is fun, and we’re all hyped up about letting loose, but… it’s a tough thing, too. It’s not what we’re used to, and there’s always going to be something lurking in the back of our heads, wondering when the other shoe will drop.”

Kyo’s mouth twisted up thoughtfully. He hadn’t really thought about that aspect of it very much. He’d been so focused on everything to do with Seiji and making their relationship believable that he hadn’t spent as much time considering the underlying fear Die might have of being outed at any moment.

“Not everyone sees it that way,” Yuko said then, reassuringly. “I don’t think about it as much as she does. But I’ve always been… more comfortable in my own skin, in a way. For her, though, there is that added stress. And it can put a strain on things.” She smiled. “After a decade-long partnership, we can handle it.”

“You’ve been together that long?” Kyo asked. He couldn’t imagine _hiding_ a relationship for so many years, how it would mess with you psychologically, how incredibly _depressing_ it had to be.

“Eleven years in the spring.” Whatever psychological toll it took, it didn’t seem to outweigh the happiness Yuko felt about her and her partner being together. “And you two?”

Kyo opened his mouth, and hesitated. It felt wrong to lie when she was being so kind to him, but that was the whole point of him being here. “Just over two years. But we’ve known each other… half our lives.”

She nodded, understandingly. “And yet, you learn something new about him every day.”

“I guess I do.”

“I can see that you’re worried,” she said, moving on to another piece of hair again. “I don’t think you need to be. I’ve been in this entertainment industry and this community long enough to have some wisdom about these things.”

“Well, I beg your pardon,” Kyo said a bit dubiously, “But I’m pretty sure I’m older than you.”

“Perhaps,” she allowed. “But I can tell without asking that this is your first event populated so largely by members of the LGBT community.”

He couldn’t argue with that.

“You two are in love,” she said, smiling once more. “That’s easy to see, spot it a mile away.”

Kyo didn’t know how to respond to that. He supposed he should be glad that they were so convincing.

“I’m not sure there was another couple having half so much fun at the party as you were last night,” Yuko went on. “And it sure as hell wasn’t the party itself making you guys happy. It was just the two of you, together. That’s what’s really nice about a retreat like this. I bet you guys don’t get to enjoy each other’s company at a party like that very often.”

It was starting to feel more difficult to hear her, like her words were coming through some kind of fog, but Kyo wet his lips, answering, “No, we don’t.”

“We were talking about you when we got back to our room,” she said. “It’s rare to see a couple so in tune with each other, not putting on airs or worrying how they look, but just having _fun_ , being _happy_ together.” She leaned forward to set down the curling iron on the counter next to Kyo. “Whatever conflicts you have, I wouldn’t worry that they’re too serious to make it through. You don’t need to doubt his love.”

“I… Thank you.” Kyo didn’t know how to feel about anything she’d said. It was all meaningless, after all, wasn’t it? Just a misreading of the situation, based on the performance they were giving. He glanced back over his shoulder, wondering where Die had gotten off to. “Maybe I should go look for him…”

“Like I said, just give him time. What are you, photo shoot or interview?”

“Uh, photo shoot hopefully,” Kyo said. In his distraction, he’d pretty much forgotten what they’d come downstairs to do. “I don’t know who we’re supposed to talk to.”

Yuko gestured to the papers Kyo had pushed aside when he first leaned against the makeup counter. “Everything’s pre-assigned; the schedule is all laid out there.”

Kyo picked up the papers, flipping through until he found Die’s name, scheduled for a photo shoot starting in one hour. He recognized the name of the photographer, too, one with whom he was sure both he and Die had worked before, and in whom he had a good deal of faith, that he would produce something elegant without being too flashy. 

His eyes scanned the paper further until he found his name—“Ah, shit.”

“What’s wrong?” Yuko asked.

Kyo just sighed. He was scheduled for an interview, and it didn’t even start for another three hours, so he couldn’t just get it over with. On top of that, it was, as he’d expected, with Seiji. He was sure he was being punished. He didn’t see how he could look forward to it any less.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Here is a chapter that has given me a lot of trouble and I don't know if I'm happy with it but here it is so we can move on.   
> Things in my life have been pretty all over the place and I just broke up with my boyfriend less than 24 hours ago, so if you have anything negative to say about this chapter please keep it to yourself, 'cause I'm in no state of mind to hear anything negative at all. Just sayin'. Hope everyone's feelin' good and spoopy and getting excited for Halloween! I will probably update again much sooner than last time. I know I always say that, but it's really true.  
> Enjoy xoxo

Kyo spent most of the morning in the hair and makeup area, since he didn’t have anything else planned. He hung out, chatting with his new friend, Yuko, until she had to go off and do her own interview. He’d tried to discreetly get a feel for how she felt about Seiji before she left, without biasing her one way or the other, but she didn’t express any strong feeling about him whatsoever. In a way, Kyo thought that was for the best, and didn’t try to influence her opinion, especially not right before she had to go and be interviewed by him. He did get her contact information though, adding her on LINE so they could keep in touch. She worked more in film and television than in music, but he didn’t think he would mind meeting up with her sometime, even once they were back home.

After she left, Kyo kept himself busy by offering to help the hair and makeup artists, and what with how many people they were trying to shuffle through in such a short amount of time, they were definitely grateful for his assistance. 

He ended up meeting a number of other attendees of the retreat as well, as they would strike up a conversation with him, generally rather surprised that he was styling their hair. Several of them mentioned having seen him at the party the night before, and asked after Die, more than a few commenting on what a cute couple they made.

Kyo was polite, and he kept the charade going, certainly, answering questions about him and Die according to their predetermined responses, and avoiding going into details, but he didn’t find anyone he felt as comfortable speaking with as Yuko, and he kind of wished she’d come back after her interview was over.

Or that Die would have come and found him. He was glad he had the task of other people’s hair or makeup to focus on, just because it kept him busy, kept him from dwelling too much on his fight with Die.

It had been such a trivial thing to start an argument over. Was Die still angry? He hadn’t come to see him, hadn’t texted him. Maybe it was best to give him some time to cool down, and then when they all got back to the hotel room, they could talk things out rationally. Or maybe they wouldn’t even need to talk about it. After all, what was there to talk about really? None of the things they’d said to each other about photo shoots mattered in the long run.

It was just that Kyo had to suspect there was more to it than that, that there had to be something deeper that was actually upsetting Die. There was no way he had really blown up over a passing comment about photo shoots. 

It could definitely have been more along the lines of what Yuko had suggested, that Die was stressed about the retreat, that the entire thing had him on edge. Kyo remembered Shinya telling him to be mindful, and thought maybe this was the kind of thing he meant. He really needed to remember that it was a difficult situation for Die, even without the pretend relationship on top of that, and take his mood swings with a grain of salt. Maybe he should have been remembering to lighten the mood and pull Die out of his tendency to worry, rather than call him out when it would only start a fight.

Still, there was that uncomfortably nagging thought, prickling along the top of Kyo’s scalp, that if Die really didn’t _trust_ Kyo, there was more there that they needed to talk about.

Yuko didn’t think so. She’d told Kyo not to worry so much, not to doubt Die’s love.

But that wasn’t helpful, given that Die didn’t actually love Kyo.

She had such limited misinformation on which to base her observations, and yet Kyo found himself going over her words again and again, looking for something he could use. In a way, she had reminded him of Shinya, and he wanted the comfort of that sage and quiet advice. She’d given him some insight with regard to Die’s experience as a gay man, the fine line he walked at this retreat like a tightrope, trying to have the freedom to enjoy himself, while protecting himself, closing himself off from an ever-present danger. She’d also said one could see how in love they were from a mile away.

In some twisted sense, Kyo thought _that_ was what he really wanted to talk to Die about, though he didn’t know exactly what he wanted to say. Maybe he just wanted to check in, “ _Hey, the act is going really well, everyone believes we’re in love!_ ” or maybe he wanted Die to laugh with him, at the ludicrous thought of them being a real couple.

Because it was. It was an absolutely unbelievable bit of imaginary play, that Die and Kyo would be _together_ , that Die would ever be—would ever _want_ to be—with Kyo.

It just wasn’t realistic.

When they got back to the room, maybe Die could laugh with him over it.

By the time bentos were being brought around, Kyo opted to skip lunch, his nerves over the interview itself setting in. He was used to interviews, had given more than he could count, but he never really felt comfortable, and this was one he was dreading more than most.

Who knew what Seiji was planning on asking him about? Was it some kind of set-up, meant to catch Kyo somehow, to humiliate him or bring harm to his bandmates by association? He thought about trying to get out of it. He could embrace his image of being surly and antisocial, and just refuse to do the interview at all—but he didn’t think he could get away with it. Seiji was already watching him like a hawk, and it would only rouse his suspicions, bring his attention down on him even more. Besides, with his luck it would turn out somewhere in the forms he’d signed, he’d already agreed to do the interview without even realizing it, and was contractually obligated. 

So it was that Kyo trudged reluctantly in to meet with Seiji at the scheduled time. 

The room where the interviews were being held was more spacious than Kyo had expected, quiet and with a sense of privacy that Kyo reminded himself was entirely false. This was one of the few places on the retreat where the things he said and did were decidedly _on_ -record, and he couldn’t let himself be fooled into letting his guard down for even a second.

Seiji was already there, sitting complacently, notebook on his lap, in one of two plush orange chairs, not quite in the center of the room. He was smiling dangerously even as Kyo approached, and gestured to a cup of tea that was set out on the small table between the chairs.

“Please, get comfortable,” he said, and Kyo wondered whether it was an illusion or if he actually blinked less often than the average human. “Kyo, I am so looking forward to your interview.”

“Oh?” Kyo settled himself on the edge of his own chair, not daring to relax. Hopefully this would be over with quickly. “I doubt much has changed since last time you interviewed me.”

Seiji laughed in a clipped, fake kind of way. “Now, now, I’m sure things in your life are constantly evolving.”

Kyo’s eyes narrowed, and then he decided to look at his tea instead of keeping his attention on Seiji. He really just didn’t like looking at him. “Anyway, let’s begin. I know it’s a long day for you.”

“So considerate,” Seiji said, and clicked on his recorder on the table between them. “I’m here with Kyo-san from the bands Dir en grey and sukekiyo, and I’m so excited to be able to ask him some of the things that I know have been weighing on _my_ mind, as well as his fans’.”

That struck Kyo as a somewhat ominous beginning to an interview, but he just waited for Seiji to go on.

“To start off, Kyo,” Seiji said, “how do you respond to the countless music lovers who think of you as a sellout?”

And Kyo supposed the question shouldn’t have caught him off-guard, but it still did. “I’m sorry?”

“More specifically that you’re money-grubbing and don’t give a damn about your fans?” Seiji was still smiling. “The prices you charge for your goods are so outrageous it’s clear that you’re only in the business to make a profit, and you take advantage of your fans—usually young and impressionable girls— and their dedication to you, knowing they’ll buy whatever crap you sell to them, no matter how unreasonable the cost.”

So it was going to be _this_ kind of interview. Kyo bit down on the inside of his cheek, keeping himself in check so he didn’t blurt out the first thing that came to mind. At the same time, he knew he couldn’t take forever to answer. He was annoyed enough that it was difficult to not say something truly snarky, but after a pause he managed, “I would hope it occurs to you and others that I am not solely responsible for setting prices. It’s not an area that I have as much control over as something like design. However, I am also aware that it _is_ a business, and as in any business, a profit is expected. It’s only because of some amount of financial success that I’m able to take risks and branch further out, work on the new projects that interest me. If the cost is too high for fans, they’re never obligated to buy. Generally we’ll offer a range of items at a range of prices, so there should be things anyone can afford as well as those products limited to fans with more money to spend.”

Judging by the minute faltering of Seiji’s smile, he was displeased by Kyo’s answer, but it didn’t seem to discourage him overmuch because only a second later he was plunging on with the next question, something about the way Kyo “glorified violence, mental illness, and self-mutilation” with his lyrics and onstage acts, how harmful that was to any society. It went on like this for the next half-hour, some of the questions being ones Kyo had heard dozens of times before, others being new, but all of them viscerally uncomfortable. Kyo wasn’t sure how he had managed to get himself into this situation, when he was usually pretty good at avoiding shit like this.

Still, he did his best to keep a calm demeanor as he responded to everything that was thrown at him. He did consider taking a page out of his own book and just outright lying in every answer he gave, but he wanted to think he’d moved past that, and had the feeling that if he went that route Seiji would find some way to use it against him, so instead he remembered what Die had said to him, that he was good at evading questions, and wiggled his way out of every accusation Seiji whipped up.

It was obvious that Seiji was growing more and more irritated by Kyo’s failure to give him the incriminating soundbytes he wanted. It was almost fun to watch. Kyo was just wondering if he could actually get his eye to start twitching when the topic of the questions shifted in a direction that Kyo should have seen coming.

“Do you recall saying in a past interview, that you are ‘old-fashioned’ when it comes to dating?” Seiji asked.

Kyo sighed tiredly and looked at his watch. He was certain no one else’s interviews had dragged on this long. “I can honestly say that I don’t remember.”

Seiji proceeded to rattle off several more quotes about Kyo’s relationships and dating habits, things like him saying that he was “afraid of women,” or that his work would always come first, or that he wouldn’t want a girlfriend to walk in front of him—anything that made Kyo sound like a jerk. He looked up innocently from the notebook he’d been reading from, and asked, “Can you confirm that you said all of those things?”

Kyo glared for only a few seconds before looking back down at his tea on the table. It had long gone cold. He hadn’t even wanted to try it, didn’t trust a single thing that came from Seiji at this point. “You’re the one with a long list of quotes,” he said. “You’d know better than I would where you got them.”

Yet again, it wasn’t the answer that Seiji wanted. “You write about so much pain and suffering, especially in romance. Would you say that you’ve ever had a _good_ relationship? Do you think it’s even something of which you’re capable?”

That was rather bold, and Kyo almost wanted to laugh. All this about Kyo’s love life was evidently what the whole interview had been leading up to. It was funny, in a way. After everything, it was still all about Die. No matter how Kyo answered, it would force him to either out him and Die, or outright _deny_ their involvement, which rubbed Kyo the wrong way, even if it was just pretend.

Was it just jealousy? Seiji acting like some petulant child because Kyo had what he wanted? Once more, Kyo was forced to remember that Seiji and Die had some kind of history, though he still didn’t know the details of it. Nor did he want to.

Something angry and somehow _possessive_ flared up inside Kyo at the unbidden mental image of Seiji with his arms around Die. He could picture him _smiling_ at him, his hands in Die’s long tresses; could imagine him leaning in, claiming Die’s mouth—

The sound of Seiji impatiently clearing his throat brought Kyo back to himself. Seiji was staring at him, expectantly, but he also looked a bit nervous, and Kyo realized that probably had to do with how hard he’d been clenching his fists without noticing. 

Kyo wasn’t by any means a violent person, but he was struck by just how badly he’d like to _hit_ Seiji right in his slimy-smug face. He didn’t have time to examine that at the moment.

“There might have been a time when I would have said no,” Kyo said finally. “I might have said that a truly _good relationship_ was a fantastic notion, that all love comes to an end, and that all ends are painful.” He shifted in his chair, looked up at Seiji’s face, and aimed his words right where he’d have liked to aim his fist. “But as is often the case, my ideas about such things have changed, and I believe that I can give as good as I get, with the right person.” He challenged Seiji with his eyes a moment longer before there was a knock at the door, and an assistant poked her head in apologetically, letting Seiji know the time.

The look on Seiji’s face as he turned back to Kyo was the ugliest Kyo had seen on him yet. “Wise words,” he sneered. “I wonder if your partner shares that belief.”

Kyo shrugged one shoulder. “I’m not the person to ask.”

Seiji pursed his lips, and pushed some hair behind his ear. “Then I guess all there is left for me to ask, is if there are any charity groups you’d like to mention, since our retreat is of the philanthropic variety.”

Kyo thought about it. For a minute, he considered throwing out the names of some LGBT groups, just for the sheer amusement it would bring him to see Seiji getting flustered over the answer, but in the end he just boosted a couple of groups whose work he supported, who worked with victims of human trafficking, and to prevent animal abuse, respectively. He walked out of the room feeling like he’d won that round.

As he crossed back through the lobby, Kyo found that it had started snowing while he’d been in his interview. The floor-to-ceiling windows that gave a view of the hotel pool (heated and on a covered patio so it could remain open year-round) also revealed the picturesque winter landscape, and it brought a small smile to Kyo’s face. He always enjoyed seeing the seasons change, the inevitable progression of time shown by nature, no matter what humans did about it. There was something comforting in it.

He tried to keep this comfort at the forefront of his feelings as he went up to his and Die’s hotel room. He wasn’t sure what he’d find, given the unsavory terms on which they’d parted. He didn't want to fight with Die anymore, and he hoped that Die felt the same way, that he’d calmed down after some time to himself, but he was perfectly aware that Die’s temper didn’t always follow what Kyo deemed to be logical thinking.

Kyo paused outside the door to their room, listening, wondering whether Die was even there, but he couldn’t make out any sounds one way or the other, so he braced himself for confrontation and unlocked the door to let himself inside.

It was a bit anticlimactic to come in and find Die just sitting on the bed with his headphones on, messing around on his phone. He glanced up as Kyo entered, his facial expression immediately shifting to one of guilt. 

“Hey.”

Kyo nodded in greeting, and walked through the room, giving Die plenty of space as he moved to sit in the armchair near the window. Die took his earbuds out, put his phone off to the side, and seemed to be waiting for Kyo to say something, so he tried, “How was your shoot?”

“I’m sorry for how I acted,” Die said.

“Oh.” Kyo pulled his legs up onto the seat. He’d expected to have to work his way up to that, but he was more than willing to skip right to it. “I am, too. I didn’t mean to insult you.”

“I know,” Die said. “Everything just has me kind of—”

“On edge, I know.”

They looked at each other for a long moment, until Kyo felt a smile pulling at his mouth. Even if Die was quick to anger, it was so easy for them to talk through things when they took the time, and he couldn’t help but feel grateful for that. 

“Did you notice it started snowing?” Kyo said, gesturing towards the window.

Die grinned. “I was out in it for a while earlier. I think it helped me find my calm.”

“I thought it was calming, too.”

“I hope it keeps sticking.”

“Yeah, sure, you just want to go out there and make snow animals and shit,” Kyo said, though he didn’t mean it critically. He actually enjoyed how Die saw the snow as an opportunity for creative outlet and playfulness at the same time. He wished he could see more of the world that way.

“You saying you wouldn’t join me?” Die 

“Ehh, I dunno if you’d like me to,” Kyo said. “Your puppies and kittens might meet some violent ends.”

“You wouldn’t hurt a harmless animal!”

“Not a live one, but I’m pretty sure snow beasts are fair game,” Kyo said, and Die laughed. Kyo wondered if they would really go and play in the snow like a couple of kids. He wouldn’t mind spending the evening that way, but as he ran through what he’d packed for the trip, he couldn’t remember having brought any gloves…

“You had an interview though,” Die said, turning his gaze downward as he changed the subject. “That must have been…”

“Oh, yeah, fucking Seiji. It was a set-up, basically,” Kyo said.

“How do you mean?”

“Rigged, to make me look as shitty as possible.” Kyo laughed. “I had to keep in mind what you told me at the beginning of all this, to evade his questions wherever I could.”

“What kinds of questions?” Die shifted on the bed so he was lying on his stomach, propped up on his elbows.

“The usual,” Kyo said with a shrug. “Well, and not. He was all over the place, calling me a sellout, a corrupter of youth, all that kind of thing, but then also going after my more personal existence.”

“Seriously?”

“He had this mile-long string of quotes to use against me, my own words about how bad I am in relationships.”

Die made a face. “Why?”

“I mean, I guess ‘cause he seems to be kind of obsessed with you,” Kyo said. “And he either doesn’t believe we’re together and wants to catch us in a lie, or he wants to prove to you what a piece of shit I am so he can, I dunno, get you to himself?”

“Ugh.”

“Part of me wants to remember that we need to be careful around him,” Kyo said, rubbing a hand over his hair. “But another part just wants to laugh at the constipated look on his face when I refuse to say what he wants me to say.”

Die leaned his chin on his hand. “He was displeased?”

“Definitely.” Kyo smirked. “I was tempted there at the end to shout out some LGBT group just to see to see how he'd react. It’s kind of fun to watch him squirm, you know?”

“Hmm.”

“Or I could have just started making shit up about our sex life or something, so he’d get all flustered—I wouldn’t _really_ do that, obviously, but it’s funny to think about,” Kyo said, leaning his head back against the chair. “All things considered, the interview was fine. He tried to set me up, but I think I beat him at his own game.”

Die was quiet long enough that Kyo lifted his head, gave him a curious look.

“Do you really think of it as a game?” Die asked quietly.

“Huh?”

“That’s how you see this whole thing, isn’t it?” Die said. “Something you can just play at and then put away when the weekend is over.”

“Well, no, I didn’t mean—”

“‘Cause it’s not a fucking game, for me,” Die said. His voice didn’t rise, but the steadiness of it was unsettling. “It’s my _life_ , and you’re treating it like a joke.”

“I know,” Kyo said, wondering where he’d lost control of the conversation. They had been laughing together a minute ago, hadn’t they? Or had he just thought they were laughing? Why was he so inept at knowing when he took things too far? “I mean… I’m not trying to treat it like a joke. I know it’s serious, I didn’t—”

“This is exactly your problem,” Die said, sitting up. “It has been from the beginning.”

Kyo didn’t like the condescending accusation in Die’s tone, and without meaning to, he snapped, “What, thinking that we’re on the same team working against Seiji? Sorry, I keep forgetting you guys have a history.”

Die’s eyes narrowed. “What did you say?”

“Remind me again why I keep trying to _protect_ you from him when you could probably just fuck him again and it’d be enough to get him off your case,” Kyo said bitterly.

“Christ, do you even hear yourself?” Die said.

“Do you?”

“All this shit about _teams_ and _protecting me_ —are you seriously so delusional that you think the world works that way?” Die asked incredulously. 

“I’m doing all this to _help_ you,” Kyo reminded him. “Literally the only reason I’m here at all is to protect you.”

“When did I ever ask for your protection?” Die said. “I could have handled it all fine without you!”

“Oh, right, now who’s delusional?”

Die laughed, a strange helpless sound. Kyo expected him to make some retort, but he just sat there, quiet, worrying his lip. 

Kyo didn’t say anything either. He already regretted what he’d said so far, thought he really must have crossed a line by the face Die was making.

After an eternity, Die said, “It would have been better if you hadn’t come.” He didn’t look at Kyo. “It’s so… _so_ much harder, for me. Having you here.”

Kyo could feel the guilt and self-loathing seeping all the way to his fingertips. For all his attempts to help, he’d only made things worse for Die.

“I thought I could do it,” Die went on. “For just a few days, that we could just get through this, but having you—and _not_ having you—” He bit down on his lip again, hesitated. “Maybe I am delusional.” He got up from the bed, and paced between it and the dresser. “I know you’re trying to help, but you. You don’t understand how much—I _can’t_. I can’t let myself forget, for even a _second_ , can’t let myself think that it’s real. Can’t think you’re holding my hand because it’s mine and that makes it _yours_ —because if I forget—”

Die’s eyes finally met Kyo’s, and he looked so lost. Kyo stared back. Die’s words seemed like they’d been physically etched into the air between them, formed a wall that Kyo couldn’t break through if he tried.

“It’s too much,” Die said. His shoes were on a split-second later, and the door was closing behind him before Kyo could fully register it opening. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like a mini-chapter, for Kyo and his brain.

Kyo stayed up to wait for Die to come back to the room. He hoped he actually _would_ come back, that he hadn’t just said fuck it, and gone home.

But no, he _had_ to, Kyo reasoned. Die had left things in the hotel room that he would need; his luggage, his hair products, and after Kyo tried to _call_ Die, he found he’d gone in such a hurry he’d even left his phone. He’d have to come back.

He should never have let him leave in the first place. Not that he would have physically restrained him or anything, but he should have gone after him. If he was honest, the only real reason he hadn’t was that he’d been too stunned to move. After all, what Die had said…

He replayed it in his head over and over

_can’t let myself think that it’s real…_

_having you—and not having you—_

_because if I forget—_

There was really no way for Kyo to misinterpret any of it, much as he’d been searching for one. It didn’t make sense, but Kyo couldn’t really pretend he hadn’t heard what Die wasn’t saying.

So he waited for him to come back. He sat in the armchair at the window and watched the snow fall. He wrote a column for his mobile site, and the sky grew dark, and impossibly darker, and he waited.

As it got later, Kyo grew more worried, but he was too afraid to go out looking for Die by then, in case he returned while he was gone. He took both his and Die’s phones with him when he went to take a bath, and left the bathroom door cracked open so he’d be sure to hear if Die came in. He kept a towel nearby so he’d be ready to jump out at a moment’s notice, to stop Die from leaving again, to tell him it was _okay_.

Because as he sat there in his bathwater, he found that was what he needed to tell Die. How he felt was okay; Kyo didn’t _mind_. In fact—

Well, he didn’t mind. Maybe that was enough to start with.

When he got out of the bath and still hadn’t heard from Die, Kyo opened his messages to text Shinya—only to stop himself before he’d written a word. It was late, the night before Christmas Eve, and Shinya was visiting his girlfriend’s family. He didn’t need to deal with Kyo and his problems. And Kyo didn’t know how he’d expect him to fix them from such a distance anyway.

Instead, slumping back into the armchair in his pajamas, Kyo opened up LINE, and sent a message to Yuko: _Hello, sorry to bother you so late, but have you seen Die at all this evening?_

He wasn’t sure how often Yuko checked her phone, or if she’d even be awake, so he was surprised to see the message marked “ _Read_ ” right away.

She wrote back, _You’ve lost him?_

Kyo really hoped he hadn’t. _We were arguing. Again. He stormed out_.

_You boys need to find a new pastime._

_When was this?_

Kyo checked the time. _It’s been over three hours._

After a moment of looking down at the screen, he added truthfully, _I’m worried._

_I would be, too,_ she replied. Then, after a pause, _It will be okay. Sit tight for a minute._

Kyo did, already feeling a bit more secure now that Yuko was helping. He took out his sketchbook and doodled to keep his hands busy.

He’d been avoiding doing so, but now he finally let himself reflect on all the ways in which Die taking off was his fault. He’d scared him off like that twice in _one day_ , and he couldn’t very well act like the problem was entirely on Die’s end. Kyo had said things he should _never_ have said. Things he should have had the sense to Not say.

He shouldn’t, for example, have brought up Die’s past involvement with Seiji. That was too personal, it crossed a line, and if Kyo had had the decency to keep such comments to himself, maybe Die wouldn’t have left.

After all, it wasn’t any of Kyo’s business, and he really didn’t care! What did it matter who Die had slept with in the past? He wasn’t with Seiji now. _Now_ , he was…

It was just that Kyo disliked Seiji so particularly. It felt like some deliberate attack. Seiji had gone out of his way to do both of them harm, and here Kyo was forced to keep _picturing_ it, Seiji with his arm around Die’s shoulders, or his hand on Die’s thigh, or his lips on Die’s neck as he pressed him against a wall—

Kyo’s phone vibrated with a new message from Yuko, and he blinked down at his sketchbook page, finding it dark with angry, violent, criss-crossing lines. He set the book aside on the arm of the chair and unlocked his phone’s screen as it buzzed again to read the series of messages.

_A friend saw him at the hotel bar about an hour ago._

_Staff says he hasn’t left the resort._

_Anywhere you think he might have gone that you want me to check? Gym, pool, laundry room?_

It was a generous offer, and Kyo made sure to tell her how much he appreciated her, but most of the hotel’s amenities would be closing for the night soon, and if Die wasn’t at the bar and hadn’t left altogether, chances were he would either be coming back soon, or he was with a friend. Kyo knew there were a lot of people there with whom Die was friendly; he might have met up with someone.

Kyo swallowed as the next uncomfortable thought struck him, that Die might have met up with someone for something _more_ than friendly.

No matter what he had implied about his feelings for Kyo, Die had been angry, could have sought out comfort in someone else. Someone he knew, someone he could trust more than Kyo.

Not Seiji.

Kyo felt a wave of panic rising in him. _Not Seiji, not Seiji, not Seiji_. The panic started to fall out of Kyo’s mouth in the form of near-hysterical laughter. The irony was surely something to appreciate. The entire charade had started in an effort to _shield_ Die from Seiji. Had Kyo’s big mouth just chased Die right back into his arms? Kyo thought of Die sleeping nestled so close to him, so content—was it Seiji all along that he’d been dreaming of?

Kyo curled up in the armchair, tucked his face against his knees. He didn’t want it to be Seiji. It couldn’t be. Not Seiji.

Blindly finding his phone, Kyo held it close to his face as he messaged Yuko again, thanking her for her help, and assuring her that’d he’d let her know once he got in touch with Die so she wouldn’t worry.

_Get some rest_ , she reminded him.

It was late. It was very late, and Kyo was, in every sense of the word, exhausted. Still, he stayed up, waiting for Die.

He would never even have been here without Die. He had a lot of nerve leaving Kyo alone like this when Kyo was stuck here because of him in the first place.

Or because of Kyo’s idea. His stupid, selfish, stupid, _unfathomably_ stupid idea.

And yet in some bizarre way, Kyo didn’t even regret it. He couldn’t regret spending this strange and unusual few days with Die, sharing bentos and wearing ugly sweaters and _laughing_. Holding Die’s hand. Sleeping beside him.

Even if it was fake, and he’d known it was, from the beginning; even if Die was off right then, with someone else—even if he was off with _Seiji_ …

Kyo realized belatedly that his cheeks were wet. He pulled his knees closer, wiped his face on the soft material of his sleep pants.

He didn’t want Die to dream of being held by Seiji. He didn’t want it because he’d hoped… Because he wanted it to be him. He wanted to be the person holding Die in his dreams.

Because he wanted to be the person holding Die in real life.

And that was the last coherent thought Kyo had before he drifted out of consciousness.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the last one was so short, tadaaa bonus chapter! Maybe these people are gettin' somewhere. Enjoy, my dears.

Kyo awoke to the sound of the bathroom door closing. He blinked the lingering sleep from his eyes and realized Die was standing there, zipping yesterday’s clothes into his suitcase, hair damp from the shower. He glanced over at Kyo, eyes widening when he saw Kyo looking back.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” he said quietly.

“You’re back,” Kyo said. His voice was rusty from sleep and stress.

Die nodded. “I… shouldn’t have left the way I did. It seems to be a bad habit of mine.”

“I’ve noticed.”

There was a hint of a smile before Die cleared his throat. “Have you seen my phone? I think I left it…”

Kyo unfolded himself from the armchair and took Die’s phone out of his pocket. “I was keeping it close. In case you called, or…” he shrugged, and handed the phone to Die. “You won’t leave again?”

“No, I won’t.”

“When did you get back?” Kyo asked, stretching his stiff limbs. He was too old to be sleeping in chairs. “You didn’t wake me.”

“Late,” Die said. “Close to four. I didn’t want—to disturb you.”

“I wish you would have,” Kyo said. He sighed. “Look, Die, about what you said, it’s—”

“Forget it,” Die said, cutting Kyo off.

Kyo stammered for a second, “I—what?”

“Forget it,” Die repeated. “What I said. Let’s just pretend I never said any of it, okay?”

“But—”

“Can we just do that?” Die’s eyes were desperate. “Please?”

Hesitantly, Kyo nodded.

Die smiled in relief, and looked down at his phone. “The main event for today starts in twenty, so you might want to get dressed.”

“Right.” Kyo looked down at the floor around his armchair, found his sketchbook, splayed open to the page he’d nearly ripped through thinking about Seiji. He picked it up, along with his pencil and phone and moved to leave them on the dresser, pausing to shoot Yuko a message, letting her know Die had returned. 

He took out a change of clothes and didn’t dawdle as he went through the motions of getting dressed. He felt kind of numb. He didn’t want to forget what Die had said. It was all he had to cling to as some kind of hope, that this pretend relationship could be something more, that Die might want that, somehow, for some reason.

But if Die wanted to act as if he’d never said it, that as good as said that _wasn’t_ what Die wanted. So. Kyo had known it didn’t make sense anyway. Maybe there really was someone else. Kyo got the feeling Die didn’t want to talk about where he’d been all night.

They went down to the event room in silence.

There was so much Kyo wanted to say that he could feel it pushing at every centimeter of him, threatening to split him at the seams, dissolve him into word clusters. Instead of saying any of it, he frowned and chewed one side of his bottom lip until he nearly broke the skin.

Right before they walked in, Die held his hand out to Kyo.

He stared at it in horror. He wanted to take it, to grasp Die's hand and not let go. But he didn’t want to hurt Die, or to make things harder for him. Wasn’t that what Die had said? That holding Kyo’s hand—Only he was supposed to pretend Die had never said any of that. He looked up to Die’s face, lost.

Die’s smile was forced, strained. “Normal. Like we have been. Yeah?”

Kyo wanted to shake his head, to tell Die this was not a fucking healthy way to deal with things, but he could hardly judge. He took Die’s hand, and squeezed it tighter than was probably polite.

They took up their assigned post in the back once again, this time putting together care packages of canned food, making sure each one got an even assortment from the boxes of donations that had been sorted one step up the assembly line.

 

“How long is one of these packages supposed to last a family?” Kyo mused as he added a few cans of vegetables to his current box, a couple hours into their work. “Like this is nice, but it’s not gonna do them that much good, is it? We’d be better off just giving money directly to a local food bank.”

“Probably,” Die agreed. “But for those scrounging for something to throw together for New Year’s, a box like this will seem like a blessing.”

It was the most Die had said the whole shift, so Kyo took it gratefully, nodded, even if he still felt frustrated and powerless in their efforts to make a difference.

By now, lunchtime was approaching, and Kyo found himself stuck in a thought cycle about “blessings,” religion, how if a higher power had really been out there looking after the world, it wouldn’t have been necessary for people to come together and help each other out like this—when voices floated towards them, familiar and somehow out of place

“… _know the lovebirds are working back here somewhere—ah, there they are!_ ”

“ _I don’t think we’re understanding each other. Die and—_ ” The voice cut off, and Kyo looked over his shoulder to see the speaker: Toshiya, in all his lanky, sweater-wearing glory. Seiji was standing just behind him, grin even more ominous than usual. Toshiya’s eyes went so wide Kyo could see them behind his sunglasses. “— _Kyo?!_ ”

“Toshiya,” Kyo said meekly.

“What are you doing here!” Die said, a good deal more cheerfully, and he wriggled around boxes of non-perishables until he could get close enough to throw his arms around the other man.

“I came to volunteer,” Toshiya said. “I couldn’t come for the whole weekend, but Seiji said just one day was fine…” He looked between Die and Kyo. “But… he said—I think he’s confused.”

Kyo swallowed. _Shit_. Seiji was still just standing there, staring at them like he’d flipped on his favorite TV program. 

“Oh,” Die said. “You mean, um. Me and Kyo.”

“He said you’re _together_ ,” Toshiya said, a strange look on his face, like he wanted to laugh, but he was afraid to. “That’s not—right?”

“Please, how do your bandmates not know?” Seiji said.

“We really keep it pretty private,” Kyo croaked, his voice doing nothing to support him at the moment.

“Well, I’m sorry, I didn’t even _think_ to keep it from him,” Seiji said. He didn’t look very sorry.

“You mean it’s true?” Toshiya was looking at Kyo now.

Kyo opened his mouth, closed it. He nodded.

“How long is it again?” Seiji asked, in a way that made it obvious he hadn’t forgotten.

“A little over two years,” Die said, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck.

Toshiya’s jaw dropped. Kyo saw his hand twitch towards his pocket, which presumably held his phone.

“So, you can help them out back here!” Seiji said, clapping Toshiya on the back. Looking at Kyo he said, “I certainly hope this doesn’t make things _uncomfortable_ between you.” He smiled at them all and went off towards the front of the room, leaving the three bandmates standing together feeling very awkward indeed.

“Over two years,” Toshiya said eventually.

“Toshiya—” Kyo began.

“How could I have not known?” Toshiya sounded a bit hurt, but mostly bewildered.

Kyo thought the whole thing was just cruel at this point. He looked around to see if anyone was within earshot; maybe he could just give Toshiya a quick rundown of recent events and get him in on the act.

“I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on it sooner,” Toshiya said. “I must be the slowest person alive.”

Kyo froze, glanced over at Die who was just as frozen.

“You’re not,” Die said. “We—how do you mean?”

“Just in retrospect it seems so obvious,” Toshiya said. “I mean, even the way you _look_ at Kyo,” he said to Die. “Or Kyo, how you were acting at Die’s party with the fucking flowers…”

Die and Kyo looked at each other. Kyo didn’t know what to say anymore.

“To be clear,” Toshiya continued, “I’m really happy for you guys. I get why you didn’t feel like you could tell me, but I’m thrilled to have found out. We should celebrate! Do the others know?”

It seemed like no one was going to respond for a second, then Die said, “Actually…”

“Only Shinya knows,” Kyo said, so abruptly he surprised even himself. He could feel Die’s eyes on him.

“I figured,” Toshiya said. “Hard to keep anything from him. I’m probably not allowed to tell Kaoru then?”

“We’d rather you didn’t,” Die said.

“Your secret’s safe with me,” Toshiya said, beaming. “I’m just excited to be in on it!” With that, he took off his sunglasses and laid them on the table, rolling up his sleeves to get to work on the care packages, still smiling to himself.

“Um, Kyo,” Die said. “Could I speak to you over here for a moment, please?”

Kyo didn’t particularly want to hear Die’s lecture right now. He couldn’t explain himself. He had no idea why he’d stopped Die from telling Toshiya the truth. They were now lying not just to random people, but to their friend. Because…?

He got lucky in that just at that moment he spotted the wagon full of bentos approaching, and was able to point it out with a loud exclamation of, “Look, lunch!”

Die was mad; Kyo wasn’t so dense as to not be aware of that. Pissing Die off seemed to be his most recently developed area of expertise. But as long as he stayed near enough to Toshiya and everyone else at the retreat, he was fairly confident Die wouldn’t start another argument.

“So, how have things been with you?” Kyo said, sitting with his bento a bit closer to Toshiya than he normally would have.

“Good! Busy,” Toshiya replied. He took the lid off his own food and put his hands together before taking a bite. “You know, before this I was bouncing around, making stops to visit a few friends, and then I just came straight here once I got into town.”

“Yeah, we definitely weren’t expecting to see you,” Die muttered, picking at his lunch grumpily.

Toshiya frowned.

“Don’t mind him,” Kyo said. “You know how he is; he’s probably just feeling cranky because the bento isn’t to his liking.”

“That is not—”

“So!” Kyo said again. “You came by yourself?”

Toshiya tilted his head. “Unn. Why? Is there someone I should have brought?”

“No, no,” Kyo said, shrugging one shoulder. “There’s just a lot of couples here. I didn’t really think you’d brought anyone though.”

“Oh, really?” Toshiya looked around. “I saw lots of people I recognize as I was coming in, but I didn’t notice them with girlfriends or anything…”

Kyo nodded, and before he had the sense to stop himself, said, “That’s probably ‘cause a lot of them are gay.”

Die coughed loudly. “ _Kyo_.”

“Wait, seriously?” Toshiya turned in his seat to better peer around at the other attendees. “And you guys—like, is this a _gay_ retreat…?”

Kyo wobbled his head from side to side. “Not officially, but I guess in a community like this, everyone kind of knows everyone…”

His phone buzzed and he took it out of his pocket, expecting to perhaps find a message from Yuko—Instead it was a text from Die, straight and to the point:

_What the hell are you doing?!_

Kyo ignored it and slid the phone back into his pocket. He felt his cheeks heating up as he avoided eye contact with Die.

Toshiya was still looking around the event room, fascinated. “I mean,” he said, “they had me sign some pretty strict forms—NDAs and whatever, but I hadn’t really thought about it. I guess it’s important to protect people, their professional identities and—” he stopped, turned to look at Kyo again. “Shit, that stuff has to be there to protect you guys, too. If word about your relationship got out…”

There was a solemn silence before Die spoke up, “We have to be very careful.”

Toshiya looked devastated. “This fucking sucks.”

Die shrugged, took the last couple bites of his bento. “You get pretty used to it.”

“You guys are so brave,” Toshiya said, shifting in his seat and leaning his elbows on the table.

Die snorted. “Not really.”

“I think you are,” Kyo said. He hadn’t really meant to say it out loud, but it was true. “It takes courage to be who you are when other people tell you you should be someone else. And you still get onstage and smile and _love_ —” Die was staring at him, the anger gone from his gaze, replaced with something soft and searching. Kyo couldn’t look away. “I think you’re incredibly brave.”

A hush fell over them again, none of them even moving.

Then, “I think you are, too,” Die said quietly.

A bizarre squeaking noise broke through the air at that point, and Kyo found it had come out of Toshiya, despite his attempts to cover his mouth with his fist.

“I’m sorry!” Toshiya said. “You guys are just— _Fuck_ , I want a love like that!”

“I doubt that,” Die said drily. He stood up and gathered up the trash from their meal from the table. “I’m going to throw all this away. Kyo, would you like to accompany me?”

Kyo looked up at him and didn’t feel half as brave as Die claimed to think he was. He just felt terrified of an impending confrontation, of another fight that ended with Die walking away and hating him.

“No, I’ll just stay here,” Kyo said, with what he was sure was one of his least believable smiles ever. “Don’t want to leave Toshiya here by himself.”

“I’ll be fine!” Toshiya said hurriedly. “You don’t have to stay just for me—Honestly, if you wanna go be alone together for a minute, so you can kiss or something—Although you should know, I won’t judge you even if you kiss in front of me. I get it’s weird, but I can be cool with it.”

Kyo wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or bury his face in his hands. The notion of sneaking off with Die for a minute just so he could kiss him in relative privacy—was _absurd_. Almost unimaginable. Almost.

“Good to know,” Die said, and Kyo could tell his smile was just as false as Kyo’s own, but hoped Toshiya might not notice. One last empty water bottle made it into Die's pile before he carried everything off to dispose of it.

Toshiya rounded on Kyo as soon as Die was gone. “What’s going on with him?”

“Oh, you know. Various,” Kyo hedged.

“He doesn’t want me here,” Toshiya said.

“It’s not that exactly,” Kyo said. “You’re just an unexpected element. He’s already been in a pretty bad mood pretty consistently.”

“Why?”

Kyo sighed. He knew he should take this opportunity to come clean, explain the reality of the situation to Toshiya, but somehow he didn’t _want_ to. It was such a long story, and Toshiya was so supportive of them and their fake relationship it felt like an asshole move to rip it apart right in front of him.

So he opted to go with something that wasn’t a lie, but wasn’t the whole truth either. “I keep fucking up.”

“I’m sure that’s not… What makes you think it’s you?” Toshiya asked carefully.

Kyo half-smiled. “I know. We’ve been fighting almost non-stop since we got here. I’m pretty new to this stuff, and I know he’s frustrated and scared, and I just make it worse ‘cause I—can’t keep my mouth shut.”

Toshiya pursed his lips. “Okay, I’m going to tell you something just really quick before he comes back. He probably doesn’t even remember this, but—well, there was this one night we were out drinking, after some show we had overseas—two years ago, right around when I guess you guys got together—and we were talking just on and on, about how different our lives would be without Dir en grey, without each other.” He smiled wistfully. “He said he’d be lost without you. I thought at first he just meant without the _band_ , but he elaborated, said _you_ were the strongest person he knows, that even in his darkest times, you’d been there guiding him through it, whether you’d realized it or not.”

Kyo’s eyes scanned the room until he found Die, almost in the far corner, caught up in some conversation with a table full of people he didn’t recognize. He dropped his attention back down to his hands, clasped together on the table, not willing to bear the weight of looking directly at Toshiya as he spoke.

“He relies on you,” Toshiya went on, his tone gentle. “You keep him grounded, keep him _safe_. He told me all this, and I never read into it anything romantic—maybe he didn’t even mean it that way. But it’s deeper than that, and it’s real, and if things are difficult, you’re probably what’s keeping him _together_ , not what’s fucking him up.”

Kyo wanted to tell Toshiya how wrong he was, how he didn’t understand anything, _couldn’t_ understand anything. But Die was returning to them, and he had some woman with him who had been assigned to help their end of things move a little quicker now that the lunch break was ending.

They got back to work, and for the last couple hours of their shift packaging boxes of donated food, Kyo couldn’t get what Toshiya had said out of his head. It was hard to imagine Die thinking those things about him, much less _saying_ them. Was that what he’d meant, when he’d said that he sometimes talked about Kyo to other people? Were those the kind of things he said? Die had never even trusted Kyo with the truth about himself, so how could he have seen Kyo as anyone grounding or guiding? Kyo knew the reality was that he’d never been there for Die as much as he should have been.

Unless he’d been wrong all this time; too preoccupied and foolish to realize that Die had harbored feelings for him for _years_.

The thought simultaneously saddened and excited Kyo. On the one hand he felt guilty for being so blind, but the possibility that Die was seriously interested, had _been_ interested for some time… It set something burning in Kyo that he couldn’t fully understand.

At last it was announced that their work for the day was completed, and everyone cheered and thanked each other. Seiji obnoxiously reminded them all to come to the party that night, that they would be drinking and celebrating in full force for Christmas Eve. Everyone cheered again in response, and they all split off to enjoy their few hours of free time until the party.

Toshiya tagged along with Kyo as he headed up to the hotel room, Die several steps ahead of them, still in a snit.

“So he’s been like this?” Toshiya whispered.

“More or less,” Kyo said. “Like I told you, I’ve been pissing him off more than not.”

Toshiya grimaced sympathetically. “That’s just so lame. Here it’s a nice chance for you guys to get away and be together and he’s acting like this the whole time? Tsk.”

Up ahead, Die bypassed the elevators and headed for the stairs. Kyo took the hint and didn’t follow.

“Maybe it’s hard for him, being cooped up here,” Kyo said.

“Don’t make excuses for him!” Toshiya snapped. “Have you guys gotten to have _any_ fun?”

“We have,” Kyo said, almost defensively. “The other night there was this ugly sweater party, with a contest. Die won first prize, and we… we had a really nice time.”

Toshiya raised an eyebrow and hit the elevator call button. “ _You_ had a nice time at a party?”

“With Die.”

Toshiya smiled faintly. “I still can’t believe I never knew. You really love him, don’t you?”

Kyo didn’t know how to answer. Someone outright asking him like that was never something they’d prepared for in all their planning. And this was Toshiya, his friend and bandmate, not some stranger.

The elevator opened.

He couldn’t lie to him.

They stepped onboard.

So he said, “I guess I do.”

Neither of them spoke as they rode up to their floor. Toshiya’s room was just a few doors down the hall from Kyo and Die’s, and they stood outside it for a minute before parting ways. 

“I’ll see you at the party then?” Toshiya asked.

“Ugh, probably,” Kyo said. “It’s pretty much expected.”

“Aw, don’t look so miserable about it,” Toshiya said. “Die will be there; maybe you guys can have a nice time again.”

“Maybe,” Kyo said, but he didn’t really see it going that way.

He left Toshiya at his room and went to his own, wondering if Die had beaten him there. He didn’t have to wonder long, as he opened the door and was immediately confronted with Die standing there glaring at him as he came in.

“Uh, hi,” Kyo said.

“What on earth is wrong with you?” Die demanded.

“All kinds of stuff,” Kyo said with a shrug. He took off his shoes and came further into the hotel room. “But I’m not the one acting like a kid throwing a tantrum in front of Toshiya.”

“No, you’re just _lying_ to him, acting like this bullshit fake relationship is real when I was trying to tell him the truth!”

“You don’t have to yell at me,” Kyo said, doing his best to keep calm and ignore the twinge in his chest at Die calling their relationship bullshit. “I didn’t know what to do, okay? I don’t know why I cut you off like that. I just… I don’t know.”

Die was staring at him in disbelief. “You don’t know. And now Toshiya’s convinced that we’re an item.”

“Yeah, and that you’re kind of an asshole.”

Die gawked at him. “Me!?”

“You’re the one picking fights and snarling and avoiding me,” Kyo said. “Not to mention making him feel like _he_ did something wrong, when he’s just trying to piece together the information he’s been given.”

It was clear that Die wanted to argue, but then he sighed, apparently losing his steam. “I’m sorry." 

“I am, too,” Kyo said. “It’s all just. Confusing.”

“Yeah, more than I expected,” Die agreed.

Kyo closed his eyes, took a deep breath. “And I’m sorry about Seiji.”

“Ha?”

“I hate the guy, but I don’t mean to take that out on you,” Kyo said, still not able to meet Die’s eyes. “Even if I think he’s despicable, it’s not my place to judge who you get with, and our relationship is fake, and if he’s someone you’re more comfortable with, and you went to him last night when you were angry with me—that’s—I understand, and I’m—fine with it. It-It’s okay.” He felt utterly worn out after saying it all, and sat heavily on the end of the bed.

Die just stood there, until finally he said, “I didn’t go to Seiji last night.”

Kyo looked warily up at him. “No?”

“No,” Die said, shaking his head. “I went to the bar, then to the gym, for a long while. Possibly the wrong order to do those things.” He huffed out a short laugh. “Then I just sat in a secluded corner of the lobby and watched the snow fall, sketched guitar lines in my head until I felt calm enough to go back to the room. You were already asleep.”

“I waited a long time for you to come back. I thought I’d pushed you right back towards the person I hate,” Kyo said. He thought of it again, the image of Seiji smiling at Die, holding him close, digging his claws into the softest parts of Die’s skin—it made Kyo sick to his stomach. “But my hating him doesn’t mean I’m passing some kind of judgment—”

“I didn’t go to Seiji,” Die said again, more firmly. “I’ve never gone to him.”

Kyo’s brow furrowed. “Never gone to him?”

“Seiji and I have never been a thing,” Die said, fixing Kyo with a serious look. “You keep talking like we have some kind of history and I’m not sure were you got the idea.”

“You never…?”

“What, slept with him? _Fuck_ no,” Die said, wrinkling his nose. He turned, half-sat on the edge of the dresser so he could better face Kyo on the bed. “And I sure as hell wouldn’t want to. I’m kind of surprised that you can’t tell what I think of him.”

“But…” Kyo was confused. All this time he’d thought there had been something between Die and Seiji; it had made him so viscerally uncomfortable, _haunted_ him, and it had all been in his mind? “Seiji said…”

Die straightened up. “He told you we slept together??”

“Not… exactly,” Kyo said. It all seemed fuzzy and distant now, but Kyo had thought… “He implied it. I guess it’s what he wanted me to think.”

“That fucker…”

“He said it back when I was still trying to get us out of coming to this thing,” Kyo said. “Said you didn’t act like you were involved with anyone last time he saw you… I thought—Since you said he knew you were gay and everything…”

Die’s face was in his hands now. “ _Shit_. Okay.” He sighed, lifted his head. “No. Okay. It’s nothing like what he made you think. After he interviewed me before, you know, he invited me out, and I accepted, thinking we’d have a few drinks and a nice evening. What I didn’t expect was for him to take us to a full-on gay bar.” Die dragged a hand through his hair. “I don’t go to places like that. For obvious reasons. And I just don’t enjoy them, generally speaking—all that noise and all those people… I was horrified that he’d brought me there, and said as much.”

Kyo couldn’t really picture Die at a gay bar. He was too familiar with Die’s anxiety in crowds like that, and with only Seiji as his accompanying friend, he must have been miserable. “So what happened?” he asked gently.

“He came out to me,” Die said. “Said he’d gotten the feeling that I might be like him—”

“You absolutely aren’t,” Kyo interrupted.

Die let out a snort. “Thanks. But he just meant gay.” He looked down at his hands, started fidgeting with one of his bracelets. “I’d never… really had a gay friend, like that. He’d trusted me enough to come out to me, and in return, I trusted him with stuff I really shouldn’t have.” He kept his gaze turned down. “Instead of leaving, I stayed, and drank—a lot, even for me. He convinced me to get on the dance floor, and there was—” Die stopped, worried his lower lip.

Somehow it had gotten to territory beyond the mild discomfort of an embarrassing memory, and Kyo wondered whether he ought to change the subject. “You don’t have to tell me,” he said.

Die shook his head. “It’s nothing that bad—I just. I don’t talk about this stuff. With anyone, really, and not out loud. And not with—you.” He glanced up at Kyo for only a second.

“You can talk to me about it,” Kyo said.

“I… I know,” Die said. He shifted his weight back against the dresser again, and cleared his throat. “There was a guy there, young, maybe in his twenties, who started dancing with me. And I was drunk, and he kissed me. And I kissed him back.” Die swallowed. “A lot. My being drunk isn’t an excuse—it was irresponsible, we were in public—but I don’t think I would have—we ended up fooling around in the bathroom of the club.” He swallowed again, looked like the action hurt him. “Seiji and I got a cab home after, and he just kept saying how I could trust him, he wouldn’t tell anyone, he was _proud_ of me, for letting loose. I never even found out the guy’s name.”

Words seemed like an impossible feat, and Kyo couldn’t manage a single one in response to Die’s story. Die still wasn’t looking at him and Kyo felt grateful for that, since the very thought of eye contact was overwhelming. He’d said Die could tell him and he’d meant it, but Die, fooling around in nightclub bathrooms with guys almost twenty years younger than him wasn’t the kind of image Kyo had been prepared to deal with.

In spite of himself, Kyo found he was wondering what they had done, his breath catching at the mental picture of Die with his hand down this nameless stranger’s pants, or fisted in his hair while the younger man kneeled in front of him. It sparked a feeling different from the thoughts he’d been having of Seiji.

“I don’t usually do that kind of thing,” Die said, a pleading note in his voice, and Kyo looked up to realize he was finally looking at him. “I never do. I have the sense not to.”

“I know,” Kyo said, his voice rasping out of him. Something warm was twisting low in his belly and he tried to ignore it.

“Seiji… He’s dangerous,” Die said. “Again, I’m not making excuses for my behavior, but he made me believe that he had my back, that I could _trust_ him.”

“In a way that you couldn’t trust me,” Kyo said. “For example.”

Die looked at him, then crossed to the bed and sat down. “This isn’t the first time you’ve said something like that. I told you before that wasn’t the problem.”

“I didn’t mean it to come out like an accusation,” Kyo said. “I just mean it makes sense. You couldn’t open up to people like me, who might have been closer to you, so you had to reach out to someone on the outside, who you felt could understand what you were going through.”

“But that’s _not true_ ,” Die insisted. “It was never about not _trusting_ you, Kyo, I’d trust you with my _life_ , I just wasn’t ready—for you to know.”

“That you were gay.”

“That—I loved you?” Die said, and this time his eyes didn’t leave Kyo’s face. “And maybe I’m still not ready, but by now it’s kinda like… fuck it, you know? Everything’s a shitshow anyway.” He laughed, and it was warm, made the twisting inside of Kyo even tighter.

“It’s not all bad,” Kyo said.

Die arched an eyebrow. “The return of the ever-elusive Optimist-Kyo?”

“The moments where we’re not arguing are decent enough,” Kyo said. “You won truffles from the party. I made a new friend.”

“Did you?”

Kyo nodded. “She gave me some perspective, how stressful it is for you, not feeling sure if you can let your guard down somewhere like this.” Kyo wanted to reach out and take Die’s hand, but he settled for distracting himself by smoothing out the bedspread between them. “I get it even more now, having heard your story. You must be hyper-aware of the dangers of groups of people like this.”

Die said nothing. He looked down at Kyo’s hands moving on the bedspread. After a while he asked, “Are you angry?”

Kyo paused. “About what?”

“What I told you,” Die said. “I thought you might be disgusted.”

“No,” Kyo said. “I’m not, not at all.” The thought of Die having been with Seiji was far more revolting, after all.

Die let out a breath, obviously relieved.

“You know,” Kyo started, “I—It’s fine.” He wanted to force more out, but much as he tried, he couldn’t form his feelings into words, not yet, so he just repeated, “It’s fine. I’m okay with it.”

That seemed to be enough for Die. He excused himself to take a shower before the party, and Kyo sat on the bed, staring into space until he could rouse himself enough to pick out a change of clothes.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So based on responses from a few people, I'm gonna go ahead and stretch this out till Christmas! What that means: 1) Updates are gonna come kinda slow even though I have basically everything written, sorry guys because 2) I'm gonna be posting a couple unrelated things between this and the next chapter, including some smutty one-shot 'cause we could all use that in our lives, so you should be able to expect that next week.  
> I've been spending most of my writing energy on my NaNo, which is actually coming along and amusing me greatly, so yes, and I'm sure you guys will see that eventually too because of course it's about my favorite couple ha ha ha. Anything else to tell you... Oh, I injured myself again (the same ankle) because I am a mess!  
> Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter and have lovely upcoming holidays (if you're in the US, I guess)!

“Are you going to introduce me to your friend?”

Kyo glanced up from his phone where he’d been replying to an email from Takumi. Die was standing in front of the mirror, styling his hair. He was already dressed for the evening, in tight black slacks and a long t-shirt, black leather jacket topping it off. “Oh. Yuko?”

“Is that her name?” Die said. “She’ll be at the party, right?”

“Mmhmm. Sure, I’ll introduce you. I think you’ll like her.”

“If you do, I probably will,” Die agreed.

“She thinks we’re a cute couple,” Kyo said.

“Guess that’s better than the alternative.”

Everything Kyo had wanted to say before felt like it was off-limits. He couldn’t laugh about them fooling everyone if Die really _did_ love him. If that wasn’t ludicrous, Kyo had no idea what was real anymore and what wasn’t. Had Die really not been acting all along? And yet he’d been the one resisting even the simplest displays of affection.

And by now Kyo hardly knew if _he_ was acting anymore either. It was more than that, more than he’d seen coming, and when Toshiya had asked him if he loved Die, there had been only one possible answer in his mind.

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts, and Die moved to open it and let Toshiya in.

“You guys about ready to head down?” he asked.

“Nearly,” Die said. He pushed his hair over his shoulder. “Just gotta do my eyes.”

“I dunno who you’re hoping to impress,” Toshiya said. “Kyo already knows all about your dark circles.”

“People love to take pictures, Totchi,” Die said as he went into the bathroom to grab his makeup bag. “Never hurts to be prepared.”

Kyo shrugged. “He’s not wrong.” He got up from the bed and picked up his jacket to pull it on. “There’s no weird theme tonight, right?”

“No,” Die said from his position back in front of the mirror. “Honestly, it’s just an excuse to drink.”

“As if we need an excuse,” Toshiya said, grinning. “Lucky we’ll have Kyo there to keep an eye on us, make sure we don’t do something stupid.”

Kyo thought about Die’s story again, how he’d gotten so carried away and made poor decisions, because of Seiji, and because of his drinking. “Nah, you’re on your own,” he told Toshiya. “I only have enough attention to spare to keep Die out of trouble, not both of you.”

“That’s cold, man.”

Kyo gave him a remorseless shrug, and checked the time on his phone. He had a text from Shinya.

_Happy Christmas Eve. I haven’t heard from you… Not sure if that’s good or I should be worried._

Kyo’s thumbs hovered over the keyboard. So much had happened that he wanted to tell Shinya, but thinking about it, he was sure Shinya already knew the most important aspects of it. That was why he’d been so concerned about the way Kyo was treating the whole thing; he’d known all along about Die’s feelings. 

He wrote back something less dramatic than what was clawing at his heart. _Happy Christmas Eve to you, too. I haven’t wanted to disturb your holiday. A lot has happened, but it’s okay for now._

_Btw Toshiya is here_.

He was about to wave Toshiya over for a selfie to send Shinya when he realized Die was busy talking to him.

“…sorry about how I was acting earlier. I hope you know it wasn’t anything against you.”

“No, I know,” Toshiya said. “Kyo told me you guys have been having a rough kinda weekend. I hope you’re not taking it out on him too much either.”

“I probably am,” Die said. “But he’s been very forgiving.”

“You guys got to talk?”

“We did. I think we understand each other a little more.” Die looked past Toshiya, caught Kyo’s eye, and smiled.

This time Kyo couldn’t tell if it was a real smile or not, but it seemed a bit sad.

The three of them went down to the party together, Toshiya complaining the whole way about how he’d missed out on the _fun_ party and he wished he could have been there to see Die in his prize-winning sweater.

“It is a thing of beauty,” Die said. “But I can just model it for you later; it’s not like I burned it after the party.”

“Maybe you should have,” Kyo said, with a smirk.

Die made an indignant noise. “You take that back! That sweater is an absolute treasure. I’d sooner burn your whole Gucci wardrobe!”

Toshiya laughed and Kyo laughed with him. The hotel lobby was warm and Christmas lights glowed on the tree, and it was nice to be able to make a comment teasing Die and have it be just that, instead of the start of a fight.

Die slung an arm around Kyo’s shoulders as they went into the banquet room, and Kyo took comfort in the weight of him there, the warmth of his body against his own. Even though he didn’t usually like to be crowded or touched excessively, he felt almost relieved to have Die so close to him.

The seating at the party was pre-assigned, much to Kyo’s chagrin. He was uncomfortable sitting in the midst of so many chatty people, especially once they were all drinking freely. He’d have liked to position himself in a corner, with no one at his table besides Die, Toshiya, Yuko, and her date. Instead, he and Die were wedged in the middle of a longer table, surrounded by literally no one Kyo knew at all. He was sure it was intentional.

Only twenty minutes into sitting and eating, after the whole party had drunk the first round together as a toast, Kyo got restless and took Die by the hand, dragging him across the room to meet Yuko. She scooted over to make room to talk to them, a small, easy smile on her face.

“Kyo told me about you,” Die said. “It’s rare that he calls someone he meets a friend, so I wanted to say hello, and thank you.”

She bowed her head. “Of course, I’m glad he thinks of me as a friend! I enjoyed talking with him, and I’m pleased to officially meet you as well. How was your photo shoot?”

“It went well, thank you!”

Kyo kept careful control of his face as they spoke, realizing he’d never properly found out how Die’s shoot went, himself. Such a standard question, and they’d skipped right past it. He couldn’t help but feel guilty, thinking how even the simplest conversations had been escaping them since they were so focused on a lot of drama instead.

“He always does beautiful work, doesn’t he?” Yuko was saying.

“Oh, definitely, I’m always happy to work with him,” Die said.

Kyo sat quietly by, just watching them as they went on. If he pushed past his own self-centered guilt, there was something really nice about it, watching Die smile and engage with someone Kyo had already deemed decent, _because_ he knew that Kyo liked them. Even without speaking, Kyo felt like he was a part of the exchange, so different from how he’d felt at Die’s birthday party, where he’d been aware of his role as an outsider. Here, Yuko wanted him there. He was still holding Die’s hand.

After a while, someone came over, excitedly pulling Yuko aside, and she gave Die and Kyo each a quick hug before turning her attention to the newcomer and letting them go back to their assigned seats. 

An air of awkwardness fell over them once they sat back down at their own table, and Die knocked back the rest of the drink in his hand in a single swallow.

“You can have mine, too,” Kyo said, and pushed his small glass, leftover from the first toast, towards him.

Die laughed. “Guess it’s a win-win for us, isn’t it?”

“We pair up nicely that way,” Kyo agreed.

Die quickly emptied that glass, too. “Yuko seemed nice. Somehow unconventional.”

Kyo nodded. “Probably part of what I like about her.”

“Her partner’s more quiet, I guess.”

“She’d said she was a little more anxious about the retreat and everything,” Kyo said. “Maybe she just wasn’t comfortable talking to people she doesn’t know enough to trust.”

“You were being quiet, too,” Die said. He was already looking a bit flushed, and Kyo thought if he intended to keep on drinking for both of them they might have to make it an early night.

“I was enjoying just watching you two talk,” Kyo said honestly.

“Maybe you missed the part where she was saying what a handsome couple we make and how nice it is to see two people so in love,” Die said without looking at him.

A server came by then, and Die ordered more drinks for himself and Kyo, not bothering to ask Kyo what he’d like.

Kyo hesitated. He hadn’t particularly noticed Yuko saying any of that to Die. “Maybe. But I told you, she said all that to me before.”

Die let out a short huff of laughter. “And that doesn’t bother you?” When Kyo didn’t respond, Die turned towards him. “Your new ‘friend,’ and everything she knows about you is based on lies?”

Kyo grimaced. He looked around the table, but no one seemed to be particularly listening to them.

“Didn’t bother you to lie to Toshiya, either,” Die mused. “Wow, new, old… you just really don’t care about being honest with your friends in the slightest, do you?”

Their drinks were brought out in the following silence. Kyo didn’t know where to start with that. Of _course_ he cared. Honesty had always been one of the things he valued most highly, and that Die would call that into question when all of this had been done to _help him_ infuriated Kyo almost beyond reason.

At the same time he couldn’t deny that keeping the act going had taken priority over full disclosure, even with people whose trust was important to Kyo. That _did_ bother him, but…

But not as much as it should have. He didn’t want to tell them he and Die weren’t together, would never be together. He kind of _liked_ people seeing them that way. He wanted to see them that way, too, just to know what it would look like.

“Not everything she knows about me—” Kyo began.

Die rolled his eyes and set his glass down, half-empty again already. “The part we’re actually talking about.”

“It’s not like I’m lying to them just to be an asshole,” Kyo said, keeping his voice low.

“Does that matter?” Die said. “It’s still nothing but bullshit.”

_Not that again_. “It’s not,” Kyo said, unable to help himself.

“Uh, yeah, it is,” Die said. “Did you forget we’re _not actually dating_ , or what?”

Kyo’s eyes widened and he looked around again, checking that no one else had heard. What was Die thinking? He wanted to blow their cover _now_ when they were so close to making it through the weekend alive?

“It’s still not all bullshit,” Kyo said quietly. “You told me yourself, your feelings for me—they’re… they’re real.” He felt less sure as he said it, afraid suddenly that he’d only imagined Die’s confession, that he was making a fool of himself for bringing up what was obviously a fantasy.

Die tipped his head, and finished his drink. “You’ve got me there.”

Kyo leaned his elbows on the table, breathed a slow breath of relief. “Not sure why, though,” he muttered. “Why would you like me if you think I’m such a lying dick?”

Die sputtered out a laugh. “Good question!”

Kyo wondered if he was going to say more, going to _answer_ the question, but Die seemed more interested in starting on Kyo’s untouched drink—something alcoholic that he’d known Kyo wouldn’t want. Kyo put a hand on Die’s wrist, causing him to look up.

“Maybe you should slow down,” Kyo said. “You’re not really pacing yourself.”

Die shook him off. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna go storming out of here just because we’re having a little disagreement.”

“That’s not my concern,” Kyo said, although maybe it partly was.

“Well, your priorities are always pretty skewed anyway, so who gives a fuck what your concern is?” Die said. He called the server over to order more drinks, and threw his free arm around Kyo’s shoulder again. Kyo hated that he still liked the weight of him there. It felt right and secure, despite his knowledge that it was neither.

At that point, a series of people rose to give speeches, and Die and Kyo’s talk was put on hold. Die kept drinking, his face growing more and more flushed.

Kyo watched the final speaker (an older woman, someone on the organizational end of the charity work they’d been doing) solemnly, thinking in the back of his mind how he could drag Die out of there early, before he took his drinking so far that he truly regretted it. He wanted to just _leave_ , but he remembered Die’s words from the start of the trip, that he couldn’t ditch him at parties, and so he was determined to find a way to get Die to leave _with_ him—

When he felt Die leaning more heavily against his side. This time it wasn’t an aggressive or distracting gesture; it was just Die’s head resting against Kyo’s shoulder, quietly enough that he might have been asleep.

Kyo looked at him in some alarm, not wanting to think about how he’d get Die upstairs if he had passed out, but then Die sighed, indicating that he was conscious after all.

The speeches were almost finished, and the couple across the table was smiling at Kyo, obviously finding Die’s display adorable. Kyo gave them a tight-lipped smile in return, and waited for the speeches to be over before he seized the opportunity of everyone’s last rounds of applause to finally shift, intent on removing Die.

He was stopped suddenly by Die’s voice mumbling, “You smell good.”

Kyo’s heart seemed to swerve sideways. Die was definitely awake, but he couldn’t have been thinking clearly, because the next thing Kyo knew, he felt Die nuzzling against his shoulder like a cat, then _kissing_ his shoulder lightly.

“ _Die_ ,” Kyo hissed, his cheeks burning. He tried to pull Die upright.

“Hmm?” Sitting up just gave Die the freedom to lean in closer to Kyo, to tuck his face against Kyo’s neck.

“Come on,” Kyo said. He laid one hand flat against Die’s chest, bracing to push him away. “You’re drunk. Let’s go back to the room.”

“You’re inviting me to bed?”

Kyo could feel Die’s smile against his cheek, and his chest went tight.

Then Die’s breath was against his ear, no more than a whisper, “Kiss me.”

“Die.” Kyo ground out the name, his voice nearly as soft as Die’s own. “You don’t—”

“We’re dating,” Die said. His hand rested on Kyo’s knee, but didn’t wander. “It’s normal, right?”

Kyo put his free hand over Die’s. “You’re drunk,” he said again.

“You’d kiss me if I was your girlfriend, wouldn’t you?”

Kyo swallowed, and he squeezed Die’s hand without meaning to. “Not if you’d been drinking this much. You’re out of it, Die.”

Die huffed against his cheek. “I should have known. You only wanna put on the act when it’s fun for you.”

“That’s not true,” Kyo said. He tried to turn his head to look at Die more seriously, but the second he did, Die caught his lips with his own.

Kyo gasped, his hand on Die’s chest clutching at the fabric of his shirt. He meant to push him away, but it was like that particular command had been deleted from his program. 

It should have been a terrible kiss, all booze and gracelessness, but it was _Die_ and somehow that meant it was perfect.

Die’s tongue swiped across Kyo’s bottom lip, but didn’t slip past it, even as he deepened the kiss, pressing harder, more hungrily against Kyo’s mouth.

Kyo lost track of time, of space, of everything except the feel of Die, the taste of him. It was everything he’d never known he wanted, and he got to have it. Seiji didn’t get to have it, but Kyo did.

The thought jerked him back to reality, as he remembered just where they were, and he pulled away from Die to stare at him with wide eyes.

Die frowned, confused, and it took everything in Kyo not to grab his face and pull him in to kiss him again.

“We should go back to the room,” Kyo said, trying to ignore how everyone at their table was now focused on them, a few people whispering to each other.

Kyo creaked his way through some polite goodbyes, then took Die by the hand and led him out of the hall, only just managing to avoid Seiji as he caught sight of them and tried to cut them off at the exit. They half-ran through the lobby, Kyo continually glancing back over his shoulder. He realized halfway through the elevator ride that they were still holding hands, and that Die was _giggling_.

This was all too strange. Where was Kyo going with it? He needed to have a plan of action for once they got back in the room. And yes, as the elevator doors slid open for them to get out, Kyo could admit to himself that he’d like that plan to include kissing Die again.

But as Die leaned his weight onto his side while Kyo got the door to their room unlocked, Kyo also knew that couldn’t happen. Not like this, with Die drunk. Or even if he were sober, there was too much deceit between them mucking things up. Kyo had to talk to Die in private, had to tell him everything, tell him he wanted it all to be real, that he’d fallen for him in a way he’d never even realized he could.

It probably wasn’t the time for that conversation either, given that Kyo would rather have Die remember it the next day.

Kyo bolted the door once they were inside and let Die move past him as he stayed in the room’s entryway, untying his shoes. At any rate, he would still say something to him, Kyo decided. Even if he was too inebriated to fully grasp it, Kyo needed Die to hear the words, to hear everything in Kyo’s heart while Kyo was committed enough to not back down from saying it.

“Die, we need to talk,” Kyo said seriously, coming further into the room.

But Die was fully asleep, not even having made it under the covers before knocking out. Kyo sighed and moved the rest of the way to the bed. Die had managed to ditch his jacket, and to kick his pants mostly off, but they were still caught around one ankle, and Kyo gingerly removed them and tossed them aside on the armchair. He filled a glass with water from the tap and set it on the nightstand, then brought the small trash can from next to the dresser and left it on the floor easily reachable from Die’s side of the bed. That done, he carefully dragged the covers down from underneath Die’s sprawled-out form, and tucked him in properly before going into the bathroom to start getting ready for bed himself.

When at last Kyo joined Die in bed, he felt like his stomach was full of—not butterflies, but maybe something else flying. Wasps? That could turn dangerous and maim him at any second?

He tried to remind himself, as Die must have been doing all along, that it wasn’t real. Holding hands didn’t make it a real relationship. A drunken kiss didn’t make it a real relationship. Sleeping side by side, telling their friends, Die loving him, _him loving Die_ —none of it made it real. Because it wasn’t real.

Kyo wanted it to be real.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I did post that other Die/Kyo one-shot earlier this week, but I meant to post this chapter sooner, too. Here it is! In theory the next one will also be up in the next week. We're nearing the end.  
> Love to you all!

Sleep was hard to come by that night, the evenness of Die’s breathing utterly distracting. Kyo drifted off well after three in the morning, and awoke to an empty bed.

He didn’t have it in him to panic about where Die was anymore. He just trudged through his morning routine, and carried himself downstairs, where the itinerary told him the day’s main event was organizing and gift-wrapping contributions from a toy drive, to be delivered in time for New Year’s.

He passed numbly through the hotel lobby, pausing in front of the Christmas tree. It was Christmas Day. Die loved Christmas. Kyo had never had particularly strong, positive feelings for the holiday, but he knew it meant something to Die, and he was painfully aware that with how things had been going, he had probably already ruined this year’s Christmas for him.

Kyo very nearly bumped into someone who was trying to leave the event room just as he was going in, and mumbled an apology only to belatedly realize it was Toshiya.

“Kyo!” he said, catching Kyo by the shoulders and then quickly releasing him. “I was just about to look for you; you weren’t responding to texts, and Die said you didn’t come down to breakfast with him.”

“Oh,” Kyo said. He pulled out his phone and found he did indeed have several missed messages, even including a few from Shinya the night before. He just hadn’t noticed. “Well, here I am.”

“You okay?” Toshiya’s brow creased in concern. “Die said he’d let you sleep in this morning, but you still seem kind of…”

“I guess I didn’t sleep well,” Kyo said. It wasn’t untrue. He looked past Toshiya into the room. He was late; people were already working at their assigned stations. He could see Die on the far side of the room, cutting wrapping paper. He was wearing his sunglasses. “You were coming to look for me?”

“I was just gonna check your room, see if you were still in bed,” Toshiya said. He looked over his shoulder, following Kyo’s gaze, and turned back to him with a strange expression. “Die… is having a rough morning, I think. I guess he’s pretty hungover.”

Kyo nodded. “He was drinking a lot last night.”

“Yeah,” Toshiya said. “I asked if he wanted to go back to the room to check in on you, and he just handed me his key.”

That made Kyo a little bit sad. He tried to catch himself before it showed on his face, but he must have been too slow, because Toshiya’s hand was suddenly there on his shoulder again, all sympathy and reassurance. 

“I’m sure it’s nothing to do with you specifically,” Toshiya said. “He’s just out of it.”

“Right,” Kyo said. He couldn’t decided whether he believed that it wasn’t about him or not.

He followed Toshiya back towards where Die was sitting, working, and didn’t even know how to greet him. He wanted to walk around behind him, loop his arms around his neck, kiss the top of his head. That might have been how he’d act with a girlfriend, and he wanted that right and that privilege with Die, but it wasn’t really his, and he couldn’t do it knowing Die would think it was just a performance.

Die seemed uncomfortable greeting him as well. He glanced up for barely a second before looking back at the paper he was cutting. “Kyo.”

“Merry Christmas,” Kyo said awkwardly.

Die looked back up, swallowed, and nodded. “Merry Christmas.”

“I didn’t get you anything,” Kyo said. It was the unfortunate truth. He should have planned ahead and brought something with him that he could give Die as a gift, but he hadn’t thought of it.

“I’m sorry I came down without you,” Die said. “I thought you might need the extra sleep.”

“It’s okay.”

Toshiya stood there holding a roll of scotch tape, looking rather like he wanted to run away.

Kyo couldn’t blame him. He’d have liked to run away himself.

Instead he sat at the table next to Die, and pulled the next toy in the to-wrap stack towards himself. “I’m shit at wrapping presents.”

Die huffed out something like a laugh. “I am, too. We might be in trouble.”

“We need Shinya!” Kyo said.

“Do you wanna cut, and I’ll wrap?” Die offered.

Kyo grimaced and shook his head. “No way. I can’t do anything in a straight line.”

“Maybe it’s okay if it’s crooked,” Die said. “It’ll give the presents character.”

“ _I_ will wrap,” Toshiya interjected firmly, seating himself across from Kyo. “I don’t know how the two of you get anything done without someone else here to move things along.”

“We probably don’t,” Kyo said. He raised his hands in surrender as Toshiya snatched the gift to be wrapped away from him.

“You’re on tape duty.” Toshiya scooted the roll of tape towards Kyo.

Kyo picked it up, thinking there must be something ironic in holding such a tool in his hand, something meant to keep it all from falling apart.

“What about ribbons and bows?” Die asked.

“You two can handle that,” Toshiya said.

They worked quietly for a few minutes before Die said, “This is such a weird fuckin’ Christmas.”

Toshiya didn’t look up. “Is it?”

“Definitely,” Die said. “Being here, with you guys?”

“You don’t usually spend the holidays together?” Toshiya flicked his eyes to Kyo briefly.

“Not like this,” Kyo said. There had been Christmases in the past where the band had a live or something, sure, but he had to agree with Die that this was not typical. “Does it seem normal to you?” he asked Toshiya, leaning his chin on one fist.

Toshiya shrugged. “I don’t have any traditions I really stick to. After this, I’m gonna try to visit some family before I head back to Tokyo tomorrow, so maybe I’ll at least have Christmas chicken dinner.”

“You mean you’re not even staying for tonight’s party?” Kyo said, surprised.

“No, I’m out of here once we’re done with our gift wrapping.” Toshiya gestured with his chin for Kyo to put a piece of tape where he was holding two edges together. “I am kind of disappointed that it ended up with me missing some of the more fun events.”

“At least you also got to skip the interviews,” Kyo pointed out.

Toshiya laughed. “Not everyone hates interviews as much as you do, Kyo.”

“To be fair,” Die said, “This interviewer was actually making things pretty difficult for him.”

Kyo tried to keep his facial expression in check, but he hadn’t expected to hear Die say something like that, and felt oddly moved.

“Really?” Toshiya said. He’d finished the present he was working on, and slid it across the table for finishing touches. “It’s not just Seiji?”

Die shared a look with Kyo before saying simply, “Kyo doesn’t like Seiji.”

“Yeah, well, he doesn’t like me either,” Kyo said somewhat defensively.

Toshiya frowned. “I thought he seemed nice.”

“ _Seemed_ ,” Kyo said.

“He’s…” Die started, then stopped, tongue poking out between his teeth. “I don’t know. I wouldn’t trust him.”

“Bummer,” Toshiya said. He went quiet but kept frowning as he worked on the next present in the pile.

Kyo let Die take the lead in changing the subject, and for the rest of the shift, they chatted idly about inconsequential matters. Kyo had his eyes on Die often. They still needed to talk. Die wasn’t acting like there was anything to talk about, but they couldn’t just pretend last night hadn’t happened.

Although, why not? They pretended everything else.

Kyo didn’t want to just let it go ignored though, and so he was waiting all morning and into the afternoon for an opportunity to speak to Die alone. He felt a little guilty about it, but he was almost looking forward to Toshiya leaving so that he’d be able to have this necessary conversation with his—

With Die.

On the bright side, Kyo hadn’t had to talk to Seiji all day either. He’d seen him early on in the morning, briefly, standing across the room, but he hadn’t been over to harass them, and Kyo wondered if Toshiya being there hadn’t afforded them some kind of protection.

It was only just as they were finishing cleaning up, scraps of ribbon and brightly colored paper swept into garbage bags as volunteers came around collecting scissors and tape dispensers, that Seiji finally approached them, a pout in place of his usual molded-plastic grin.

“So Toshiya, I heard you’re going to be leaving already!” He leaned against their table.

“Oh, um, yes.” Toshiya looked uncomfortable, and Kyo felt kind of bad for having shattered his more pleasant image of Seiji, but it was better that he know the truth. “I have to meet family for Christmas dinner and all that.”

“Please! I can’t convince you to stay even for the party tonight?” Seiji asked. “It’s the grand finale of our retreat!”

“I’m afraid not,” Toshiya said. “I… I would if I could.”

“Whatever are we going to do without him?” Seiji said then, turning to Kyo and Die dramatically.

Kyo was startled by the attempt to drag them into his creepiness, and even more startled by how Seiji then brazenly snaked an arm around Die’s waist, giving him an awkward squeeze as he went on speaking.

“We’ll just have to celebrate all the more in his honor, drink twice as much to make up for it, eh, Die?” 

Die glared at him, and carefully extricated himself from his grasp. “I think I had a bit too much last night, actually. I was planning on taking it easy.”

Kyo’s nails dug into his palms with how hard he was clenching his fists. Toshiya was looking between him and Seiji fearfully.

“Oh, don’t be like _that_ ,” Seiji said, reaching out to give Die a playful shove, as though he hadn’t just moved farther away from him. “It’s _Christmas_ , after all! What better reason to have a really good time?” His eyes turned towards Kyo. “And your _lover_ doesn’t mind you getting a little sloshed, do you, Kyo?”

Kyo’s jaw clicked.

Die’s head tipped down, and then he was gazing up at Kyo through his lashes, as if he were nervous to hear Kyo’s response.

And really, Kyo wasn’t sure what to say. It felt like another test. He’d never had any opinion, and certainly no judgment, about Die’s drinking—but why would he, when they were simply bandmates, and it wasn’t any of his business? As his boyfriend, he supposed he was more entitled to some stance on the subject. After that last party, he definitely didn’t think Die needed another night of that level of drinking. Even if the thought of Die kissing him again sent fizz bubbles popping through his veins, he didn’t want another drunken kiss that balanced precariously on the lines of proper consent. He wanted a _real_ kiss, a deliberate one, a start to a real, deliberate relationship.

But that wasn’t something he’d gotten to talk to Die about yet.

Everyone was still staring at him, so Kyo cautiously unclenched his jaw and stated, “How much Die chooses to drink or not drink is no one’s decision but his.”

Seiji smiled. “Of course.”

Toshiya cleared his throat and managed to get everyone’s attention back on him.

Kyo was grateful.

“I guess I’m going to head out pretty much now,” Toshiya said. “Did you guys want to walk me back to my room, so I could grab my stuff?”

Seiji opened his mouth, but Kyo didn’t give him the chance to talk, saying, “Die and I will.”

Toshiya offered Seiji no more than a briskly polite goodbye, still keeping his distance, and then walked quickly out of the room with Die and Kyo flanking him.

“You guys are right,” Toshiya said. “That guy’s fucking weird.”

“Weekend’s almost over,” Die said.

“Sooner for some of us than others,” Kyo added.

“Sorry,” Toshiya said. “I hope it doesn’t feel like I’m ditching.”

“Nah,” Kyo said. “Just escaping.”

Toshiya rolled his eyes. “Always so dramatic.”

As they crossed the lobby, staff could be seen preparing for the evening’s party outside on the pool patio. Decorations were already up and stereo equipment was being arranged. Kyo realized they didn’t have nearly as much of a break today. It was hardly more than an hour until the party was set to begin. The toy drive and gift wrapping had gone on longer than expected, and the December sky had already turned dark and endless.

"In all seriousness though,” Toshiya said. “You guys will be fine, right? If you need anything…”

Kyo shook his head, and they filed into the elevator. “We’ll manage.”

“I’m glad we got to spend this time together,” Toshiya said. “I didn’t know you guys would be here, and—well, clearly I learned something new.” He smiled. “But it was fun. It’s so rare for us to get to just be together, talk… Especially you, Kyo. We should do it more often.”

“I’d like that,” Kyo said. It wasn’t really like he meant to be a complete hermit, after all. He liked his friends as much as anyone, but being _around_ people just wasn’t always easy.

Except being around Die. That seemed to drain surprisingly little of his social energy. Even with how much they’d been fighting, he found it didn’t make him want to be around Die any _less_.

They walked Toshiya to his hotel room and he pulled them both in for a group hug as he said goodbye, thanking them once more for sharing such an important and intimate secret with him.

“And you know, you can 100% trust me with it, with anything,” Toshiya said earnestly. “But I do hope you’ll tell Kaoru eventually.”

“We’ll see,” Die said.

Once Toshiya had gone into his room to clean up and gather his belongings, Kyo and Die turned to make the short journey back down the hall to their own room. The silence between them was heavy, loaded, and Kyo was kind of afraid to puncture it and see what fell out.

His mind was in full contrast, as far from silent as possible. Toshiya had been so happy, so supportive, so _grateful_ that they’d trusted him, when really they’d had to deceive him along with everyone else. The guilt twisted in Kyo like a knife, and he wondered whether Die was thinking about the same thing.

Still, that guilt wasn’t at the forefront of things; they needed to talk about last night, about that _kiss_ , and they couldn’t put it off forever.

He let Die open the door to their room and waited for it to close behind them before he said, “Die, I really need to talk to you.”

Die just shook his head, walking straight to the dresser. “Can it wait?”

“Not really,” Kyo said. “That is, I’ve _been_ waiting all day already.”

Die sighed. “What’s it about?”

“There’s a few—well, last night, mostly—”

“No,” Die said, “I don’t want to talk about last night.” He didn’t seem angry, but his tone was firm, a door closing neatly in Kyo’s face.

Kyo gaped at him as he pulled out his change of clothes for the party. “Why not? You were—”

“I was drinking too much, I know, okay?” Die snapped. “I’m already embarrassed about how rude I was to you, so if you just want an apology, here it is: I’m sorry for what I said.”

“How rude you—” Kyo’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “What you said?”

“About your friendship with Yuko and everything,” Die said. “And then on top of that, getting drunk enough you must have helped me get to bed.”

“You don’t remember,” Kyo said, realization slowly dawning on him.

“No, I don’t,” Die admitted. “I just know I woke up with a trash can at the ready and a glass of water nearby, and no recollection of even getting myself back upstairs, so I know you must have done it. I’m sorry,” he said again. “And. And thank you.”

Kyo bit down on the inside of his cheek. Die already felt so embarrassed and terrible. How could he make it worse by telling him about the kiss? It had just been another thing Die had definitely not _meant_ to do, would never have done if he’d been sober. It was the painful story from the gay bar all over again.

“Anytime,” Kyo said.

Die gave him a tired smile and took his bundle of clothes to the bathroom. The sound of the shower running followed shortly.

Kyo stayed in the hotel room with his thoughts, sat on the bed because standing up seemed to require so much effort. Die didn’t even remember kissing him. That was a good thing, wasn’t it? They could just continue on as if it had never happened. 

Or was that wrong? Even though it had been Die that kissed Kyo, and he hadn’t taken it any further than that, it felt wrong to have even the memory of a kiss that Die himself didn’t know about. 

He wasn’t going to take advantage of Die in that way, lie to him while he relived the memory of Die’s lips on his and Die was none the wiser. He’d lied to enough people during this whole thing. He wasn’t willing to let Die be another name on that list, not about this. He wasn't going to let that kiss mean nothing.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL.  
> We're really just about finished here, so watch where you step, there are probably some cliches ahead.  
> I wanted to make sure I posted it before Die's birthday was over (at least in the US).  
> Happy birthday, Die! Sorry for posting this kind of nonsense!  
> Enjoy!  
> (and hah, I told y'all he'd talk to him about it in a minute, he's done waitin' around)

By the time he heard the shower shut off, Kyo was determined to tell Die about the kiss, no matter how uncomfortable it was, just because it felt too wrong to keep it from him. 

The amount of time from then to when Die actually emerged from the bathroom, however, was far longer than he’d accounted for, and his anxiety over the matter only grew with every passing minute. What if Die really reacted badly? He might be angry that Kyo hadn't told him sooner, or it might make him want to keep his distance all over again. In some ways, they'd made so much progress, and Kyo hated the idea that he might undo that by breaking news to Die about something that had already happened. Still, that was no excuse for staying quiet on the subject.

When Die finally finished blow-drying his hair and came out, Kyo was already dressed for the party himself in a madaraningen shirt and black, ripped skinny jeans. Die took only a moment to put his stuff away and then smiled at Kyo.

“Ready to go?”

Kyo nodded and then stopped himself. “Actually hold on, there’s something else I wanted to say.”

“Okay,” Die said, seeming puzzled.

“About last night.”

“We talked about it already.”

“We did,” Kyo said, “But. There’s something—Something else happened last night. And you don’t remember.”

“Something else, like what?” Die started moving towards the door to put his shoes on. “At the party? With Seiji?”

“No—Yes, at the party,” Kyo said, following after him. “Not with Seiji.” He waited for Die to look at him again. “With us.”

Die’s expression turned understandably wary. “Well, what was it? You’re kinda scarin’ me here.”

“No, no, it’s not really a big deal,” Kyo said. “Er, okay, it might be, but it’s fine.” Kyo rubbed the back of his neck. “I wanted you to know I’m not freaked out or anything. Right, hah, that’s a lie, I’m completely freaked out. Um.”

Die opened the door, took the key from the lightswitch, and started out into the hall. “Jesus Christ, Kyo, spit it out.”

“My point is, that I’m not _mad_ ,” Kyo said, a few steps behind Die as they reached the elevator. “I just thought, for honesty’s sake, and—”

“ _Kyo_.”

The elevator opened, mercifully empty, and Kyo swallowed. “You kissed me.”

The elevator closed again, before they could step onboard, and Kyo slammed the call button, hurrying inside as soon as the doors reopened. 

Die stepped in after him, his brow furrowed. “I—What do you mean? I didn’t…”

“I’m not being tricky with my phrasing at all,” Kyo said. He stared ahead at their blurry reflections in the elevator doors. “You were drunk. You told me to kiss you, but I… I wouldn’t. Because you were wasted. So you kissed me.”

Die took a couple steps away from Kyo, leaned on the hand rail for support. “Fuck. _Fuck_ , I assaulted you?!” He looked like he might be sick.

“I—well, only technically,” Kyo said.

At this point the elevator stopped and a family with two small children boarded, putting the conversation on hold. They rode down to the lobby in tense silence.

Once they were out of the elevator again, Die grabbed Kyo’s shoulder, got him to face him fully. “I am _so_ sorry. I… There’s no excuse. I can’t—God, I’m so—”

“Shh, stop.” Kyo put his hand over Die’s and squeezed. “I told you already, I’m not mad. I just wanted you to know it happened. Especially since someone might mention it.” He glanced at the window, but the ornate gold curtains were drawn, hiding the pool deck, where the party was already underway, from view.

“It was—in front of people?” Die was even paler than usual, and Kyo really should have timed this revelation better.

“It was,” Kyo confirmed. “It was at the table. I made sure to get us out of there pretty much right after that.”

“Fuck,” Die said again. “Man, a few people this morning were giving me strange kinda looks, but I never imagined. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t,” Kyo said seriously. “Didn’t I tell you at the beginning, if there was something I was uncomfortable with I’d stop it before it happened?”

Die sighed. After a few more deep breaths he let Kyo take his hand and lead them out to the pool deck. They were checked against the guest list and allowed in.

“You know, it’s really a crime that you haven’t been able to get into film,” Die said, and Kyo’s eyebrows tilted in confusion. “You’re such a good actor.” Die smiled.

He didn’t mean it to have a bite to it. Kyo could tell Die thought he was just giving a genuine compliment, but it made Kyo’s stomach churn.

“I’m not acting,” he said, giving Die’s hand another squeeze.

Die’s smile turned sad, and he took his hand back. “Think I’m gonna find the bar.” With that, he took off, weaving through the crowd and leaving Kyo on his own.

And normally Kyo didn’t mind being on his own. In most cases he probably preferred it, but not here, not like this. This was losing his safety line in a pit of non-cuddly snakes. He felt abandoned, and even Toshiya wasn’t there anymore.

Thus he was only too relieved when there was a gentle touch on his arm and he found Yuko and her partner looking at him a bit quizzically.

Both women were dressed to the nines in a coordinated suit and gown respectively. Yuko was in the suit and it fit her exceptionally well, somehow highlighting some regal, masculine quality in her, while not diminishing her natural femininity in the slightest. Her partner’s dress meanwhile managed to be both elegant and quirky, without being over the top. Both outfits were in matching shades of red and gold, on the classy end of seasonally appropriate. Kyo thought they must be the best-dressed couple there.

“Where’s Die-san?” Yuko’s partner asked, and Kyo kicked himself inwardly for not knowing her name. He realized they’d never actually talked before, and her voice was rather deeper than he’d expected.

“You lost your lover again?” Yuko arched an eyebrow at him.

“He’s not lost,” Kyo said. “Just drinking.”

“And you’re not.” Yuko’s partner looked at Kyo’s hands, empty of any beverage.

“No,” Kyo said simply.

“Well, come hang out with us,” Yuko said, linking an arm with one of Kyo’s. “He can come find you when he’s gotten rid of that pesky sobriety.”

Kyo gratefully joined them in walking around the outside edge of the pool, and finally sitting on a pair of unoccupied deck chairs off to one side. Yuko and her partner sat together on one of the chairs, and let Kyo have the other to himself. They were pleasant company, and passed the time talking mostly about their work in the film and television industry. Kyo found it fascinating, especially when they had a few insider details to share about films of which he was particularly fond.

He learned that Yuko’s partner’s name was Sayaka, that she did flower arranging in her free time, and that she spoke English almost fluently.

“You should talk to Die,” Kyo said. “I know he’s always disappointed that he doesn’t have more opportunity to practice his English. His level is pretty high, but he feels like he’s losing it because he gets to use it so rarely.”

Sayaka nodded enthusiastically. “You should give him my LINE info, we can practice together!”

“I think he’d really like that,” Kyo said. His eyes drifted, for the hundredth time since they’d sat down, across the pool, to where Die was sitting at a little table with a highball, a strained smile appearing whenever someone approached. He hadn’t come over to where Kyo was, despite his being in plain sight, so Kyo could infer that, as he'd feared would happen, Die wanted to keep his distance from him.

The feeling wasn’t mutual.

“Really missing your better half, aren’t you?” Yuko said, and Kyo found a knowing look on her face.

Kyo shifted, leaning forward to brace his elbows on his knees. “He’s avoiding me.”

“How come?” Sayaka asked.

Kyo shrugged and sighed. He felt bad for derailing their conversation with his personal issues. He was sure they’d noticed how rudely distracted he’d already been the whole time they were talking, and now he’d hijacked it all entirely. “Because of last night, I guess.”

There was a pause, and then Yuko nodded slowly. “The _kiss_.” She shared a pointed look with Sayaka, and they both giggled.

Kyo frowned.

“Tell me,” Yuko said, leaning a bit closer. “You haven’t—Was that your first time kissing in front of other people?”

Kyo briefly considered making something up, some story about another time, when they’d been caught at some inopportune moment—but in the end, he just nodded.

“Yeah, that can be rough,” Yuko said. “Remember—?”

“ _Yes_ , I remember,” Sayaka said, rolling her eyes. “I was completely humiliated. I felt like everyone was staring at me for the next three _weeks_.”

“Even people who hadn’t been there,” Yuko added.

“Especially them! I was obsessed with it,” Sayaka said. “Convinced that we’d both be dropped from our management companies, that it would show up in the tabloids, or online, that our lives were _over_.”

“What happened?”

Sayaka shrugged. “Nothing.”

Kyo’s eyebrows rose. “Nothing?”

“No one who had been there had gotten a picture,” she said. “No one had anything to gain by outing us. We got lucky, I guess.”

“I guess so,” Kyo said.

“But I sure wasted a lot of energy freaking out about it,” Sayaka said with a chuckle.

“And now?” Kyo said. “Do you still freak out?”

She tipped her head to one side. “Mm, not so much.”

“She does,” Yuko stage-whispered.

“But not as much!” Sayaka said. “It’s never 100% easy, but I’m not as scared as I was. And sometimes… Sometimes a kiss is worth the risk.” Her cheeks colored slightly.

Yuko grinned. “So you can go ahead and pass that wisdom on to your boyfriend.”

Kyo grimaced. “Ah, I don’t think so. He’d be mortified to find out you two even _knew_ about the kiss, since you weren’t at the table when it happened or anything.”

“Oh, pfft.” Yuko waved a hand. “He knows how fast news travels at an event like this.”

“Besides, if it makes him feel any better, I heard it was pretty hot,” Sayaka said. She wrinkled her nose. “If you’re into that kinda thing.” She dissolved into giggles as Yuko wrapped her arms tight around her middle and burrowed her face in her neck.

“So go!” Yuko said, somewhat muffled against Sayaka’s dress. “Go kiss Die in front of all these people who won’t do a damn thing to stop you!”

Kyo was on his feet before he could think of why he shouldn’t be.

“And have a merry Christmas!” Sayaka called after him, laughing.

Kyo walked as fast as he dared around the perimeter of the pool. The ground wasn’t that wet; few people were actually _in_ the pool, given that there was still snow on the ground outside the covered patio. Even if it was well-heated, not many people were interested in stripping down to their bathing suits when it was close to freezing out.

Kyo didn’t know what he was going to say to Die when he reached him; he just knew he wanted to be with him. He wanted to put that one drunken kiss behind them, and a whole lot more kisses—sober kisses, _memorable_ kisses—ahead of them.

It ended up that he didn’t need to have a fully-formed plan for what he’d say to Die, since right as he got to him, so did Seiji, and his entire plan of action had to change.

Seiji was behind Die, hands on his shoulders, leaning in to whisper in his ear, when Kyo got close enough to feel comfortable saying, “Hey! Back off of him!”

Seiji looked up, amusement in his eyes. “Why, Kyo! What a surprise.”

“You knew I was here,” Kyo said.

“You were around, yes,” Seiji said. “Trying to wedge yourself in with a couple of ladies—I’m sorry to tell you, you’re barking up the wrong tree with those ones.”

Kyo’s skin prickled at the implication. “I was talking with some friends.”

“But you finally remembered you were supposed to be _dating_ this guy, eh?”

Kyo froze. Seiji had to be bluffing. Or just kidding around. “Not every couple has to be—”

“You don’t have to pretend anymore, Kyo,” Seiji said with a condescending smile. “Not for my sake.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Please,” Seiji said. “Like Die here was being really quiet about your little _arrangement_ last night?” He ruffled Die’s hair, and Die jerked away from him. “Of course I had suspected, but you two really put on a pretty good show, had me doubting myself. Took it further than I expected, too.” He leered at Kyo. “ That kiss? Not bad, for being staged.”

“It wasn’t staged,” Kyo said through gritted teeth.

Seiji snorted, adjusted the cuffs of his blazer—a tacky, purple, velvet thing that didn’t at all match his leather pants. “Haven’t I already told you to drop the act?”

“He’s telling the truth,” Die said, putting down his empty glass. “The kiss wasn’t staged, he didn’t have anything to do with it. It was… an accident.”

“Then I guess I should be complimenting your improv skills,” Seiji said.

“Or, you should be shutting the fuck up,” Kyo suggested with a shrug.

Seiji’s smile faltered, and then he laughed. “Do you still think this is some kind of face-off between the two of us?”

“I’ve never thought that.”

“Be reasonable,” Seiji said. “You’re _straight_. You’re not even an _option_ for Die.” He leaned on the back of Die’s chair, crowding over him again. “Now if you would just give me some room to work…”

“Get _away_ from him,” Kyo said, stepping closer.

Maybe he should have left it alone. Die was perfectly capable of standing up for himself, and Kyo knew that, but he looked small, sitting there with Seiji hovering over him. Die was intimidated by Seiji, disheartened by everything that had happened, and Kyo had come to the retreat determined to protect him, so he’d be damned if he walked away now. Even with everything in him screaming for him to just get _out_ of there, he couldn't—not without Die. He wasn’t leaving the party without him.

“You’re not an option, either,” Kyo said, just managing to keep his voice from shaking. “Die’s _not interested_.”

“He makes that decision for himself,” Seiji sneered.

“And you don’t think, if he was gonna choose you that he would’ve done it by now?” Kyo said. “What would he need _me_ here for, if he wanted you at all?”

“You’re not his boyfriend.”

“No,” Kyo said. “I’m not.” He looked at Die, who was still sitting, hugging himself, staring into the clear blue water of the swimming pool like he could just will himself to not be part of the confrontation. “But.” _But I’m his friend. But I came here to protect him, and I intend to. But I would be, if he asked. But…_ “But, I love him.”

Die turned slowly to look at Kyo, his eyes distrustful.

Kyo was sure to meet his gaze. “And he loves me.”

“How touching,” Seiji drawled. “The bond between bandmates is stronger than I can understand, hm?”

“You can call it that if you want,” Kyo said. “I really don’t give two shits.” He stood right in front of Die, reached out until Die took his hand. “Not how I meant it though.” He leaned down, used his free hand to tip Die’s chin up, and kissed him, sweetly, carefully, giving Die time to react how he would.

To Kyo’s relief and excitement, Die reacted by standing without breaking the kiss, and pulled Kyo fully into his arms, holding him close.

“Enough of this!” Seiji said, and all at once the kiss ended as he yanked Die backwards, out of Kyo’s reach. “You’re frauds, and I’ve worked hard, bringing—”

“Get off me!” Die said, trying to pull his arm free.

“ _Die_ ,” Seiji said looking at him with wild eyes. Kyo could see the cracks in his mask, the panic breaking through like bursts of light. “He doesn’t really _want_ you. He’s lied to everyone here, _including you_! I just want to make you happy!”

“Then let go of me,” Die growled.

Seiji swallowed, and let Die’s arm go.

Die shook out his sleeve, and turned to Kyo. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Wait—” Seiji reached for Die again, but before he could get to him, Kyo had him by the lapels of his ugly purple blazer.

“He said to let go,” Kyo said. “So it’s over, Seiji. And you’re gonna fuck right off. Now.” And with that, he gave him an unceremonious shove, and Seiji went tumbling, flailing wildly, into the swimming pool.

The patio was silent for a solid five seconds before there were cheers erupting from all sides, reminding Kyo exactly where they were and who was watching. He didn’t pay them any mind. He walked out of the party, back into the hotel lobby, with Die’s hand in his, and he didn’t look back.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAH, okay here it is, the conclusion oh my god

Neither of them spoke as they crossed to the elevators, rode up to their floor, walked down the hall. Only once they were inside their room did they look fully at each other, at which point they both burst into hysterical laughter, and ended up sitting on the floor, wheezing.

“You pushed him in the _pool_!” Die said finally.

“He was asking for it,” Kyo said.

“He’s gonna be so pissed,” Die said. His head fell back against the foot of the bed. “In the end, this whole thing was a waste of time, he’s gonna fucking ruin us after all.”

Kyo scoffed. “I’d like to see him try, with all those witnesses who saw him harassing you. And to be honest, even if he _does_ try—Ask me if I give a fuck.” He smiled, let out another tired laugh, and reached out to put a hand on Die’s shin where his leg was stretched out beside him. “It wasn’t a waste of time.”

Die was looking at him strangely. “Look, Kyo…” His gaze dropped, and he started fidgeting as he sometimes did with the bracelets on one wrist. “I don’t… I don’t know how much you meant what you said back there. But, thank you.”

“Ha?” Kyo shook Die’s leg. “What, are you dense? I meant all of it.”

“I thought you might just… be getting us out of there. But, you… You meant…?”

“Yes, you ridiculous brightly-wrapped Christmas present of a man, I meant I’ve fallen in love with you, and I want our pretend relationship to be a real one.” Kyo walked over on his knees until he was straddling Die’s lap, and leaned in to kiss him.

“I’m sorry, what did you call me?” Die said against his lips.

“Shh, shh.” Kyo kissed him, then kissed him again, feeling like he could easily become addicted to it.

It was Die who eventually pulled away, though it was just to let his kisses travel along Kyo’s jawline to just below his ear, where he murmured, “I love you, Kyo.”

Kyo couldn’t stop the smile that took over his face, but he didn’t want to, anyway. He wrapped his arms around Die’s shoulders, pressed himself closer to him.

Die’s arms wound around Kyo’s waist in return. He kept kissing and licking Kyo’s neck, clearly paying attention to which precise areas and movements made Kyo’s breath catch.

Without even thinking about it, Kyo rolled his hips, pushing himself down against Die’s lap, and he gasped as he realized he was starting to get hard. He was sitting on top of Die, and getting hard. He let his head fall forward onto Die’s shoulder, his lip caught between his teeth.

“What’s wrong?” Die whispered, his hands rubbing soothingly at Kyo’s back.

“ _Nothing_ ,” Kyo said, and meant it. For the first time in what felt like years, everything actually seemed to be _right_. However, he was quickly becoming more aroused than he could ignore. It scared him a little. He didn’t want to rush things with Die, didn’t want screw things up before they even began. He took a deep breath. “But, um. What… what would you say, if I… wanted you?”

Die’s hands stilled. “I would say… Fuck, Kyo, I want you, too.”

Kyo bit down harder on his own lip, and with a great amount of willpower, pushed himself up to his feet. He sat on the bed and waited for Die to join him. If Die wanted him too then maybe it wasn’t rushing things, but that didn’t mean he knew where to go from there. “So, how does this work?”

Die raised his eyebrows. “However you want it to. We can take things slow, or—well, we can’t do—I mean, I don’t have any lube.”

Kyo could feel the flush rising to his cheeks, but he ignored it. “Why not?”

Die sputtered. “I really didn’t think I was gonna be having a lot of sex on this retreat.”

“Should’ve planned better,” Kyo said, shaking his head.

“Guess we’ll have something to look forward to when we get home.”

When they got home. When they woke up from this nightmare of a retreat and the relationship was still real, when they could be together at their own pace and their own discretion. All at once Kyo was looking forward to their future together so much that for a second he forgot the present.

He was brought back to it by Die’s hand, gentle on his cheek. “We don’t have to do anything, you know.”

“No, it’s not that,” Kyo said. “I told you, I want you. I just don’t know… What do you want to do?”

Die considered him for a long moment. “You want me to take the lead?”

Kyo nodded. It was unfamiliar territory, but he trusted Die, and he wanted him to know that from the beginning.

Leaning forward, Die pressed his lips to Kyo’s again, warm, but with a quiet urgency that made Kyo lightheaded, and soon he was letting himself fall back against the bed with Die looming over him.

Kyo’s head lolled to one side so that Die could easily get back to kissing his neck, could trace Kyo’s tattoo with his tongue until Kyo was panting. He’d fitted himself comfortably between Kyo’s legs, and his hands stroked subtly up Kyo’s sides, only touching enough to make Kyo want more. Every tiny movement Kyo made, Die seemed to read it, interpret it, and follow his deepest, unspoken wishes. It wasn’t like any intimate experience Kyo had ever had before—not that all sex he’d had previously had been _bad_ , but he’d never been with someone who _knew_ him the way that Die did. He and Die had known each other for decades, been through things together that precious few would understand, and while he’d never really noticed Die paying him much attention, he was discovering that Die truly did know him, and that intensified every minute, exquisite brush of his fingers, his lips over Kyo’s skin.

It didn’t feel too soon when Die gestured for Kyo to sit up so he could start undressing him, but Kyo wasn’t sure he was fully prepared for how Die looked at him once he had his shirt off. Surely it wasn’t a novel sight for Die, but the reverent way he trailed his fingers down Kyo’s chest made it seem like he was seeing Kyo for the first time.

Kyo shivered at the lightness of the touch.

Die looked up at his face. “If I do anything you don’t like…”

“I’ll stop you,” Kyo said firmly. “I promise.”

He didn’t foresee that happening, honestly, especially when the next thing Die did was lean down to take one of Kyo’s nipples into his mouth. He teased it, slow circles and then quick flicks of his tongue, before sucking and biting gently. A little punched-out moan escaped Kyo, but Die barely seemed to notice, releasing the hardened bud to continue his way down Kyo’s torso. 

Die followed what seemed to be a well-devised path, his mouth gliding purposefully over Kyo’s taut abdominal muscles, stopping to linger at several points along the way. There was no hurry; he was taking his time, enjoying himself, learning Kyo’s body as he’d learned so much else about him.

It wasn’t like torture. Maybe it should have been, given that Kyo was aching in his jeans and Die was nowhere near his erection yet, but Kyo was grateful for the work-up, and he really liked that Die was clearly enjoying it, too, enjoying _him_. He knew if he’d taken the lead himself, things would have moved faster, and sure, that would still have been good, but he was more than happy to let Die explore as much as he wanted.

Then Die’s tongue swiped past Kyo’s navel, lower and lower, and Kyo was suddenly all too aware of how close he was to his distressingly neglected cock. Die looked up and met Kyo’s gaze. “It’s all right for me to continue?”

“Fuck, please,” Kyo said, canting his hips upward pointedly.

Die smiled, soft and sincere and just slightly smug. He unbuttoned Kyo’s jeans and tugged them down with his underwear, not pausing until they were all the way off Kyo’s legs.

Kyo breathed out through his nose as Die bent over him again—though he only traced the line of Kyo’s hipbone with his tongue, and Kyo let out a dismayed little whimper. Die certainly had a lot more patience than he did.

Nudging Kyo’s legs wider, Die lowered himself down to lie on his stomach on the bed, and started kissing down one of Kyo’s thighs in his same unhurried way.

Kyo’s breathing picked up. He wasn’t used to lovers spending time on his thighs. They were sensitive, and he didn’t invite a lot of attention there.

Still, Die carried on, hands and mouth exploring and admiring, until his thumb brushed over a little patch of scars on the inside of one thigh, and a crease appeared between his brows. He didn’t stop, and a moment later, his lips were there against those scars.

Kyo squirmed, trying to pull away from Die’s ministrations. “Die…”

“Does it hurt?”

Kyo bit his lip. It didn’t hurt; the scars were old, from a time when he’d been a little less adept at coping, and his skin had seemed like the best canvas for releasing his frustrations. It was more that they were embarrassing, ugly, something he didn’t want Die’s focus lingering on. He shook his head. “Doesn’t _hurt_.”

“Good.” Die returned to the area, kissing over the scars with even more surety than he had over the unmarked parts of Kyo’s body.

Something was clenching painfully in Kyo’s chest. There was no comment, no judgment, no discomfort. There had been only the momentary concern for _Kyo’s_ comfort, and with that settled, Die was wholly committed to his task of appreciating Kyo’s body. He couldn’t take any more. Much as he respected Die’s patience and care in how he was going about things, he was reaching his own limits. 

There was no way Die could be so thorough all the time. Kyo thought again of the story Die had told him of the guy in the gay bar; a quick, drunk fuck in a club bathroom couldn’t have afforded him the time for such slow and thoughtful foreplay. He wondered what Die looked like when he lost that control, stopped being so generous and careful, and just _took_. 

The thought made Kyo’s cock throb, and he whined, loudly and abruptly enough that Die lifted his head to look at him. 

“Die, _please_ , stop teasing me,” he said, doing his best to glare.

“I’m not teasing,” Die had the nerve to say. “I’m just—”

Kyo shut him up by getting a hand in his hair, though he didn’t pull hard. “Get up here, and get your pants off so I can see your fucking dick,” he said lowly. “I want to cum with you pressed as close to me as possible.”

Die didn’t try to argue with that. Within seconds, he was throwing his clothes off and then getting back on top of Kyo, naked, and somehow more beautiful than Kyo had expected.

It wasn’t the first time Kyo had seen him naked, but he’d never really _looked_ before, either, and seeing him like this, knowing he was _allowed_ to see him, to touch him, was oddly thrilling. His hands roamed Die’s body freely, shamelessly, and his lips parted as Die claimed his mouth.

Die’s cock rubbed against Kyo’s, the tip already slick with precum, and Kyo moaned at the feeling, and at the knowledge that Die had gotten so worked up just from him. Die made a noise at the same time, something needy, from the back of his throat, and Kyo pushed his tongue into Die’s mouth as if he could find the source of such a beautiful sound.

Kyo’s hands found purchase on Die’s bony hips as they moved against each other, kisses blending together, increasingly sloppy and frantic. And why the hell had he let Die spend all that time worshipping his body and not done any damn explorations of his own? He loved how Die felt against him, but he was already regretting not having his hands on him more, and they weren’t even finished yet.

Perhaps Die was thinking along the same lines, because he shifted his weight and brought one hand between them, fingers dragging up along the length of Kyo’s cock.

Kyo swore, the profanity muffled against Die’s mouth. Die hadn’t actually touched him there yet, and it was embarrassing how much he needed it.

Die pulled away from their kiss (which was fair considering how it had devolved into little more than biting at each other’s lips), and panted hotly against Kyo’s neck as his fingers wrapped around Kyo’s shaft and stroked. “Kyo, fuck…”

“Feels good,” Kyo whispered, though he doubted Die really needed the encouragement.

“I’ve been wanting to touch you for—you feel amazing.” 

Kyo wondered at that. Just how long had Die wanted this? How had he known, so much sooner than Kyo, how perfect it could be, and not _told_ him? This was never how he would have imagined spending his Christmas, but he wouldn’t have given it up now. Was this a Christmas that Die had fantasized about?

“I wanted,” Die said against his neck, and a strange rueful little chuckle came up behind it, “Wanted to suck you off. But you didn’t let me.”

Kyo’s cock twitched in Die’s hand. Fuck. The images flooded his mind; Die’s warm, smiling mouth opening for his dick; perfect pink tongue swirling around the head. With a growl, he tightened his grip on Die’s hips and flipped them over, so he was on top. “Next time,” he promised, since there was no chance of him interrupting what they were doing now, even if a blow job from Die did seem like the Actual Best Idea he’d ever heard.

“God, yes, next time,” Die said. It sounded like a plea, and his hand on Kyo’s cock picked up its pace.

“Next time,” Kyo said again, thrusting into Die’s hand. “So. Many fucking times.”

“ _Yes_.”

Kyo kissed Die, filthy and possessive, and supported himself with one hand on the bed so his other could join Die’s between them, and wrap around both of their erections at once. “And at some point, we’ll have lube, too,” he teased, as the kiss broke.

Die moaned. “Fuck, and you’ll fuck me so good.”

It wasn’t at all the response he’d expected, and if Kyo hadn’t been so completely turned on by it, he might have been distracted enough to pause. Instead he thought about driving into Die’s tight body, about Die _wanting_ him to, and it nearly pushed him over the edge.

“Oh,” Die said, the fingers of his free hand digging into Kyo’s bicep hard enough to be painful, but not such that Kyo would complain. His eyes were hazy and unfocused, his mouth open. “Oh, god, Kyo, I—”

“Come on, Die,” Kyo said. He meant it to be reassuring, but the hunger in his own voice surprised him, and a second later, Die was spilling over their entwined hands, his cum serving to make the slide easier as they continued to jerk Kyo’s cock between them.

Die was still shaking with the aftershocks of his orgasm when Kyo came with a drawn-out groan dragged from deep in his chest.

Kyo had the wherewithal to give Die one last chaste kiss before rolling over to lie beside him, still breathing shallowly. Their combined cum was still all over both of them, and there was nothing within reach to take care of that problem, but Kyo needed at least a minute to collect himself before he got up in search of something.

That minute stretched on longer than he meant it to, as his mind drifted somewhere on the edge of sleep. Die was beside him, and he was naked and sated, and it was real. None of it was for show anymore, there were no lies between them, no act for someone else’s benefit. Instead of him protecting Die, from here on out, they would have to take care of each other. He’d entered into this entire thing without thinking it through nearly as much as he should have, and he couldn’t care. 

Sure, it was kind of scary. It wasn’t an experience he’d had before, and navigating the whole world of being out/not being out was daunting, but he knew without asking that he’d have Die supporting him through it. And the support of the rest of the band. 

That was the thought that pulled him back to full consciousness, and he looked over at Die. His eyes were closed.

“I think we had better tell Kaoru sooner rather than later,” he said.

Die opened one eye sleepily. “Mm? That… is what you have to say? After that?”

Kyo scrunched up his nose. “My mind was wandering.” He pushed himself up from the bed, feeling incredibly heavy. “I just want to put all the lies behind us.” He went to his bag and took out a package of wet wipes. “I know we can’t totally do that, and that we’re still gonna have to hide things, but I—The people who matter, who we work alongside, I’m not—I don’t think I’m comfortable keeping it from them. Unless.” He paused as he returned to the bed. “Unless you really want to.” He offered a few wipes to Die.

“I don’t want to hide it,” Die said, as he cleaned himself up. “Don’t want to hide you. We’ll play it by ear, but I’m… I want the band to know, at least.” He looked at Kyo with his head tilted. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Kyo said, smiling against the unfamiliar feel of it on his tongue. Not wrong, just strange. He threw away the used wipes and crawled back into the bed to get comfortable.

“That’s what you were supposed to say before talking about Kaoru,” Die informed him.

“I’ll work on that,” Kyo said. “Oh, shit, and I should text Shinya too, he probably thinks we’re dead.”

“In the morning,” Die said, pulling Kyo close and nestling into his arms. 

Kyo nodded, though Die had closed his eyes already and couldn’t see. Once more, Die looked content and peaceful, and this time Kyo knew it was his embrace bringing that feeling. “So, we’re together, now.”

“Christmas anniversary is romantic,” Die mumbled.

“I mean I thought the Halloween one was pretty good.”

“This one’s real, though.”

_Real_. The word warmed through Kyo like hot coffee on a snowy morning. They didn’t have to follow a script of made-up memories anymore. Their experiences were theirs to make, a whole future of possibilities open to them, even after they left the retreat and returned to real life. The holidays ahead were theirs to live together. Kyo flicked off the light by the bed and held Die tighter against him. 

“So then,” he asked, looking ahead of them, at expanses of life to be not just survived, but shared, “what are you doing New Year’s?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow wow wow, guys, it has been a real pleasure. This one got so far out of hand, and I hope no one is disappointed, but I'm so glad to have taken this journey with all of you. Thank you so much for all your comments and support every step of the way. All my love! I hope everyone has phenomenal holidays, and I look forward to posting the next nonsense soon.


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